How do you leave someone you still love but isn’t ‘right’?

[Incredibad]

My DP and I are pretty much at the end i think after three years. he tells little lies to avoid anything difficult for him, like any conflict. He can be really inattentive and negatively self obsessed so he will grab onto any ego boost going. I just feel I can’t really trust him and it’s eaten away at me until I’m sad even if he’s doing a happy thing for himself like going away. I don’t want to be the suspicious bitter gf but damn he really has made me this way. And then blames me for ‘obsessing’ over the past (the lies) and being unreasonable. I am gutted because I still love him, the good times together are really good, but I think I have to leave for my own mental health. It will devastate me and I don’t know how to do it without falling to bits. What if it is really me and I’d be throwing it away for nothing? I wish I could stop this unhappy rollercoaster of thoughts and know what to do.

Perhaps think about some counselling for yourself to explore the issues you’ve mentioned? If you come to the conclusion that separating is the answer your counselling can support you through the process.

I don’t know what counselling will tell me - how will a therapist help with an avoidant partner apart from saying maybe he isn’t right for you as you require honesty and the ability to plan and be present with someone who actually sees a future with you?

Wow, what a horrible man.
He lies but you are unreasonable.
Is this the sort of relationship you’d like to see your daughter in ?

Do it asap, then no contact at all, for a long time, and do all the ‘post break up’ recommended things.

You need to reframe the way you speak. So you change your thoughts - You won’t be devastated and in bits, you will be sad but knowing it’s the right decision based on evidence and looking forward to opening yourself to the chance to find a man who will treat you well.

If you reframe like that then the decision becomes easier because your fear (of being devastated and in bits) won’t be stopping you and throwing up the doubt.

What does he lie about?

What does he do that upsets you? How often?

In what ways is he ‘inattentive’?

What do you mean ‘grab onto ego boosts’?

It’s understandable, for example, to feel upset if he’s doing things for himself (eg going on holiday) but not doing nice things for or considering you.

He lies about stuff like where he is, who he’s talking to, because he doesn’t want a awkward conversation (I’ve told him seeing his friends is a good thing though so I don’t know why he thinks I’d be angry? This may well be a hangover from his last relationship with a controlling gf) he’s inattentive in that if I’m not his hyper focus at that time he ‘out of sight, out of mind’ that’s his adhd though and I can’t blame him for having that.

I’m starting to wonder if she really was controlling or just as fed up of his omissions. A mutual friend has implied that.

Even if his ex was terrible, which may well not be the case, that doesn’t in any way excuse him lying to you.

Don’t understand what you’re saying about his attentiveness. Are you saying he doesn’t contact you etc when not actually with you?

He can be really inattentive and negatively self obsessed so he will grab onto any ego boost going. I just feel I can’t really trust him and it’s eaten away

You ask yourself how/why you think you love this.

What you 'love' is what you thought he was; he isn't it.

Yeah he forgets to contact me or how much time has gone without speaking because of his ADD, but then expects the usual affection when we do see each other even if I’m feeling neglected by the lack of talking. He doesn’t get that relationships deteriorate without communication effort and you can’t just pick contact up and down where you want and expect the other person to still be there/feel the same.

What if it is really me and I’d be throwing it away for nothing

This is the flaw in your thinking, and what's making this feel like such a dilemma. The feeling that if it's 'really you', it can be regarded as 'nothing'.

Is IS you. The problem that you're having in your relationship is 100% down to you, because you are the one who is having the problem. But why do you think that that means you could potentially try to put that problem aside, or ignore it? Why do you want to minimise something, as if it's just 'silly old me and my silly insignificant feelings'?

You are not happy. Your boundaries are being crossed. Something in you is telling you you've had enough. See? It's all about you, and it's your responsibility to make you happy, by putting yourself into situation and with people who make you feel fulfilled, safe, loved etc.

Reconcile yourself to the fact that it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, here. You have to take responsibility for yourself, and remove yourself from situations that make you unhappy. No blame, no shame. There are no rules regarding emotions anyway. He can do whatever he wants, and you can feel however you want in response.

So yes, this is 'really you': the real you, the core you, the you that you need to look after in order to be happy. If you can stop doubting that core you, this will be so much easier for you.

You know you can't stay and be happy, so validate those feelings, that thought. Validate that it's ok for you to do what you need to make your life the way you want it. He doesn't meet enough of your needs. That's all you need to know.

@Salayes

You need to reframe the way you speak. So you change your thoughts - You won’t be devastated and in bits, you will be sad but knowing it’s the right decision based on evidence and looking forward to opening yourself to the chance to find a man who will treat you well.

If you reframe like that then the decision becomes easier because your fear (of being devastated and in bits) won’t be stopping you and throwing up the doubt.

Excellent advice - much more proactive and forthright and not letting the imaginary future suck you into feeling hopeless and paralysed.

I did exactly this four months ago - ended a relationship with someone I still loved massively, but whom it was never going to work with.

As a pp said, you just have to wake up every day deciding not to get sucked into the negativity. You have ended the relationship because it wasn’t right for you and because you deserve to be happy. You have made room for someone who IS going to be right for you.

It also helps me to acknowledge that it doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault - sometimes people are just incompatible & no amount of rehashing issues will fix them.

You will feel devastated at first (I did) but once the fog clears you will feel so much lighter!

Stop excusing his behaviour and ascribing it to him not being ‘neurotypical’.

If he wanted to treat you better, he would have.

@TheFoundations
..Reconcile yourself to the fact that it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, here. You have to take responsibility for yourself, and remove yourself from situations that make you unhappy. No blame, no shame. There are no rules regarding emotions anyway. He can do whatever he wants, and you can feel however you want in response...
..You know you can't stay and be happy, so validate those feelings, that thought. Validate that it's ok for you to do what you need to make your life the way you want it. He doesn't meet enough of your needs. That's all you need to know...

Really well said.