Shared Custody

[1MillionDollars]

Heading towards the shared custody situation.

Any tips. What has worked and hasn't worked for you. Want a structure for the kids/routine. I fear my ex, the mum would be delighted to find that they might not want to come to me because they have lived where they are for 12 years and see that as home.

I want to make my home home too. I've seen her estrange her ex from his 2 kids, granted those kids struggled to get on with the dad, and he could be difficult but she would bad mouth him subtly when she could.

I've worked from home for 12 years and been pretty much a good dad and there for them every day/every hour so feel I won't face that situation but I do not trust her at all to want them to adore and want to be with her.

Any help would be great in what you've found works for you.

Thanks.

The paranoia is a bad start.

I agree with pp. How old are the kids?

Get the child benefit in your name otherwise she holds all the cards and can pretty much dictate the custody.
Routine certainly works gor my two.

Okay. You could call it paranoia or you could call it seeing what she's already done to her other ex over the years to know what she's really like.

My son was having emotional moments at school for weeks and had to have weekly meetings with the school counsellor, she didn't feel the need to let me know that because she wants to keep it all to herself.

I've been the main carer for them for over 3 years whilst she studied and worked away, staying in hotels but she wants to play the victim now.

I found out from my son who got upset because he thought he upset me, because I didn't know. I would have communicated this to her if the shoe was on the other foot, just to keep her in the loop.

@LionelMessy Thanks. I'm doing that. I supported her for 3 years now she is earning so she can't claim it. I actually need it.

If you are in the U.K. - there is no concept of ‘shared custody’. Are you talking about splitting the kids time 50/50 between two houses?
Since your kids are about 12 - they actually have quite a bit of say how they would like the child arrangements to work. And I do think a true 50/50 where kids switch houses weekly, or every few days doesn’t work great for the kids. The constant shuttling between houses doesn’t give them stability and grounding.

I get it that you want to feel like you are a part of your kids lives, as you have been up until now. And I think you can be, but you need to think how to make work and not make it hard on them.
For starters - I know you said you want them to have a home with you. And they will eventually think of your place as their second home. But it will take time. And if I were you - I’d not focus on it too much now. Beyond making the place nice for them to be at - you need to give them time to get used to it.

I am on the other side of this. I am the mom.
And my Ex’s relationship with the kids has definitely suffered - as in they aren’t as close.
He isn’t as much involved in their daily lives, doesn’t know what they are feeling, what they are struggling with. Etc.
With teenagers - you need to put in the time to try to get through to them. He doesn’t.
And as he made our relationship quite unpleasant - he doesn’t talk to me about them either.

So - if you are a good father to your kids - she will not be able to alienate your 12yos. As long as you continue out in the time and effort in their parenting. Show up to be with them, make time for them and individual time for each kid. Take them places, do things together that they like, talk to them.
It’ll require effort but it’s the only way.
And if (once) you are in a new relationship - make sure they still have time just with you. If they know they are your priority - you won’t lose them.

@Jsku

I've done this for their entire life. I've taught them to read, played most of the games with them, made things fun, taught them to ride bikes and swim. I'm not just saying that. This is why I am so keen to continue having a relationship with them and wanting to make sure they see my place as home too.

It's my mum who is more of a nan, hers is uninterested. On MN people refer to men as Disney dads, it's the reverse here all of a sudden.

I'll keep what you say in mind. Thanks.

Just saw your post. As it appeared while I was typing.

You seem to be well on the way to blaming your Ex. While what you need is to step up and take some responsibility.
For starters - if your son was having issues at school - not sure how you managed to miss it during your time with him. You need to start observing, listening and talking with your son better.
You also need to let the school know that given the circumstances all the communication need to be copied to both parents.

She isn’t trying to alienate your son.
Seeing her as your opponent won’t help you.
You need to stop resenting her and see if you can be a team.

@Jsku

Good advice. I've had to move away for a couple of months so it's been difficult, but I'll be going back soon. Financial reasons only. I've been back to see them several times and FaceTime multiple times a week.

Not blaming her, but blaming her for not telling me. I would have told her, having to see a well being member of staff on a weekly basis is a big deal and I should be informed. I was straight on the phone to the school to let them know I need to be informed. Not said a word to her.

I do resent her but I am being more civil to her than she is to me. The resentment will pass I know that.

Look - these things are difficult to navigate. And once relationship of the adults breaks down, nothing is given. Your (or her) resentment can pass or not. Or new reasons can be added.

For now have moved away. She is on her own with kids. And that isn’t easy. I am sure she has felt like a single mother and it can be quite daunting. Especially now as the kids are dealing with the split. She is emotionally supporting them on her own, full time.
You knowing about counselling at school is irrelevant, at the moment really. You aren’t there to help.
At least this is how she is thinking about it atm.
Once you are actually back and able to be hands on parent - then things would be different.

Hopefully. Yes she's on her own for a couple of months, I was in my own for 3 years and when she was there she wasn't present. I realise it's hard for her, sadly I don't give a damn. I raised her 2 step kids too, cooked for them, cleaned, ferried them around, dealt with the ex and emotionally supported her. Son stealing, other with autism, suicidal. I took on all that.

Daunting or not, she knows how close I was to the kids and how I am concerned for them but had no choice but to move away.

As you say. Hopefully when I'm back we can navigate this better and I probably should have informed the school. Now I don't trust her at all and like I say, I've seen the same situation occur with her ex husband but only thought more about it now I'm in the same situation.

I'll take what you've said onboard. I just want to make things nice and normal for them and be a big part in their lives.