I’m so lonely, how on earth do I meet someone?

[PumpkinSpiceGirl]

It’s nearly 5 years since I broke up with my husband, in that time I’ve had some dates and one disastrous short relationship but recently it just seems impossible to meet anyone.

I don’t know if it’s covid or what but I rarely even get any matches/chats online and despite having a good job, great friends and keeping busy I don’t meet anyone the traditional way either.

I’m 48 with a 19 year old daughter so I’m not tied. I’m easy going, no supermodel but I look after myself and don’t think I look my age (not that it should matter).

I had a lot of baggage after my divorce but I’m in a better place now and would just really love to meet someone. My life is good but it’s lonely on your own and I’m so tired of it. It feels like I try really hard, do all the right things but just don’t get anywhere.

Can anyone offer any advice - willing to give pretty much anything a go 🙁

Lindy Hop.

Seriously, it doesn't matter whether you think you can dance or don't like the music, it's a great way of meeting people. There are classes Al over the country amd national/International swing dance festivals local social dances - it's a thriving scene.

A community choir - mostly women but I met men through it.

Go to gigs at local live music pubs. There's generally quite a local scene and lots of men!

These have all worked for me to some degree or other in terms of meeting people generally and men specifically.

You need hobbies basically. OLD is dreadful!

I met some people through the website 'Meet Up' pre covid (and hope to do so again now things are returning a bit more to normal). It's not a dating site, it's more a friendship site. There are lots of different groups on there for different interests from our lunches and walking to book clubs etc

Not sure what to advise

OLD is dreadful, and I agree with the @GreyCarpet

I think meeting someone (anyone!) is timing and luck, however by sitting at home it definitely won't happen.

I think a lot of people compromise for the fear of being alone and it's financially more expensive being single. It's irrelevant what you look like, look around most people aren't supermodels/have amazing jobs and lives yet are in relationships.

Are you looking to cohabit with someone, or have together but living apart arrangement? Would you be happy to explore more casual arrangements in the meantime? It's good that you don't 'need' anyone for anything at this stage (marriage/children) buy I understand that trying to find a connection with someone is difficult (at any age).

Depending on where you live, I'd also advise to try and get out and about as much as possible. It just increases chances of meeting more someone/more people. Are most of your friends coupled up?

I do know that a lot of people settle would never admit it in real-life and that's why it seems like 'everyone has found their soulmate '.

I agree about taking up hobbies. It’s good to meet people. I have had good experiences with online dating but get it’s not the same for everyone and I’m not sure if it’s different depending on your age.

Sports, walking groups, evening classes, solo traveler holidays, dance classes, volunteering, choirs... if you want to avoid online dating then as many hours you spend outside of your house will increase your chance of meeting someone.

I moved during covid and am happy to have my own place although it’s stressful doing that on one salary. I can’t imagine living with anyone again but who knows what the future will bring. I definitely don’t intend to settle but life is very lonely on your own.

I’ve joined a gym and a book club and volunteered at a local event so far but I can’t see myself meeting anyone that way - people chat and are pleasant but that’s as far as it goes. I’d love to go and see bands as it’s something I really enjoy but I can hardly rock up on my own and all of my friends are coupled up so we tend to go for lunch or weekends away, again no real chance to meet anyone. I’m also busy with work and enjoy my own company to a point, I don’t want to be out every night searching for someone.

Online seems like the best bet but I don’t understand why it no longer works for me.

I've been getting really bored of online dating. Genuinely, if you go out on your own you will meet more people and have interesting experiences. You do need to be confident in your own company to do it - just take a book if you're at all unsure. I've done this twice in the last couple of weeks, bagged myself a date one time and bumped into a friend the other.

@PumpkinSpiceGirl

Online dating isn’t dreadful if you are strict with how you use it. The only people have the worst experiences are those who completely ignore red flag bunting, then act surprised when the bloke is a waste of time.

Sexy chat and winky faces- block
‘Just want to see where things go’- block
Makes no effort to actually arrange a date and wants a pen pal- block
Wants to take you on a walk date like you are a dog or go to each other’s houses- block
Comments on your appearance in a way that makes you feel odd- block

Make a list of what you want in a man. You can have non-negotiables, keeping it loose- or write a list of things your ‘dream man’ would have.. right down to hair colour and the type of hobbies you enjoy.

Jump onto an app (tinder and bumble are better- hinge allows men without a personality to fake one) and ONLY SWIPE for those who fulfil your list. Anything dodgy, block. If they don’t ask you for a date, they are wasting your time.

As PP have said- hobby groups and live music are a great way to meet people in real life, so do this too, but don’t shun online dating.

[quote Suprima]@PumpkinSpiceGirl

Online dating isn’t dreadful if you are strict with how you use it. The only people have the worst experiences are those who completely ignore red flag bunting, then act surprised when the bloke is a waste of time.

Sexy chat and winky faces- block
‘Just want to see where things go’- block
Makes no effort to actually arrange a date and wants a pen pal- block
Wants to take you on a walk date like you are a dog or go to each other’s houses- block
Comments on your appearance in a way that makes you feel odd- block

Make a list of what you want in a man. You can have non-negotiables, keeping it loose- or write a list of things your ‘dream man’ would have.. right down to hair colour and the type of hobbies you enjoy.

Jump onto an app (tinder and bumble are better- hinge allows men without a personality to fake one) and ONLY SWIPE for those who fulfil your list. Anything dodgy, block. If they don’t ask you for a date, they are wasting your time.

As PP have said- hobby groups and live music are a great way to meet people in real life, so do this too, but don’t shun online dating.[/quote]
It's not true that the only way to have a dreadful experience of online dating because you ignore the red flags: sometimes it's just the rinse and repeat cycles of swiping/chatting/saying the same stories about yourself over and over, not feeling it, them not feeling it about you. The boredom, the lack of enthusiasm whether you or them. It's the monotony of being disappointed. I guess it's a bit more existential than just going through the check list of 'No's.

sometimes it's just the rinse and repeat cycles of swiping/chatting/saying the same stories about yourself over and over, not feeling it, them not feeling it about you

I totally agree with this. It all becomes a bit empty and meaningless I feel, even though I'm sure some of the guys are perfectly nice.

I would go to gigs alone - it's daunting but doable if you take a book/phone. I did it last week but bumped into some friends in the end. Maybe a bit more exposing in a pub, say, but have a look at meetup.com
Other than that, find other single women to commiserate with - it makes you feel a bit like it's not you at least!

I echo other PPs saying go to gigs alone. We are regular gig-goers and there are often single people there. Pubs are great locations - big enough to meet people and small enough to leave if you're not enjoying it.

I’d love to go and see bands as it’s something I really enjoy but I can hardly rock up on my own

You absolutely can!

In fact I put a post on MN under a different name about 5 years ago one Saturday night because I really wanted to go to a gig at a local pub but wasn't sure I should do so on my own.

Everyone who replied said to go for it. So I did and didn't look back.

Do not bother going to gigs on your own, nobody ever meets someone at a gig - too loud to talk and there for music not chat. This could be the problem, you mention hobbies and wishes where it's unlikely - gym not impossible, but most go just to put the effort in and train.
Try walking groups, meetups are full of them.

@Opentooffers

Do not bother going to gigs on your own, nobody ever meets someone at a gig - too loud to talk and there for music not chat. This could be the problem, you mention hobbies and wishes where it's unlikely - gym not impossible, but most go just to put the effort in and train. Try walking groups, meetups are full of them.

I've met friends and men at gigs. There's before the band plays, at the bar while the band plays, during the break, when the band has finished, dancing...

Loads of opportunities to get talking to someone!

Besides, if you become a regular at the pub to see bands, you get to recognise people and get talking to them then.

I spent years thinking that pubs were where 'young people' made friends but they were great for it once I hit my 40s.

I’m really torn on that one, I don’t think I’d have the nerve to go to a gig alone. I’ve braved various other things by myself but I think I’d feel too self conscious to do that 😳

It’s so bloody hard, I really struggled last winter (appreciate it was far from a normal one) and I’m scared of another one on my own 🙁