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Original poster

He never gets in touch...I don't get it

15 replies

Plentyofchips · 25/10/2021 16:01

Posted this elsewhere but only had one response so trying here...

So I'm in my late 30s I have a husband and 2 children. My parents divorced when I was a young teen and previously they had argued a lot my whole life. Both parents worked long hours but my dad was more noticeably not present.

Basically the situation is that if I don't contact him, he just would never contact me. I saw him for the first time in 3 years about a month ago. It's always pleasent enough but honestly if I didn't get in touch I don't think I'd ever hear from him. My auntie
(his sis) who I spent a lot of time with as a child is the same and my grandfather on that side has always been like that too. Part of me wants to have this lovely close family but I just feel like it's always me putting in the effort and if I didn't get in touch it's like I don't exist to them. It's hard not to think it's me but I know they are the same with my sister and brother. I don't have a great relationship with my mum so I sometimes just get really depressed at the thought of being this totally unlovable child (to my parents).
Is this normal or do I just have a fairly cold unloving family?

OP posts:
Billlius · 25/10/2021 16:03

It’s them, not you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 16:06

@Billlius

It’s them, not you.
Agreed. Some families are like this. I don't understand it all all. Thanks
Flipflopfoodle · 25/10/2021 19:10

This is me I'm afraid. I could probably lose touch with all my family if they didn't bother to contact me. Been years since I saw some siblings. My sis is the same, so we occasionally send a text every couple of months or so, I feel we are close! Nothing personal, and yep I'm sure it's a personality fault for the majority of people

chemicalworld · 25/10/2021 19:17

My dad is like this, absolutely useless to be honest. I have no words of advise but you are not alone. My dad grew up a solitary child and never really had any friends or opportunities to connect with other kids until school life. I think its just what he is used to, can't think of others at all.

FatAnkles · 25/10/2021 19:22

I'm like this. I rarely contact my family. They invite me to stuff and I go along happily but otherwise I don't stay in touch. I am a very insular, shy sort and I don't trust...anyone, really.

JustAnother0ldMan · 25/10/2021 19:23

My dad was like this until he died, he never called me, but he was always happy to chat when I called

Original poster
Plentyofchips · 25/10/2021 19:46

@fatankles and @flipflopfoodle may I ask why you don't get on touch with family? Would you be/are you the same with your own children? Is it just a 'our of sight out of mind' thing or do you actually not really want to talk to them? Too busy with people who are more meaningful people/things in your life? Thank you for replying it's interesting to hear from people who are like this and I would really like to understand it a bit more

OP posts:
Monolithique · 25/10/2021 20:01

My dad's the same, and as with yours my parents divorced many years ago when I was an older teen. Dad's in his 80s now and , like Just another's dad , won't call me but is happy to chat if I call him.
It is frustrating.

Dacquoise · 25/10/2021 20:03

Some people just aren't attached to other family members, out of site, out of mind, or used to being the contactee rather than the contacter. It's not really anything you have done or anything lacking in you, it's them. I have found they contact you when they need or want something then go back to the self absorption as normal. It's whether you want to keep chasing that's the crux of it.

Flipflopfoodle · 25/10/2021 20:14

My DH is very needy and loving, I'm fine with it, my kids seem to be well balanced, 3 all going/gone through teen years without drugs, drink, aggression (I work with teenagers too from some difficult backgrounds so am familiar with how hard it can be). I'm affectionate towards them, they have said they come to me not DH when have problems as I don't fuss.

I definitely had a miserable childhood. Not that I knew better at the time but emotionally absent parents, cold, dirty, hungry. Also had a disability that is irrelevant now but was a reason for peers at school to bully me for. I'm very aware of not rearing my kids the same way as I was.
However my main point is I have no dislike of my family, and even feel affection/love for them, it's not them, like it won't be you. It's my personality, I'm the same with friends as well. I think you either need to accept someone like this as they are, and take no personal upset from it, or walk away to protect yourself emotionally if you have to.

Original poster
Plentyofchips · 25/10/2021 20:23

@flipflopfoodle thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. I sort of get half way to accepting my dad is the way he is but I think when I see him it just brings it all back up for me. It's just a huge feeling of rejection. It sounds like you have open communication nwith your kids and they feel like they can come to you of needed. I would never dream of talking about anything remotely emotional with my dad for fear of making him uncomfortable or angry so we just have superficial chats really. I just hope I never make my children feel as unloved and unlovable as my dad has made me feel.

OP posts:
Flipflopfoodle · 25/10/2021 20:27

Obviously my kids are still at home but I'm sure I'd phone them once a week, but my DH would probably like to put a tracker on them! Grin. I would sell my soul for my kids and adore my DH, but I am not a sociable person in any other way, no parties, nights out with friends etc

Flipflopfoodle · 25/10/2021 20:30

I'm sorry your dad is like that. I'm sure you will be a better parent, I am determined to be better for my kids. I avoid emotional talk with my family but my kids are very open to me so hopefully I'm doing it right.

Sittingonabench · 25/10/2021 22:12

I’m quite like this too (as is most of my family). I speak regularly with my mother but not so much siblings, or extended family however they are my rock and we are incredibly close. I love them all very dearly and would do absolutely anything for them (and have dropped everything to be there when they’ve needed me) as I know they would for me. I have a few close friends I feel the same way about too. But months can pass without any actual contact. It’s not necessarily out of sight out of mind- they are always in my mind but they have lives and I have mine which takes up a lot of our day to day and contact feels forced rather than natural (texts or regular calls). When we do see each other - that time is theirs, it’s like no time has passed and it’s dedicated to them. We are fortunate though in that none of us need the constant contact to feel connected. I know lots of people do need that and sometimes my friendships have drifted as it’s not a natural thing for me to provide. Kids are slightly different but I couldn’t really tell you why.

Original poster
Plentyofchips · 26/10/2021 09:00

@sittingonabench To be honest I don't think it sounds like the same situation. I am also the same with friends that live an hour or two away and extended family. My auntie I can 'forgive' because she isn't my parent evethough I was close to her as a child. But like you said kids are slightly different. I just can't imagine not bothering to contact my child for over 2 years at a time. I don't feel like I need constant contact at all but it's more that he never bothers contacting me. It doesn't sound like you would do that to your children

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