Just want some advice please or the opportunity to off load. Have been married a long time first few years very good, but most of the marriage I have had periods of finding it hard. A lot of history I will not go into, but I struggle to forget the past issues (no infidelity, mainly him being moody and shouting at me). These issues have improved a lot over recent years, but my respect for him has reduced and I feel sadness that our marriage has not turned out as I had hoped.
I am feeling under pressure from other issues and caring responsibilities I now have. This has led me to be less patient when he is stressed or cross, I can feel less tolerant of him and he often talks to me in a child like voice, that really irritates me. Our sex life has never been very frequent or particularly great, but is non-existent now (I have no interest). I find his physical advances make me feel he is clingy. I find him physically attractice still, but his behaviour is unattractive.
He obviously has concerns about the situation, I usually don't want to discuss it with him as it leads to an argument and nothing changes anyway. A couple of weeks ago he wanted to discuss the situation and promised he would not get cross, he didn't. I explained I was finding him being stressed, constantly on edge and short tempered exhausting, that I struggled to come to terms with his past behaviour and due to the current pressures on me could no longer put the effort in to try and keep him calm. He took a lot of this on board, arranged a GP appointment, is having CBT and on an antidepressant. All positive steps
However, it has left him in constant need of reassurance from me that we are okay, I feel he is assessing my every word and facial expression for signs of if I adore or dislike him. He feels because he has taken these steps, I should now feel completely different and that any issues should be in the past. I still feel the same. Last night, I was asleep when he came to bed and he accidentally woke me up. He wanted cuddles and I was not wanting to. This followed by many hours of him just repeating he wanted me to like him and it all be okay, he would not stop saying this over and over again. I would ask for him to stop, he would for a few minutes, then start again.This is the very behaviour that upsets me and makes me feel depressed about our relationship. He said he was panicking about our relationship and could not stop this behaviour. Consequently neither of us had much sleep.
I don't like myself for being intolerant, I want a happy marriage, but can't see how things can improve. We have adult children and he is generally a good father, works hard etc, tries to help more around the house
Any ideas? Sorry it is long!