Am I paranoid or is there a safety risk?

[suckingjoy]

I do not feel fully safe around my mother (75). I can’t really talk in real life, as am the only person who feels like this, which makes me sound beyond crazy.

Backstory for context only
Childhood (until moved out at 18), she would switch from OK to crazy quickly, usually hard to predict the switch which came without obvious cause. Raging, violence etc – a couple of times I felt my life was at risk, not because she was trying to kill me deliberately but because when someone is so out of control accidents happen. Anyway, nastiness, high control, manipulation/twisting of truth- were harder to take but also harder to explain, as individual examples sound excusable/petty.

99% of this happened when we were alone, she is professional person, who outside the home seems nice/normal.

My father passed in 2016, and in the run up to his death, I saw the switch returning in new ways: untrue or grain of truth stories portraying me a bad way, the health scares (some true), the need to have me to herself (without my DH) – aspects of handling of my father (great in public, but mean about him in private up to the point where I got worried for his safety in the end).

today....
Happily living in London for 30 years, while of course life has ups & downs I am very lucky to have friends, a job & happily with DH for 15 yrs.

I had not been overseas to visit since Christmas/New Year 2019 – until Sep 2021 (Covid). I found the visit hard, a lot of the conservation focused on her poor health, sad life, loneliness, and distress that I was not around during covid, how covid was harder for her than anyone else she knows, anger and tears that I can’t travel again until after Spring 22(dealing with some health problems). She told me on a phone call his weekend that I’m like her favorite toy that has been taken away, I am sad for her, but also I found this unnerving.

I really think that she does not mean to do these things & I don’t want counselling, I am truly at peace with the past, and only wish her a long happy, peaceful life.

I also want to be kind, and to do the right thing but as I have always somehow accidently set her off & am feeling increasingly uneasy & unsafe and am thinking in future, I can’t be alone with her in her house.

What I’d like impartial opinions on is if I sound crazy, paranoid or selfish, or does anyone get my concern for safety?

sorry this is so long....

Thanks for reading - wonder if any of this rambling makes sense?

Yikes. I got chills at that toy comment.

I think you should trust your instincts on this one op.

When they are screaming at you that you are I danger it's really important to listen.

I mean we aren't just talking standard npd abuser here if you are feeling physical threat.

Dont be alone with her again. You don't owe anyone putting your physical safety in danger. Even if it was 'just' the mental abuse, you shouldn't run around after anyone like that.

Get her a home help. And avoid.

Hell, if it were me I would move far away where she couldn't find me. But that's just because I never, ever take a risk on toxic people. You can always count on them to behave toxicly.

Ah wait,you're oversees anyway. Brilliant.

@Pinkbonbon - thanks for that comment, especially picking up on the 'toy' comment. (After all there are worse things to be than a toy :) )
I can't explain why it unnerved me but it did.

I really think that she does not mean to do these things

99% of this happened when we were alone, she is professional person, who outside the home seems nice/normal.

I'm not sure its possible to reconcile those two statements. That she seems "normal" outside the home suggests she has control over her actions which means she does chose to behave the way she does in private.

I don't think you should rely on the opinions of strangers to help you feel safe. Trust your instincts and do not be alone with her.

I would also question why you feel you should be kind to someone who has, and continues, to treat you badly. You think you "accidentally" trigger her, how can you possibly feel safe when confronted with such unpredictable behaviour. It's time to place your sense of safety ahead of the feelings of a woman who has no concern for yours

It unnerved you because she slipped up and told you exactly how she sees you. Abusers tend to see their victims as objects for their own satisfaction or amusement.

She actually may even have meant for you to realise it's how she sees you. A dominance move. Or simply, to devalue you.

Either it was an unfortunate slip where she told you exactly what she is, a power play to 'put you back in your place' (beneath her). And arguably, possibly even a thinly veiled threat.

I think its best not to think too much on how much she means what she does. That's a whole rabbithole of...more pain. Considering you live far away I don't think you should open open can of worms. Best just to continue distance yourself as much as possible. Maybe change your number and 'forget' to tell her.

You know your mum best, if you feel unsafe, then you probably are. Your subconscious probably recognised some little behaviour from the past which is why you can't exactly explain it.

I'd stay away from her. You can invent enough stuff to not fly back to her.

@FOJN - thanks for the reply.

I see what you mean by the 2 conflicting statements - I suppose I think of it like people have to act a certain way in public, but they automatically let their guard down at home & blow. While not good, is not the same as someone deliberately being like that.

The only reason I want to be kind is to do the right thing.

The only point I disagree slightly with you on - is I absolutely find the opinions of strangers on here very useful, you guys are impartial, I may be too close to it to be.

@wombatspoopcubes very true, i do think that we subconsciously take in stuff that we don't realize. then I look at a frail 75 year old and think i'm over thinking the level of danger.

@Pinkbonbon - you are right, in the past I expended a lot of energy wondering why she does these things, but now i'd prefer to think that she doesn't mean it, but still does it. Easier that way. Happy to talk on the phone, fine to meet in person, just need to find reasons not to be isolated/alone in person. thanks!

"The only reason I want to be kind is to do the right thing"

What are the reasons behind such a mindset?. I think that is your FOG screaming (fear, obligation and guilt). You would like to think that she does not mean to do this to you but she really absolutely does. You're her scapegoat for her inherent ills. It's time indeed to place your sense of safety ahead of the feelings of a woman who has no concern for yours

She has never shown you any kindness really and has told you that you are basically her plaything (to pick up and put down when she feels like it). You would not have ever tolerated this from a friend and your mother is no different.

Do the right thing by you, not her. I would put far more mental distance between you and your mother. Her private and public faces are two very different things, abusers also can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Oh OP. I recognise that thought process.

Please look for the "but we took you to Stately Homes" threads.

OP my message about strangers opinions could simply have said you know what you experience and feel and you should trust that.

While not good, is not the same as someone deliberately being like that.

It is the same as someone being deliberately like that. I'm sure at some point in your life you have had an impulse to speak or behave unkindly to someone, what did you do? Did you act on the impulse and apologise later, feeling guilty about your behaviour and hating that it was your own actions which led to the guilt or did you bite your tongue knowing you would feel bad about it later if you didn't. Your mum has those same choices.

If you feel you're in danger then those feelings must come from somewhere.... I believe in trusting my gut for feelings about things. As you say, she's 75 maybe you're just being paranoid but.... Then these thoughts have to have some founding in something or you wouldn't have thought them!

What is it (you don't have to say ) that you think she may do to harm you? You say as a result of accidents when someone is not in the right frame of mind, but I'm wondering what you think could happen?

Just stay away and try not to feel sorry for her. She’s manipulating you.

Hello dear,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother... I think it is a good idea to listen to your instinct. If you think you are in danger, there might be a possibility that you are.

I dont think it is very normal to refer to your child as a toy... I think professional help is necessary here...

Stay safe dear