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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

WWYD "D"M making random shit up about me

16 replies

ElfinsMum · 25/10/2021 11:28

My DM is an anxious kind of person, we all are in our family. Her fragile mental health has always had a big impact on our family, is treated as a given by everyone else, but we never raise it directly. If we ever try, my dad protects her and closes it down. God knows what he thinks would happen if we just said it out loud.

She has always had form for extrapolating what I tell her and presenting her exaggerated worries about me and my life as gospel truth to others. She does this to and about others too, not just me. It is annoying, ocasionally upsetting, and means I don't really trust her with anything important.

Several years ago, we moved to Australia. She was very hurt and angry but refused to acknowledge it. Since covid, we have only spoken over Skype and with the kids. We speak regularly, share lots of photos etc but stick to very safe/shallow topics.

She has taken to sending me nasty emails and letters. She often includes articles from UK press that are critical of Australia, e.g. awful immigration detention, useless climate policy (all stuff that gets plenty of criticism in AU press btw). Usually they are accompanied by a snipey note. I generally just ignore, occasionally reply to an email with something I hope is diplomatic. I always continue to speak to her on Skype as if nothing has happened.

Last week, an absolute howler arrived in the post. It is toxic nonsense. She had mulled over coverage of the new AUKUS defence pact thing and then written this poison about how Australia will introduce the DRAFT and my kids will be conscripted and it will all be my fault. I mean WTAF???

I have had enough. I want to call her on it and make her stop. Perhaps she actually needs help for these delusions.

Has anyone else ever dealt with anything similar? WWYD??

OP posts:
ChilliWillies · 25/10/2021 11:32

If your dad is ‘protecting’ her, put it on him. Send it to him and say ‘this has to stop, you’re enabling her’.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 25/10/2021 11:37

I was just going to say the same as @ChilliWillies

Send it to your Dad and tell him to stop enabling her

TheFoundations · 25/10/2021 12:25

You can't control what other people do, even if they're family. Especially if they're family, in fact.

If you have toxic family members the way to stop yourself getting poisoned is to minimise contact, and to not emotionally engage when you do have contact.

You cannot 'make her stop'. You can make yourself stop.

ElfinsMum · 25/10/2021 12:44

@TheFoundations I do know this. I learnt it early and have distanced myself as far as practically possible ever since leaving home. Now I have removed myself to the other side of the world and have only spoken to her as part of a group including young kids for the last 18 months.

Perhaps that's it: with all the covid restrictions, she has had to resort to these increasingly bizarre measures to hurt me 🤨

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/10/2021 16:15

Have you considered introducing her to online forums? That way she can get it out of her system without bothering you.

Just not Mumsnet

mbosnz · 25/10/2021 16:30

My DH said to his father the other day, 'why thank you for so neatly summarising the Daily Mail in your email. What a pile of absolute fucking bollocks.' He's toned it down somewhat, since then.

What you could do is return fire, send her a nice summary of all the shade being thrown at the UK - e.g. how people are fuming about the Free Trade Deals with Australia, etc, etc. . .

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2021 16:33

Its not your fault she is the ways she is. She could well have some form of untreated - and untreatable - personality disorder. Your dad protecting her as he has done, has done both him and you all no favours either. Such enabling only gives him a false sense of control.

I would completely drop the rope she holds out to you. Any items she sends should be shredded without opening and do not acknowledge any of it.

fumfspos · 25/10/2021 16:37

Put anything like that in the bin immediately. Don't even give it the time of day.

Skype with the kids but let that be the sum total of communication.

Acheyknees · 25/10/2021 16:40

I'd forward the email to your father under the guise that you are concerned for her mental health. I'd ask him if he'd noticed any weird behavior on her behalf, perhaps it would be wise for a check up at the doctors?

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 16:44

Thankfully you are far far away!!
Just pop her emails in the bin.

And have a peaceful Christmas!!
Grin

AspCommie · 25/10/2021 16:58

I'd ignore and delete each and every such email.

Only chat on a calm "catch up" level.

Theunamedcat · 25/10/2021 17:04

Forward the emails to your dad and suggest he speaks to her about this or you will stop facilitating contact in case of escalation

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 18:04

What @ChilliWillies said - send it to your Dad and tell him that if he doesn't want you to tell her directly, then he'd better make sure she doesn't send nasty letters and emails like this again.

Cherrysoup · 25/10/2021 18:53

Are the crazy things usually via post? I’d speak to your dad and tell him to stop enabling her and to stop her sending such shite, if he knows about it. Sounds horrendous. My db emigrated to escape my ‘d’m, but she then went over twice annually! He was furious. They had some terrible rows.

noirchatsdeux · 25/10/2021 21:21

I moved the opposite way to you 20 years ago to get away from my mother. She followed me back to the UK, realised after 18 months that I wasn't going to follow in the footsteps of 3 of her brothers and give up my life to live with and look after her (and she was in her mid 50s at the time) and had the sense to return to Oz and has been there every since.

I'm the only girl out of 3 and I know she thinks I'm a pretty dreadful daughter, I'm a massive disappointment to her...I haven't had children and for the last few years haven't been able to work full time due to being physically disabled - I know she lies to everyone about that, making out that I'm still in a high profile job...it's an awful thing to realise your mother is ashamed of you for no good reason.

I would have a word with your father, tell him if it still continues you will be throwing anything she sends to you directly in the bin.

ElfinsMum · 26/10/2021 11:00

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have previously thought that it is possible she has a personality disorder. But, as you say, that's basically just a blind alley.

To everyone saying "Bin, bin", that's exactly what I did. Couldn't shred it fast enough!

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