my 8 year old doesn't want to visit his dad. help.

[willow1995]

hello ladies.
I need advice. my son is 8 years old and me and my ex split when he was one years old due to relationship breaking down, him trying to cheat on me etc. Anyway since my son was 3 years old, he hasn't been wanting to go to his dad's every other weekend, as he's gotten older it's been getting worse, he cries before he has to go, says he doesn't want to go, says his dad bullies him. now my ex has always bullied me and still tries to now as well, basically telling our son that my house smells (it does not) that he's too small, he needs to beef up, that I'm lazy (again I am not, I work, and also look after my youngest son as well, and a few other things as well. my son does not want to go to his dad's house, and I don't know what to do or where I stand. my son is scared of his dad and I must admit so am I. my son came back last night from his dad's and when his dad left, he started to cry. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to force him seeing his dad but I know if I say to him that my son doesnt want to see him anymore, that I will get blamed etc. his father has tried to make my life a misery since splitting, calling social services countless of times on me, calling me names, just not being a nice person to be honest. I have tried and tried to keep mutual towards him, but he also keeps threatening to take my son away from me to live with him as well, I'm scared and don't know what to do. any advice would be appreciated. thanks

Does his father have parental responsibility for him (is he named on the birth certificate)?

Do you have a written agreement for his father's contact time (did it go through court)?

We need to know specifics to be able to advise you.

yes he is on the birth certificate, and no there is no written agreement. we sorted it out between ourselves 7 years ago when we split. there is no court involved. thank you for answering x

If your son is emotionally distressed and being intimidated and bullied by his father you are within your rights to stop him going to his dad's in order to prevent your son from suffering further emotional harm.

Write down what your son has said to you about the way in which his father has treated him. You don't have to verbally communicate with a narcissist. Any contact can be by email only. Set up an email account for contact with him and block him on your mobile phone.take away his control over you.Tell him in email that any contact with him will now be through email only and that your son will no longer be having direct contact with him due to your concerns over emotional harm. Notify social services of why you are stopping contact and notify your son's school.

As he is on the birth certificate, he has PR, so he will then have to seek a child contact order through the family court. Speak to a solicitor. They may suggest offering supervised contact at a contact centre.if he is threatening to take your son, you can apply for an emergency residency order through court- seek advice from a solicitor asap.

I'm scared, I know I shouldn't be scared of my ex, this is making me so stressed out. I cannot afford court fees etc, I just wish we could get along for my sons sake and for him to stop saying not very nice things to my son x

If you have proof of domestic abuse you may qualify for legal aid, but you can represent yourself in court.

unfortunately I don't have proof. it's my sons word against his, emotional bullying. the only proof I have or the father bullying me is photo graphs of bank notes (he owed me money) with comments on them which he had written about me so I couldn't really use the bank notes. but that was years ago but I do still have the photographs as I took photos of them. x

I just wish we could get along for my sons sake and for him to stop saying not very nice things to my son

Unfortunately this is never going to happen, because your ex is an abusive arsehole. Ring Women's Aid (it doesn't matter than you're no longer in a relationship with this man or that he abuse is not physical, he is still abusing you) and listen to their advice. Start documenting all of the things your son says his father tells him. That is a form of proof. You need to stop hoping this situation will change, it will only change if YOU take steps to make it so.

I hope the above posters have given you the tools you need to protect your son.

Please stop sending a small child to a bully's house every weekend. He will be immeasurably damaged by it.

In the very unlikely event that your ex takes you to court, you can explain then. But I bet he doesn't.

Maybe you could ask your son what he wants? It maybe that it would work better for him to see his father for shorter amounts of time? Eg no sleep overs but a tea date. It maybe that his father carnt cope parenting for very long.
I'm not saying it's ok the way his fathers acts not at all, but it may work better for your son.

Unfortunately OP many abusive ex’s start being abusive to their children also. Over last few years there has been a huge push regarding fathers rights and how children need their fathers. The truth some parents shouldn’t be near their children because they are abusive (can be either the father or mother). If he is being emotionally abusive to your son this will do more harm to your son then not seeing his father. In your situation I think you need to find a way of either ending or reducing their time together.

OP I have worked in the DV arena. Look up the NDVC - national domestic violence centre- you can self refer - you can call them or refer yourself online. They have criteria where they have a legal team and can complete paperwork and prepare your statement to request a non molestation order in relation to your ex if he is being abusive. There is no cost to request a non molestation order and the NCDV do not charge to complete the paperwork.You don't have to have a legal representative for that.

Most court hearings are on zoom still so you can turn your camera off during the hearing. The judge can ask you any questions directly. If it is in person(which I very much doubt due to covid) you can request a Mackenzie friend to accompany you. You can get support. It is wise to have your concerns about your son recorded with child protection bodies such as social services so log your concerns with them.

It's time to stand up to your ex for your and your son's sake. Help is out there...

Think about how scared you are if your ex, your DS is a child and is more terrified than you are.

Stop contact and let him take
It through the court system. He will likely end up with EOW again but your DS will get a break and be heard by you and cafcass.

Have you spoken to school and asked for their support?

Don't send him there again. Ever.
Let him go to court if he wants.

Infact, take your son to the police station now and have him report the abuse. Report any harassment against you too.

I would then look to move to the other side of the country and not tell the bastard where I was. 8 years or so and there will be nothing he can do as the boy is 16.

Do not send your son back to him. Supervised contact if at all x