Advice on men and empathy/giving back support

Ripley1977 · 2021-10-24T23:19:51+00:00

Do you find that it's mostly you giving emotional support, empathy with issues and problems, then when you are expressing something important that has affected you to your OH they don't say much? Male POV would be much appreciated also. I've just found that it's a bit one way, sometimes he literally says nothing when I've told him something that's upset me, but is happy to sound off and receive support from me whenever needed. Thanks for any input :)

Keepitonthedownlow · 25/10/2021 00:26

Not a male but I'm dating in my 40s and recently I've met two or three men who are refreshingly open and good at listening. It has given me hope. I think both men and women can get into a bad habit of not listening, particularly if it's a long term relationship and you have a lot on your plate. Sometimes the environment can matter too eg going a walk can be better than when watching TV. Some people, with coaching, can learn and others are too self centred and can't.

Keepitonthedownlow · 25/10/2021 00:27

Emotional intelligence is also a factor, some people find it difficult to discuss emotions, they have no vocabulary for it, having never learnt.

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2021 00:31

My ex husband was like this but I can honestly say looking back on all my past relationships, he was the only one.

The others were fairly good listeners and quite empathetic, just as my husband is.

I've got 3 adult sons and I'd say the eldest comes across as lacking in empathy a bit, but he's the most practical of the 3 and would do anything practical to help make the situation better.

The other two are less practical but much better at emotional support.

Animood · 25/10/2021 00:52

I can come across as not being empathetic in a relationship.

When this has happened in the past, it's because I've had too much going on in my own head, that I simply don't have any emotional energy left to give to someone else.

For example, someone had just died and I was grieving. I had zero mental energy to listen to my ex tell me about his psycho boss. Obviously his problem was important and I did try. I just couldn't deal with any more drama, so kind of disengaged with what he was saying and kind of just nodded along.

Hope I'm explaining myself properly.

sunnyzweibrucken · 25/10/2021 01:14

My ex was like this. I told him he was lacking an empathy chip. I could tell him my arm was falling off or I was having an asthma attack and get no response. He never asked me about doctors appointments or asked how I was feeling after I told him something was wrong. I guess he was very practical but for me it came across as cold and uncaring.

I remember when I was in high school I had surgery and my teenage BF called my parents so he could get a ride to the hospital to see me. And when I got an infection after the surgery he was visibly worried and very caring. My unempathetic ex who is in his 50s couldnt show an ounce of what my teenaged BF could. It made me feel like I didn’t even matter.

Original poster

Ripley1977 · 25/10/2021 01:23

Thanks so much for your replies :) I think the most difficult thing is if he talks to me about stuff and gets sympathy, a listening ear etc, why doesn't he learn to do the same back? We've both had upheavals and it can feel like I don't matter. I mean, saying nothing at all, not even, ah and a hug etc. I've listened and been there alot it's difficult to understand as a partner

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 25/10/2021 01:27

I think men often focus on the practical way forward, as opposed to just listening and connecting emotionally. Pointing this out, my DH has gotten better about it. Now he understands that I'm not always just looking for a fix.

Original poster

Ripley1977 · 25/10/2021 01:28

@sunnyzweibrucken

My ex was like this. I told him he was lacking an empathy chip. I could tell him my arm was falling off or I was having an asthma attack and get no response. He never asked me about doctors appointments or asked how I was feeling after I told him something was wrong. I guess he was very practical but for me it came across as cold and uncaring.

I remember when I was in high school I had surgery and my teenage BF called my parents so he could get a ride to the hospital to see me. And when I got an infection after the surgery he was visibly worried and very caring. My unempathetic ex who is in his 50s couldnt show an ounce of what my teenaged BF could. It made me feel like I didn’t even matter.

Sorry to hear that, I do get some ppl aren't great at it, we aren't all taught this stuff, but if you're there for them surely it should be reciprocal. Glad to hear he's your ex

OP posts:

Original poster

Ripley1977 · 25/10/2021 01:29

@MissConductUS

I think men often focus on the practical way forward, as opposed to just listening and connecting emotionally. Pointing this out, my DH has gotten better about it. Now he understands that I'm not always just looking for a fix.

That's good to hear that you got somewhere and he has changed :)

OP posts:

IncessantNameChanger · 25/10/2021 02:00

My dh has definitely got less empathy as he has got older. Weirdly he seems be ozing empathy and is a great people person at work. Just not with me anymore.
His parents got divorced when he was young and both are hugy kissy types but they also have no empathy. In fact his mum has become devoid in that area. It's no bodeing well for the future. I dont think it improves once it's on the slide. If you canr even listen and nod and ask questions then your very selfish.

Even if I'm at my wits end I can do this for my friends. Even if their no energy to fix anything for them. Listening is a totally free and effortless basic skill. It has too be practiced for some but if you can even listen then you need to try harder.

Dontbekatty · 25/10/2021 06:58

My DH will listen intently and then … just say nothing. Not a thing. Not a sympathetic ’ah, there, there’. Just nowt. He (and his entire family - that’s another story) just ignore any difficult conversation and live by a ‘less said, soonest mended’ type of mantra if it’s awkward for them. He doesn’t offer an opinion and the odd time he has, he completely misses the point, purposely though I think.
Hard to explain. Although I love him, he’s completely emotionally constipated with me.
He can muster it up for other people though and is quite astute. So I think he does it thinking if he doesn’t engage or buy into it, I’ll forget about it and normal service will resume. I have an on-going life problem, which I think is unsolvable where we live now but he’s happy where he is. So he just is ignoring my sadness and tears.
Christ, sorry op - my wittering on hasnt helped you at all I’d say.

Joystir59 · 25/10/2021 07:03

Generally men are disconnected from their feelings.

Rescuer · 25/10/2021 07:29

My exH was like that - never present, good at acting like he was listening but not hearing a thing.

My partner now is the best listener I know - really present and it makes me feel seen. The knock-on effect is that we understand each other and share a lot about what's going on for each of us, which builds more connection/togetherness.

Saying that though, there are a couple of times when we've argued when I've felt that he wasn't listening to my POV (& vice versa) AND I've named it - "you're really not listening to hear me. Please hear me".

He's been brilliant at then stopping, apologising and really hearing me. It makes ALL the difference.

My advice to you is to ask for what you need, when you need it and use feedback to nurture your relationship. That's the biggest lesson I took into this relationship - happiness is our birthright and we have to actively create it....or leave if our situation doesn't allow room for it. Best wishes to you.

Original poster

Ripley1977 · 26/10/2021 15:57

@Dontbekatty

My DH will listen intently and then … just say nothing. Not a thing. Not a sympathetic ’ah, there, there’. Just nowt. He (and his entire family - that’s another story) just ignore any difficult conversation and live by a ‘less said, soonest mended’ type of mantra if it’s awkward for them. He doesn’t offer an opinion and the odd time he has, he completely misses the point, purposely though I think. Hard to explain. Although I love him, he’s completely emotionally constipated with me. He can muster it up for other people though and is quite astute. So I think he does it thinking if he doesn’t engage or buy into it, I’ll forget about it and normal service will resume. I have an on-going life problem, which I think is unsolvable where we live now but he’s happy where he is. So he just is ignoring my sadness and tears. Christ, sorry op - my wittering on hasnt helped you at all I’d say.

No not at all, sorry to hear that... you know what pee'd me off, reading that your DH can muster it up for other people, I can't get my head round it

does he expect you to listen and be supportive...?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ripley1977 · 26/10/2021 16:03

@Rescuer

My exH was like that - never present, good at acting like he was listening but not hearing a thing.

My partner now is the best listener I know - really present and it makes me feel seen. The knock-on effect is that we understand each other and share a lot about what's going on for each of us, which builds more connection/togetherness.

Saying that though, there are a couple of times when we've argued when I've felt that he wasn't listening to my POV (& vice versa) AND I've named it - "you're really not listening to hear me. Please hear me".

He's been brilliant at then stopping, apologising and really hearing me. It makes ALL the difference.

My advice to you is to ask for what you need, when you need it and use feedback to nurture your relationship. That's the biggest lesson I took into this relationship - happiness is our birthright and we have to actively create it....or leave if our situation doesn't allow room for it. Best wishes to you.

Thank you for the advice @Rescuer your post made me smile, how lovely! :) I did say something last night and explained it calmly, he tried to defend himself at first and made excuses but then calmed down and said he does understand why I'm upset ... so we shall see. He seemed surprised there was even an issue with it

OP posts:

Original poster

Ripley1977 · 26/10/2021 16:05

@IncessantNameChanger

My dh has definitely got less empathy as he has got older. Weirdly he seems be ozing empathy and is a great people person at work. Just not with me anymore. His parents got divorced when he was young and both are hugy kissy types but they also have no empathy. In fact his mum has become devoid in that area. It's no bodeing well for the future. I dont think it improves once it's on the slide. If you canr even listen and nod and ask questions then your very selfish.

Even if I'm at my wits end I can do this for my friends. Even if their no energy to fix anything for them. Listening is a totally free and effortless basic skill. It has too be practiced for some but if you can even listen then you need to try harder.

Yes I agree, I do think it comes more naturally to some people, but no response at all, it's bit weird ! Have you said anything to your DH?

OP posts:

JustAnother0ldMan · 26/10/2021 17:00

@Joystir59

Generally men are disconnected from their feelings.

This is bollocks of course, we (men) are perfectly connected with our feelings, we know when we are happy or sad, BUT I do agree with a previous poster who said men think more about problems and how to deal them then how other people feel.

generally I think if you told your husband you had a specific problem, he would probably come up with a few suggestions around a solution, but if you said you were upset about xyz, and there was no particular solution to stop you feeling upset, then he wouldn’t have an answer for you, try asking him how how would feel if xyz happened to him.

layladomino · 26/10/2021 17:09

When I've met people like that I've tried to treat them as they treat me.

If they aren't going to show any interest in my stomach ache / bad day at work then I'm not going to show any interest in their twisted ankle / arguement at the doctors.

Of course this is only a temporary measure, as no relationship will flourish from 2 people ignoring each other! But it can just be the jolt someone needs - especially if they are used to you showing you care.

Could you ask him directly, next time 'I just told you my xx is seriously ill and you haven't responded. Why?'

I think as pp have said, some people (not just men) think if they can't solve the problem then they have nothing of value to say. Some just use it as an excuse not to engage emotionally as they can't be bothered. I suppose you need to decide which of those your husband is, and if there is hope of him changing.

JustAnother0ldMan · 26/10/2021 17:33

My exW used to use me as her emotional dumping ground, she would get back from work and say that blah blah has done this or blah blah said that and I really couldn’t care less, however, when her mum was ill or she really needed some support, it was difficult to muster the energy to help as I was so used to all this other crap, so she probably thought I had no emotional intelligence or empathy, but in reality it was just dumbed down