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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I leave him?

13 replies

Momof2x · 24/10/2021 21:19

Hi everyone,

So basically I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years now. We have two children together, a 2 year old and 6 year old.

We have had many rough patches throughout our relationship. He has a split personality and goes through funny phases. One week he's on a high then the next he is as miserable as sin.
He snaps quite often and doesn't have much patience with the kids but when he's in a good mood he's like a totally different person.
When he's home, he is constantly on the phone to friends, we barley have conversations.

Sometimes he can really loose it and I mean he flips. This has happened a bunch of times throughout the years.
He has never hit me but he will throw things in anger. I just keep quiet, I don't even argue back as I hate confrontation.
After he has his mad moments he apologise and says he can't control his temper most times.
A few occasions I've threatened to leave him and that's just really worked him up . Then he makes me feel guilty about it and I always end up forgiving him.
He says he loves me and the kids more than anything and everything he does it for for us.
Financially I'd be lost without him and wouldn't be able to afford half the things I can now. I only work part time and would struggle on my own. I know I'd eventually id get by and be able to do more hours once my youngest starts school.
Anyway he had one of his moments 4 days ago, he flipped at me infronf of our daughter and made her cry as she was scared with him shouting. I told him that I'm done with this relationship which he didn't like.
He ended up packing a bag and went to stay In his mates, where he still is now. He's messaged me since to say he's sorry and that me and the kids our his world. I've basically told him how I've been feeling about being mirsrable in our relationship and he said if that's what you want, then there's nothing I can do.
We've barley spoke, apart from when he's rang to speak to the kids.
My family and friends think I'm doing the right thing as I've been unhappy for a while.
However now I'm sat here feeling weak and how life won't ever be the Same.
Both my children have been saying they miss their daddy which really gets me.

He hasn't been able to see them for few days with work and obviously because he's been staying out.
I feel down about it all, but mainly for the children and maybe because I do love him deep down. I just don't know what to do anymore. Would I be stupid to take him back or should I just be free from him for good even though I'm sure i still have feelings for him and currently missing him being around.
I just feel sadness, when I should be feeling relieved that I don't have to put up with all the crap from him anymore.

Any advice, thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/10/2021 21:21

Taking him back would only be demonstrating to your dd what your version of a normal relationship looks like.

If that is the perspective you want her to have, and the kind of partner she will look for in the future, then sure - take her back.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/10/2021 21:21

Him.

Bonbon21 · 24/10/2021 21:24

So you take him back and this is the atmosphere your babies grow up in... tiptoeing round the temper bomb.. waiting for the boom!!
You are showing them that this is normal.
That this is how a relationship works.. about power and fear..
About the importance of keeping the shouter happy..
Go girl!!

Pemmican · 24/10/2021 21:27

He's a piece of shit. A moody, volatile, violent, overbearing bullying piece of shit.

Yes you would be very stupid to take him back. He will punish you mightily if you do.

GoodnightGrandma · 24/10/2021 21:29

If you take him back it will be more of the same.
Think of how you want your life to be and move towards it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2021 21:32

"Would I be stupid to take him back"

Yes

"or should I just be free from him for good even though I'm sure i still have feelings for him and currently missing him being around".

I am wondering if you are confusing love here with codependency.
You perhaps are grieving for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. What did he exactly do whilst he was around you apart from him being a fun sponge and a misery to be with?. What you're also describing with him when you were together was domestic violence and he also showed you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

Rebuild your life without him in it day to day. Reach out to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. Put in a maintenance claim for his children because he is financially responsible for them.

DotBall · 24/10/2021 21:50

You are feeling sad for a life that never was, and probably never would have been.
You are now free to build a better version for your children.

billy1966 · 24/10/2021 21:55

Yes you would be stupid to take him back.

Your children don't know any better but they are being terribly damaged by this environment.

The hard bit is done, he is gone from tge house.

Start organising yourself to do this alone.

A smaller home, a simpler life.

A peaceful, safe home for your children.

He is a shit partner and a shit father.

He is highly abusive.

Please stick to your guns.

Keep posting.Flowers

Momof2x · 11/11/2021 22:48

OK so I live in a semi detached house.
When I first moved in, a lovely elderly women lived next door until she eventually moved and put her house up for sale.

Not long after Newbies moved in. A married couple 💑 who have

been living there for around 2 years now.

Since they moved in they have been doing a lot of mantiance on the house, (silly hours) which is obviously noisy, however I can't complain about that . Occasionally they have parties till late and play very loud music. These parties are normally on weekends or during summer holidays.

I have two young children, one who is In school.

Right now I'm sat In bed trying to sleep on a school night, music is blasting and it is nearly 11pm!
I mean they don't do this often with it being a week day.

Do you think this is maybe inconsiderate though?
They are both fully aware I have two young children and that my eldest goes to school.

I'm just curious to know what people think?

Thanks

OP posts:
R0tational · 11/11/2021 22:53

Yes, its inconsiderate.

BruiserWoods · 11/11/2021 23:10

@GoodnightGrandma

If you take him back it will be more of the same. Think of how you want your life to be and move towards it.
Exactly. He's gone now. The hard part's done.

Please don't relent.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/11/2021 23:18

Your new neighbours are inconsiderate.

Your husband is abusive.

The second problem should be priority.

Momof2x · 12/11/2021 09:00

Luckily the second problem is solved now thanks.
He has moved out now and I'm so much happier in life.

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