Pass Agg brother. Opinions

[Atalune]

Dbro and I are not particularly close emotionally or geographically. He has form for “falling out” with me and giving me the silent treatment and won’t tell me why. This has happened alot over the years.

He has 2 grown adult children. 18 and 23.

For background I am terrible with dates and forget everyone’s birthdays. Everyone’s. It’s not personal. I’m usually a few days early (good) or a couple
Of days late (bad)

This year I forgot the 18 y.olds birthday. I texted as soon as I realised. Apologised. Then sent them some expensive and sentimental jewellery. Wrote a heartfelt card. Texted back and forth with the 18 year old. Heard nothing from brother. That’s ok. I cocked up.

It’s my sons birthday today. He’s much younger. In previous years Dbro has sent expensive gifts/toys. This year it was £10 in a card. I texted with a pic of him beaming and said thank you. No reply. He’s been on and off WhatsApp and is ignoring me.

So….

He’s punishing me/my son. He’s waiting for me to do something but what?

I know he’s pissed off but all this game playing is very annoying. Dh says leave him to stew and he’ll get over it. He’s tricky. Him and his wife routinely fall out with everyone. They are estranged from all family on both sides. Have never managed to hold on to long term friends.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe nothing. Gah!

And yes forgetting birthdays is bad. I know. I have air of anxiety around it due to dbro going mad that presents were never good enough/expensive enough in the past.

Do nothing. Just go about your day to day life. Let him sulk.

@Atalune

It’s not so much the acknowledgement more that him not reading the text o sent means that he WAS in a mood with me. And now this is punishment.

It’s a toxic dynamic. That’s for sure.

I guess I posted because I wanted some reassurance that I’m dealing with it the best way now.

He is the toxin. He's not toxic to you unless you engage with him. Take responsibility for yourself rather than trying to 'do the right thing'. Who do you think gets to decide what 'the right thing' is, anyway?

Choose your own 'right thing': minimise contact with toxic people.

Why do you feel you have to 'do something' about this?

Life is too short for this. Your brother is too old for this.. who cares? So what you forgot his birthday.

I don’t understand why adults who have been alive for several decades make a big deal out of their birthday. Yo my fell out of someone’s crotch today several decades ago.. congratulations!

We all have a birthday and no one is obligated to make a big deal for you on this day. Do something yourself and for your kids if you want. But honestly no one cares about your birthday.. a birthday text is good enough for adults. Or a card if you want.

And I don’t get being upset about an 18yr olds birthday. You sent a gift and a card. Your brother being upset is in him. Let him be islet and you live up life. It’s a stone for his own back.

Your brother needs to grow up! Listen to your DH.

I wanted to come back and say thank you all for the really good advice and support. Much appreciated!
I am starting to feel more in control. I am a dreadful people pleaser so leaving things as they are and letting db “performance stonewall” (love that!) is quite a big step.

And then you for all the tips on staying on top of dates.

Thanks everyone

I'm not sure what the problem is. He sent a card and money to your son, you said thank you. Why does there need to be a back and forth with him saying thank you for your thank you?
And actually, why can't you remember your niece/nephews birthday (it was their 18th so a special one this year)? It seems like this is a repeated scenario. Surely you would have put something in place a reminder especially if they always remember your sons each year. It just seems rude to me.

trad. Not rude. But yes careless. But also indicative of the general anxiety and paralysis around all interactions around db

@reader12

I have lots of siblings who have lots of kids, some of us get presents there on time, some never do presents, some do presents sometimes on time and sometimes late. Nobody cares or keeps score either way.

He’s being weird, just don’t join in and don’t absorb his judgement of you and turn it into self judgement. Forgetting a birthday for a couple of days is no big deal at all and a normal person would barely notice it let alone sulk. Just leave him be to do whatever nonsense makes him happy.

I agree.

@tradition

I'm not sure what the problem is. He sent a card and money to your son, you said thank you. Why does there need to be a back and forth with him saying thank you for your thank you? And actually, why can't you remember your niece/nephews birthday (it was their 18th so a special one this year)? It seems like this is a repeated scenario. Surely you would have put something in place a reminder especially if they always remember your sons each year. It just seems rude to me.

It seems rude to you but would you show you were offended by ignoring your brother?

WHY is it so rude?

The author thanked him for his son's present and his brother didn't thank him.

It was REALLY RUDE of his brother not to thank him even if it was done later.

"This year I forgot the 18 y.olds birthday. I texted as soon as I realised. Apologised. Then sent them some expensive and sentimental jewellery. "

"It’s my sons birthday today. He’s much younger. In previous years Dbro has sent expensive gifts/toys. This year it was £10 in a card. I texted with a pic of him beaming and said thank you. No reply. "

@Lana07 I suppose I read it that the OP must have been very late sending a card/gift to the 18yr old. She says she texted as soon as she realised then sent a gift so it could have been over a week late - does that seem like an afterthought to you? She says her Dbro always remembers her sons birthday so perhaps this year he was pissed off his sister always forgets his kids, esp as it was his daughters 18th.
But Dbro still sent OPs son a card and money on time. OP thanked him. But she's annoyed he didn't reply. Why does he need to thank her for thanking him. I don't get it.

So yes, I think OP is wrong for always forgetting, it seems rude to me.

trad

I think I’ve explained myself badly. I’m not waiting on my brother to thank me. But he’s deciding not to acknowledge (blue tick) my message from his nephew. Which was a pic of him beaming saying thank you. It feels game playing. He’s in a sulk.

If he’s cross about his dds 18, then communicate it. It not unreasonable of him to do that. Instead it’s my interpretation he has waited some time to “get me back” via my son.

I made a mistake. I tired to make good. Niece and I have exchanged texts. Seems fine. It feels wrong of him to behave like this. A retaliation or punishment.

He’s not in the wrong to be angry with me. I don’t dispute that. I find the way he operates confounding.

Maybe 2 wrongs don’t make a right? Something like that?

I dunno. I appreciate your input.

@Lana07. Thank you, you get it I think.

You're right, I think he is getting you back via your son (although I don't think your son is any the wiser). Perhaps in his mind he just wants you to feel as hurt as he felt when you forgot his daughters birthday? But I agree, would have been better if he'd spoken to you about it.
Families have strange dynamics sometimes and it can be easier to be a bit passive agg rather than be up front about things and really rock the boat!!