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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I totally weird...

27 replies

Donut22 · 24/10/2021 20:49

I've been broke up with my girls dad now for 2years.
I'm still not interested in looking for another partner, I've joined online dating but don't even respond, seems so much hard work 🙈I'm quite happy on my own with work and kids I haven't got time for anything else. It's peoples comments like oh your still single and no bf yet? It's so rude if u ask me to ask people that. Why is it people see it has a failure if your not in a relationship??

OP posts:
Limeeye · 24/10/2021 20:52

Nothing wrong with it, people are just curious as it holds a mirror up to their life. People like to be validated. I have no kids and am often batting questions off about that but it doesn’t offend me, I get people are curious.

You sound happy, don’t worry about it! It’s bloody stress free having no partner I think Grin

fumfspos · 24/10/2021 21:27

Do what suits you.
Society expects us to be coupled up and equates that with success. But it's bullshit.
Be in a relationship or don't be in a relationship - whatever works for you.
I'm 3 years out of a long term (disastrous) relationship and it's only now that I'm vaguely thinking that it might be nice to have some kind of relationship with someone (but I would never want to live with anyone again)
I'm very happy being single. I might like to meet someone but I'm not bothered if I don't

faithfulbird20 · 24/10/2021 21:28

I totally agree. It really need to be addressed. It's okay to not have a partner.

Yummypumpkin · 24/10/2021 21:30

Because it makes them feel superior, even though chances are they're posting on numsnet about points/ emotional affairs / laziness / cheating/ abuse.

You do you. Smile

Yummypumpkin · 24/10/2021 21:30

Mumsnet and Porn those typos should read!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/10/2021 21:32

It's weird isn't it?? I had these comments so often as I didn't have a proper relationship for at least 7 years after splitting from my ex husband. I was busy man! I was focusing on parenting and my career and wasn't ready for a relationship.

GoodnightGrandma · 24/10/2021 21:34

If I were to leave my DH I know I wouldn’t have another relationship. I’d be very happy to be alone.

WonderfulYou · 24/10/2021 22:07

Absolutely not. I’ve been single for years I literally don’t have the time/energy to go dating and starting a relationship with someone. If someone appears in my life then great but if not I’ll wait a couple of years when my DC are older when I have more time.

Livandme · 24/10/2021 22:12

It's what everyone asks me, especially if they haven't seen me for a while. Im usually OK with saying no, but occasionally I do feel sad. Think it's because I'd like someone to do things for and with occasionally.
I don't ask people as its none of my business and if they wanted me to know theyd tell me.

cuttlefishgame · 24/10/2021 22:22

I was on my own for 6 years after split with exH and it was great. Dated a few people casually, but I wasn't looking for a relationship at all and was quite happy just being me.

People seem to lose sight of the fact that when you're on your own you are 100% you, and not one half of something where the other half is missing.

TurnUpTurnip · 24/10/2021 22:34

Yes it is weird in the sense people think it is but I’m the same but been single for much longer for 5 years no dates or sex at all but yes people find it very very weird! Most women I know are with a new partner very quickly so it’s considered “weird” to people

1MillionDollars · 25/10/2021 00:43

Relationships are like school or university. It's just not for everyone.

Whatever works for you.

I personally never want to live with a woman ever again or have a conventional serious relationship. I want to maintain my own place and space.

We all confirm to the same nonsense. School, dating, moving in, marriage, kids.

At 40 I just don't think that is for me, maybe I've met the wrong people but I'm no longer prepared to take that risk. I want to maintain my space and be able to walk away if I need to walk away. Kids and finances make that hard for a lot of people, so a lot of people are trapped and unhappy but they never show it. We get entangled and trapped.

Whatever works, whatever makes you happy. If a person wants x from you, doesn't mean you have to give it.

I'm going to be upfront and honest so the other person can make an informed decision as to if they want the same or are happy with the arrangement. Ive given up a lot of myself to my ex, her nightmare kids and ex husband, I'm all about me and my kids now. I'm out.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2021 00:45

Ignore all of these nosy idiots, and feel free to tell them to mind their own fucking business if necessary. It sounds to me as though you're very happy and you know what you want right now.

Sakurami · 25/10/2021 00:47

What people don't get that after a shit relationship, it takes someone amazing for you to even consider rocking what is now a very nice existence.

Enjoy your life op and don't feel pressured into anything.

I have lots of friends who are super happy single..and lots of friends who are unhappy in their relationships.

I now have a great boyfriend but I don't want to live with him or see him more often than I do. Love my life and my free time.

TheChip · 25/10/2021 00:50

I have been single for about 5 years now. Probably would have been a lot longer if I didn't fold under the pressure of people expecting everyone to only be happy in a relationship.
So far, I have found myself at my happiest completely single. Why change it just because others assume I must be unhappy. That says more about them when you think about it, because they could never see themselves happy if they were single. That to me is just sad.

If you are happy as you are, Contin as you are and stuff what other people say.

TheChip · 25/10/2021 00:50

Continue*

ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 01:26

oh your still single and no bf yet?

"I'm great thanks. Are you & Gary still living togther?"

When they - inevitably - look taken aback by the question & start spluttering at you-

"just expressing an interest, exactly like you did. How was my question any different from yours?"

It IS annoying. Like you are missing a vital fashion accessory. Or like the intrusive questioner can't quite fathom that single people are fully functional humans ...

Graphista · 25/10/2021 02:05

Op I have been to all intents and purposes single since splitting from my dds dad when she was tiny and she's now 20!

The 1st 2-3 years after the split I REALLY wasn't interested in dating at all! I'd been too hurt, I had way too much going on (messy divorce, ex showing up drunk and aggro etc
Plus raising dd, initially working full time and then back at uni and working part time etc etc)

I've dated, had a few flings, but really nothing serious ever developed and with hindsight I think that's because I didn't really want it to.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single! People don't question and judge men for being single at any age!

The worst was my mother, it culminated in a huge row because her marriage was abusive for the most part and so I really was pissed off she was banging on at me that I NEEDED to find a man! To "provide a father for dd" and all that bollocks.

I'm afraid I gave her some home truths about her own relationship (although really it wasn't stuff I'd not said before but in a row things do become quite...fiery) and ultimately she backed right off - most of the time.

It wasn't me reacting quickly/over reacting it had been years of every conversation inc "so have you met anyone...nice?" "You need to get yourself back out there" "it's not healthy staying single" "dd needs a man around" bollocks!

A few years later when I told her I was bi she thought I were winding her up! 

Not in a homophobic way but just she thought it was something I would say to fend off the "you need a man" nonsense

@Limeeye I have friends that are child free by choice and also some that are childless NOT by choice but who haven't made that public for their own reasons and I get annoyed on their behalf at some of the questions/comments they get. You have a lot of patience!

@Yummypumpkin yes there seems to be a correlation there actually, the ones that gave me the hardest time were the ones in shit relationships themselves! Perhaps a touch of jealousy?

Relationships are like school or university. It's just not for everyone.

Totally agree!

I don't think committed relationships are for me.

I like dating, I like sex sometimes (less and less fussed as time goes on if I'm honest), but I LOVE living on my own and mostly suiting myself.

@Sakurami yes I think what some who've never been through a split/divorce don't realise is that even if it absolutely is the right thing to do, it's still a hugely emotional process and it takes time to recover from that and process it all.

In my case - and I'm sure others where it was due to infidelity - it can also be very difficult to learn to trust again.

I cried the day my absolute came through, even though it was nearly 3 years after the actual split. My good friend at the time was also divorced but with her she had married v young and had fallen out of love with him and so v much her choice and yet she said she had a wobble that day too - cos nobody gets married or moves in with someone EXPECTING to get divorced/split up!

The one person that DID understand was a relative who's partner had died rather than they split. She totally got that I needed time and space to get my head around everything and see how I felt.

fumfspos · 25/10/2021 14:17

After I split with my ex this woman I know started asking me a month after if I'd met anyone yet. She said you need to get back out there on the horse again. ... wtf....
Said I wasn't interested.
She brings it up from time to time.
She knows I have a friendship going on with this guy I've known for 4 years - we're really good friends and we've been seeing each other a bit more often.
She asked me just the other week why I hadn't moved in with him yet and said "Bloody hell, you two are just soooo slow"

Eh? Our friendship might be turning into something else but yeah it is very slow and the reasons are not just to do with me not wanting something too serious too soon and his health issues.

The worst thing though is that this woman is in the most awful marriage with an alcoholic husband whom she regularly threatens to chuck out if he doesn't change. It just goes on and on. I don't know why she would want to subject me to a relationship like that when I'm happy being single.

TheFoundations · 25/10/2021 14:27

Why is it people see it has a failure if your not in a relationship

Because they've responded like sheep to the training and conditioning offered to them by the people around them and society in general. And they're not even aware of it, which makes them even more sheepy.

Do what makes you happy. Maybe one day you'll fancy having a relationship, maybe you won't.

The general idea that as adults, we all need someone to 'hold our hand' is infantilising. I'd understand the push for us all to have relationships better if people in relationships were generally much happier than singletons, but it's not the case. Relationships, done well, make you happy. Singledom, done well, will make you happy. Either, done badly, will wreck you.

GeidiPrimes · 25/10/2021 14:28

Not weird at all OP, I prefer being single too. I sometimes have nightmares that I've allowed a man to move into my house

While queuing the other day a man made a remark to me about going home to my husband He APOLOGISED when I told him that I'd be going home to my dog. I had to impart the news that in 2021 women can be single and quite pleased about it.

Cas112 · 25/10/2021 14:30

I was single for 7 year and this was my biggest bugbear. If people would ask me I would simply just tell them my happiness didn't depend on having a partner like most peoples. This would make people shut up, its because a lot of people don't know how to make themselves happy so therefor think happiness comes from relationships or that we should aim to be in a relationship which is ridiculous.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

anotherdisaster · 25/10/2021 14:42

I'm also happily single and although my close friends know I'm happy that way, I know others find it 'odd' and often ask me if I'll get back into dating again. Which I find ironic given that very few relationships I know are genuinely happy.

Bluebells34 · 25/10/2021 15:43

You cary on being you. The comments annoys me too - it is like some sort of shame to be single - something so awful but in reality it is their own insecurities - you are a strong independent woman, happy in yourself and raising a child in a busy world.
I was in the same situation as you - its great to be your own boss and invest your time in your little one as time goes so fast. I would hate to be dependent on someone

ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 17:24

@anotherdisaster

I'm also happily single and although my close friends know I'm happy that way, I know others find it 'odd' and often ask me if I'll get back into dating again. Which I find ironic given that very few relationships I know are genuinely happy.
& yet they'd come over all huffy if you casually asked them if they are considering getting back into dating again ... Grin

You know, what with there being different standards set for intrusive questioning from single folk to the more odiously smug coupled.

It's fine for them to quiz you about why you are single.
But the single are not allowed to quiz people on why they are part of a couple, or chivvy them about when they are going to change that 'status' ...