Not sure if i actually fancy him

[AmeliaDearHeart]

I'm looking for some advice, or for some help clarifying my thoughts.
I've been seeing someone for just over a year. It's all been wonderful: he's loving, thoughtful, communicative and all that good stuff. And yet I can't shake the feeling that I should end it with him. A few small things that have made me wonder about how attractive I find him/ whether I respect him. For example, he was out this weekend with some friends. He doesn't do it often and I have no issue with it at all. I don't expect check-ins or anything - it's important to have time with friends. He called me when he got in and was so drunk he could hardly talk. I've not heard from him today because I assume he is sleeping it off but it's been playing on my mind about just what a state he got into. I think it's the lack of self-control that is bothering me (he has a tendency to show off and drink too much to try and impress his mates), and just how very unattractive I find someone that feels the need to do that. Does that make sense? It's a little niggle in my mind but I wonder if it is indicative of something more.

I’d say if it’s been a year and you’re so indifferent one bad phone call has you questioning, then he’s not for you!

It's not just this one call. It's a number of small things that have been building up in my thoughts and making me question things.

End it. Life is too short to be with someone who annoys you.

If you aren't sure it means you don't fancy him. You don't need to seek out reasons or justify it.

If you're questioning it then no, you don't fancy him.

If my partner started a thread titled "not sure I actually fancy her" I'd be like, why are we together then?

Just end it.

Why are you fighting how you feel? Your instincts are screaming at you, yet you continue to ignore your own boundaries and standards. Get rid of this man, he is not the right match for you and you know it.

What other little things are there that you find concerning?

I must admit I'd find it unattractive too if my partner ever got this drunk, especially since we're not 20-somethings anymore.

@JudgementalCactus things like his obsession with facebook, complaining about ex a bit too often.
I've never seen him in this state and found it upsetting and unappealing.
@Aquamarine1029 I find it really hard to trust my instincts, certainly over seemingly small things.

My bf certainly does annoying/silly things and there's definitely times he's made daft decisions that infuriate me. But despite that, I still fancy the pants off him and love him. If, after a year your bf is doing things that give you the 'ick' essentially, then you're just not that into him. If he's already annoying you so much you're questioning if you should be with him, you don't stand a chance of being happy 5-10-20 years down the line when his habits will grate even more.

Always trust your instincts - no.1 rule

[quote AmeliaDearHeart]@JudgementalCactus things like his obsession with facebook, complaining about ex a bit too often.
I've never seen him in this state and found it upsetting and unappealing.
@Aquamarine1029 I find it really hard to trust my instincts, certainly over seemingly small things.[/quote]
I think people are unattractive when they are drunk or hungover. If it's just this that is making you not fancy him, you might be able to get past it. I.e. it's a one off. If you've developed the ick over a few things then it might be harder to come back from.

I leave my BF to it when he's had a boozy weekend as it's not my bag but it is his from time to time and that's fine

Hmmm, both the Facebook and the ex thing might be red flags or might be totally innocent. Only you can tell in the greater context of the relationship.

But usually I would say that the more smitten you are with someone the less likely you are to be bothered by their quirks. The fact you find him annoying might indicate you're just not that into him.

But the alcohol issue I would watch very carefully anyway.

@AmeliaDearHeart

I'm looking for some advice, or for some help clarifying my thoughts. I've been seeing someone for just over a year. It's all been wonderful: he's loving, thoughtful, communicative and all that good stuff. And yet I can't shake the feeling that I should end it with him. A few small things that have made me wonder about how attractive I find him/ whether I respect him. For example, he was out this weekend with some friends. He doesn't do it often and I have no issue with it at all. I don't expect check-ins or anything - it's important to have time with friends. He called me when he got in and was so drunk he could hardly talk. I've not heard from him today because I assume he is sleeping it off but it's been playing on my mind about just what a state he got into. I think it's the lack of self-control that is bothering me (he has a tendency to show off and drink too much to try and impress his mates), and just how very unattractive I find someone that feels the need to do that. Does that make sense? It's a little niggle in my mind but I wonder if it is indicative of something more.

Sounds like you have the "ick" We have all been there!

You don’t need to justify why you don’t want to be with him. If you aren’t happy in the relationship - then break up.

As to his drunk night out - personally I find it a bit controlling. Despite you saying you don’t mind him being out with friends.
I hate when people get drunk, and would have hated if a partner got into that state while we are out together and he knows how I feel.
However - I also realise that on his own, with his friends - it’s not my place to judge. Especially if it’s a rare occasion, not a weekly thing.

I dated a guy for 9 months who drank too much (I'm convinced he was a functioning alcoholic), was obsessed with Facebook and talked about his ex non-stop at the beginning. How I lasted 9 months is beyond me.