How do you know?

seraphinarose · 2021-10-24T16:31:44+00:00

I seem to have a pattern of dating men for around 3 months before ending things. Things that only mildly irritated me previously become much bigger irritations. I also start to think about long term suitably and rule them out for various reasons. I've been single a long time and I can't help but think it's me, that I'm too fussy/look for problems.... How do you know if it's something worth perusing? Is it normal to get irritated and have doubts? Or when someone is a better fit do these things not happen?

Original poster

seraphinarose · 24/10/2021 18:35

Anyone?

OP posts:

nolovelost · 24/10/2021 19:31

I'm the same, I always find problems but then I don't settle. I'm always glad that I followed my gut. I'd been single for a very long time before I met my now boyfriend of 4 months. I'm so glad I sieved through the bad ones to find him.

nolovelost · 24/10/2021 20:51

And by the way, I panicked massively with this new relationship, (I so wanted it to work that I over thought everything). I couldn't eat properly and my sleep was broken, because I couldn't stop thinking about him.

But the major thing for me that made me think it was worth persuing was that he was so patient and understanding if I had an niggles, and put my mind at rest.
I think it's normal to feel like this at the beginning of a relationship after you've been single for a long time especially if you've not been treated right in the past.

The way I've seen it is, I've been right to be picky and with high expectations/boundaries.
I'm sure that you'll meet someone that lives up to your expectations. Don't give up like I nearly did.

faithfulbird20 · 24/10/2021 21:42

Give yourself a pat on the back. I wish I did with my husband but I didn't. It's been miserable since. We're poles apart.

Peach01 · 25/10/2021 00:31

You know it's worth pursuing because you don't have those feelings.
You don't sound too fussy or that you go looking for problems.
It is normal to get irritated and have doubts when somethings not right for you. The reasons I could give you for why I've walked away 😂

There's a reason you're put off someone. Trust it. Don't talk yourself into tolerating it because you feel you should. Doesn't matter if it seems small. When you find someone more suitable they either won't do anything to make you have doubts or there will be a different kind of chemistry where smaller things won't be a big deal.

mrsfollowill · 25/10/2021 00:43

This used to happen to me- 3 months was always a tipping point. When I met DH and we got to 3 months in I got myself quite upset as I thought it would end- I remember it well - he was very rational whilst I was sobbing out of nowhere! and then here we are 27 years later and still together It just means you won't settle until you find the right one as far as I'm concerned. Would never have gone the distance with any of my previous boyfriends.

sunnyzweibrucken · 25/10/2021 01:17

I think everyone should be this way. It would probably save a lot of people from staying in a relationship for too long. I know I wish I’d been more like this when I was younger. Maybe I would’ve met the right one instead of sticking with someone I know isn’t right foe me.

Original poster

seraphinarose · 25/10/2021 18:11

@nolovelost

And by the way, I panicked massively with this new relationship, (I so wanted it to work that I over thought everything). I couldn't eat properly and my sleep was broken, because I couldn't stop thinking about him.

But the major thing for me that made me think it was worth persuing was that he was so patient and understanding if I had an niggles, and put my mind at rest.
I think it's normal to feel like this at the beginning of a relationship after you've been single for a long time especially if you've not been treated right in the past.

The way I've seen it is, I've been right to be picky and with high expectations/boundaries.
I'm sure that you'll meet someone that lives up to your expectations. Don't give up like I nearly did.

Thank you for sharing your experience...

Good to hear positive stories... I hope your relationship continues to progress in the way it has been 😊

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nolovelost · 25/10/2021 18:12

Thank you @seraphinarose I hope so too! Have you found someone that you're keen on?

Original poster

seraphinarose · 25/10/2021 18:12

@Peach01

You know it's worth pursuing because you don't have those feelings. You don't sound too fussy or that you go looking for problems. It is normal to get irritated and have doubts when somethings not right for you. The reasons I could give you for why I've walked away 😂

There's a reason you're put off someone. Trust it. Don't talk yourself into tolerating it because you feel you should. Doesn't matter if it seems small. When you find someone more suitable they either won't do anything to make you have doubts or there will be a different kind of chemistry where smaller things won't be a big deal.

That's what I'm thinking... that the right chemistry will mean things that are mildly irritating usually will seem less so...

Makes a lot of sense

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Original poster

seraphinarose · 25/10/2021 18:14

@nolovelost

Thank you *@seraphinarose* I hope so too! Have you found someone that you're keen on?

No, I just finished with someone after 3 months again and was having a wobble about whether I'm too fussy...

But this thread has provided a bit of much needed clarity

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TomAllenWife · 25/10/2021 18:17

What @Peach01 said

My DP didn't irritate me at all, nothing put me off him, he was and is just perfect to me with all his flaws

I previously ditched people for:
Small teeth
Thin lips
Shit shoes
Home schooler
Anti vaxxer
Etc etc

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2021 18:22

I wish more people were more discriminating. That being said, it is possible to be too picky and inflexible, which would make having a long term relationship nearly impossible. What kind of things have been putting you off?

Original poster

seraphinarose · 25/10/2021 19:01

@Aquamarine1029

I wish more people were more discriminating. That being said, it is possible to be too picky and inflexible, which would make having a long term relationship nearly impossible. What kind of things have been putting you off?

That's what I'm kind of trying to figure out... If I'm good picky or Nobody is ever good enough picky...

Things that have put me off in the past

Too negative/ moany
Lack of direction/ambition (but not happy with what they have)
Bad dress sense
Getting too comfortable too quickly
Nothing to talk about after a couple of months

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/10/2021 19:33

The relationships I've had that have ended have all had little issues you overlook from the start. The only one that hasn't happened in is my current one - absolutely nothing, nothing at all, is worrying or irritating or niggling. We've not been together long (5 months) but I have a good feeling about him..!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2021 20:11

Things that have put me off in the past

Too negative/ moany
Lack of direction/ambition (but not happy with what they have)
Bad dress sense
Getting too comfortable too quickly
Nothing to talk about after a couple of months

All of these are "good picky" to me.

TheFoundations · 25/10/2021 21:35

There's no right or wrong to how picky you're meant to be, and your goal is to be happy and peaceful, so even if you were wrong to be this picky, what would you do about it? Stay with someone who irritated you, in order to try to correct your pickiness?

Are you really going to say in 50 years 'I'm so glad I put up with all the daily irritations of being with this intensely annoying man. I feel like I really did well on choosing the level of pickiness I should exhibit!'

I think you need to question why you're looking for a relationship. Is it because you want to get something 'right' (in a world where there are no rules regarding our emotional lives), or is it because you want to meet somebody, and love every minute you spend with them?

Your niggles and irritations are a manifestation of your boundaries. Uphold them; respect them. They are a demonstration of the real you, the nature of you. If you don't respect that, and choose instead to be with someone who gets on your nerves, you'll let yourself in for a lot of annoyance in the future.

Original poster

seraphinarose · 25/10/2021 22:23

@TheFoundations

There's no right or wrong to how picky you're meant to be, and your goal is to be happy and peaceful, so even if you were wrong to be this picky, what would you do about it? Stay with someone who irritated you, in order to try to correct your pickiness?

Are you really going to say in 50 years 'I'm so glad I put up with all the daily irritations of being with this intensely annoying man. I feel like I really did well on choosing the level of pickiness I should exhibit!'

I think you need to question why you're looking for a relationship. Is it because you want to get something 'right' (in a world where there are no rules regarding our emotional lives), or is it because you want to meet somebody, and love every minute you spend with them?

Your niggles and irritations are a manifestation of your boundaries. Uphold them; respect them. They are a demonstration of the real you, the nature of you. If you don't respect that, and choose instead to be with someone who gets on your nerves, you'll let yourself in for a lot of annoyance in the future.

Thank you... that makes a lot of sense.

Screen shot it to refer back to for when I doubt myself and my pickiness.

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