I've been in a relationship for 13 years, married for 10. I came from an abusive (physically and emotionally) single parent family, which is only relevant because it made the relationship behaviour totally normal behaviour for me.
DH (less of the D, but using it for short) appeared to take care of me when we met, and later. A friend said "It's like he's just scooped you up". I had to conform though. He would want me to go to bed - sleep, not sex - with him (when I wasn't tired) and he'd get sad if I didn't. He wanted me to eat certain foods and would get upset if I ate unhealthy things (I was fit, health-conscious and slim but I'd allow myself cakes at times). When I say "upset" I mean sad and hurt, puppy-dog eyes and hurt voice. He was never aggressive or threatening.
Over time, I used to say that I was allowed to think or do anything, as long as he agreed to/with it or understood it.
He withheld sex for long periods of time (months) because he said he didn't feel able to be intimate with me when I was not greeting him properly when he came home, for example. Again, said in a sad way. And he'd say that he wanted sex, he just couldn't while I didn't make him feel welcome etc. I was working when he got home and would finish what I was doing before getting up. I'd say hello though, but I'd stay sitting.
He would also do things like walk out of the room when I talked - literally just turn his back and walk out while I was mid-sentence talking to him like he was stone deaf. He'd talk over me like I literally wasn't talking, starting a new topic. He'd deny having conversations with me. He was very socially awkward, especially with new people.
It turned out he had Aspergers (on the autism spectrum nowadays). This diagnosis came from a clinical psychologist.
What happened then was that a lot of these behaviours were seen as a manifestation of his need to control his situation because he was working in fast-paced, risky environments, abroad. I had a few therapists myself and each agreed that these behaviours were in no way abusive, they were just manifestations of his condition. The fact that once he was diagnosed he made zero attempt to understand why I might see things differently or to understand his way of thinking/condition wasn't ever a factor. He had a condition and I was "NT" so I needed to adapt to him. By the time of the diagnosis there was virtually nothing else to adapt; there was little of me left.
There were issues with finances too, where his father was on our joint bank account so could see all my spending. I wasn't able to work due to international relocations and pregnancies, and his income would come in our joint account..which I had no direct access to for a very long time because it was in another country and I didn't understand the language. It felt humiliating but whenever I tried to discuss it, he ignored me or told me I was making a problem where there wasn't one, attacking him for no reason, being unfair to him or deliberately thinking badly of him.
I had my own issues relating to previous trauma so I went to trauma therapy and took responsibility of getting over them. After revisiting some of the most awful things in my life through EMDR, I wasn't allowed to be down at home, because he didn't like it if I wasn't "normal". I couldn't even mention the sessions. I just had to pretend nothing was happening. I wasn't allowed to be too happy about things either. I had to stay in a narrow bandwidth of emotion so he wouldn't get irritated.
He wouldn't hug me unless I asked, and would let go asap. I got pregnant twice and in each pregnancy he barely touched me - I mean literally, in the second pregnancy he touched my belly once before 8 months.
And this gets to the next part. ALL these behaviours have been behind closed doors. EVERYBODY thinks he's the nicest guy. So kind, taken care of me, supported me. None of the people who know about the diagnosis were shocked by it, they'd noticed some socially odd behaviours, but nothing controlling. When he touched my belly at 8 months in that second pregnancy, it was at dinner with four of his friends and done very overtly. I actually jumped from the shock of it and I had some kind of shocked face. One of them told me later that they were amazed he put up with me being so horrible to him, because he wouldn't have stayed with someone who treated him the way I do DH. It has looked like I was disgusted, not shocked, apparently.
There is a whole lot more, much of which involves gaslighting and more withdrawal of affection abd absolutely zero empathy for me when I've gone through hard things and being exceptionally careful with my tone of voice and choice of words, belittling me directly and to others (with more subtlety) and refusing me access to childcare so I could study more quickly.
All this time I've been told his behaviour isn't abusive, it's a symptom of his condition. What that means is that if I have a response to it as though I was suffering from abusive behaviours, that there's something wrong with me. I've also been called "ablest" for complaining about how hard I found it.
Over time I've become a shell of who I was. I've lost all my confidence, most of my friends, I've put on a lot of weight, I've extremely unfit. I don't trust my judgement on a lot of things and I feel that there's no point in being alive, other than protecting my kids (I'm not actively suicidal, I just have no life really).
As we've moved a few times, nobody I'm around now knows the bright, courageous, energetic person I used to be.
A week ago a different therapist told me DH has controlling behaviours and she believes that he's been controlling all aspects of my life. Nobody has ever said that before, but I realised it's true. There's no area of my life he hasn't been controlling at some point - admittedly the focus of which area shifts over time.
I have told a couple of good friends this. That regardless of why he's behaving the way he is, he's been controlling me and still is and it's been very damaging to me. The response has been "yeah, but he can't help it".
Honestly, it's been hard enough to deal with the fact that few people can believe that anybody walks away from you while you're talking on a consistent basis, never mind how that makes you feel, year after year. Nor that he wouldn't touch me and wouldn't have sex with me, wouldn't ask how I was and wouldn't take care of me when I was ill (literally not even an offer of a glass of water when I was in bed for 2 weeks), because he's always so attentive to others. But I came to terms with it. I don't know how I can deal with the few people who did believe me now not believing that his behaviour can be called "controlling" or that it could have basically broken me. It's SO lonely in my home and it's lonely in a world where nobody believes that he's so different at home. I don't want to feel even more lonely in this.
[A little disclaimer is that I'm not wallowing in self-pity here, as soon as I was told there was a name for the behaviours I've been reading about it and the patterns fit like a glove - which is helpful because it helps know that I'm not crazy and helps me figure out how to move on.]