Desperately sad

[Desperatelysad12]

I have recently come out of a long and somewhat emotionally abusive marriage. My ex refused to have sex for the last ten years of the marriage, leaving my self esteem through the floor. It was a desperately sad and lonely time. Following the separation I’ve been craving sex and intimacy and joined online dating sites to try and fill this need. I’m not looking for a relationship but it seems to be impossible to even find someone to have no strings sex with! Even when making my intentions clear I just keep getting rejected i think I am fairly young and attractive but I feel utterly repellent to men and it’s devastating. Everyone talks about the hook up culture and how easy it is for women to find a sexual partner, but I can’t even manage to do that! Has anyone been in this situation, or have any advice?

I don't know the answer. Maybe men on those sites can't cope with the concept that a woman might want no strings attached sex. I wonder if they think it's a cunning bluff on your part to hook a man. It seems a fair proportion of men work the reverse of that bluff...

But reading your post it struck me that maybe your self-esteem could do with a little self-love before you embark on your quest and then you might find not just sexual intimacy but perhaps something more.

And maybe, if you haven't already done so, look into some counselling to help unpick the after-effects of having spent so long in an abusive relationship (such as low self-esteem).

You say you crave intimacy but do you thing that maybe what you actually might crave is a loving relationship with the intimacy that comes with that?

I am far from expert - you can probably tell...

Thank you so much for your reply. What you have said has really struck a chord with me. To be honest i think I have underestimated the damage caused by my previous relationship. You may be right that I need to address that before I try to move on. I feel like I want to feel desired, sexy, worthwhile after so many years feeling quite frankly dead inside. I thought maybe some casual hook ups could help with that, just to feel something- any attention after years of nothing. But I do wonder if perhaps that isn’t the way forward right now. I just feel so sad to have found myself in this situation.

'*Think' not 'thing'.

I’m not sure if you do want casual sex. Not really. You need to feel loved and wanted - I suspect even if you did find someone to have sex with you’d end up developing feelings for them and being hurt if they didn’t want more than a fuck buddy. I think you should keep going with the online dating but be brutal about who you’d like to meet / block and delete those who aren’t great and also try and love yourself a bit more.

Can't you actually go out and meet people face to face? Then you know immediately whether you like them or not, rather than taking a chance with OLD. And they'll know as well, rather than assuming you're some desperate woman who's beneath their notice

OP you are me last year, out of a lonely abusive marriage and I was OLD to try and find 'something'. I had some no strings encounters which led to me feeling awful! Depressed and a bit suicidal if I'm honest. I too faced a great deal of rejection from men that looking back weren't good enough to wipe my feet on.

I now wont have sex again until I find something genuine. I'm not saying to not have casual sex but honestly it led to me feeling worse than I did before and lowered my self esteem even more. There's a lot of predatory men OLD so just be a bit careful.

Speaking from my crap relationship experience and pondering the future... I wondered whether I'd need proverbial 'balls of steel' to embark on the route you contemplate. I'd certainly need to feel a lot better about myself to pull it off without risking regret and potentially further damaging my already flaky self-esteem. It's so hard to know, isn't it?

I suspect I project the vibe of a woman with low self-esteem and other issues.
So I'm not sure that wouldn't just attract the worst sort of man for no-string hook-ups. 'Love your self and know your worth' is the best advice I've been given. Along with 'Give yourself some time'.

It might be easier to find casual sex online if you say you’re looking for a relationship or dating. People often end up in flexible relationships or friends with benefits situations if a full on relationship doesn’t work out.

Thank you all. I think I needed to hear this. I’ve been trying to adopt a persona on OLD of what I suppose I’ve always wanted to be- sexually confident, fun, confident in myself. Whereas inside I’m just sad. Perhaps that comes across. I’m only in my early 40s and I feel like I’ve wasted my best years feeling dead inside. Perhaps that’s why I suddenly feel in such a rush.

Dillydolly- I would love to meet someone face to face! But it just seems impossible, it feels like the apps are my only option.

Mermaidwaves- I’m sorry you went through this too. I fear I am in danger of making my self esteem even worse by going down this route too.

“Even when making my intentions clear I just keep getting rejected”.

I’m not sure exactly what’s going wrong with your OLD process but it’s something to do with this. Just make a nice honest profile and say you’re looking for fun times. Chat to people and if there’s a connection it will naturally lead to meeting up. If there’s chemistry between you and a few drinks to break the ice then it will naturally lead to sex. Have fun! There’s no need to be explicit about what you want in advance or to feel rejected about a situation that also needs to arise organically. Can’t force these things.

If you're really looking for hook ups then make a profile on fab swingers. Much more straightforward.

Do NOT join fab.

Be careful with old when you feel like you do. It'll batter you. Allow yourself a little time to heal and then join a proper dating site, and do not say you're looking for hook ups. You'll attract the worst of the worst.

Thank you, I think you may be right. I spent 10 years being rejected- perhaps opening myself up to yet more rejection isn’t the way forward.

OP again I was like you, projecting an image of myself as a bit mindy, a side of myself I wanted to explore. But looking back it attracted the worst sort of man and like a PP says, I think I gave off desperate vibes, I just wanted to find someone to.give me that something that I crave. Deep.down I know its genuine love and affection but I see that as an unattainable goal.

I really do empathise OP

*minxy not Mindy!

You are 'desperately sad' I think if your self esteem is low then having hooks ups won't help. A short term 'fix' but you are still left with yourself to sort out and to come to terms with the 10 years of rejection. . Genuine love and affection will be attainable once you have practiced self care. Maybe you can have 'fun' or try it, you'll soon know if it is for you.

Thanks again for your comments. It has been really helpful to have another perspective on things and I have even taken steps to look into possibly getting some therapy today. I think there is a lot I have to work on before I just make my situation worse!

@Mermaidwaves

OP again I was like you, projecting an image of myself as a bit mindy, a side of myself I wanted to explore. But looking back it attracted the worst sort of man and like a PP says, I think I gave off desperate vibes, I just wanted to find someone to.give me that something that I crave. Deep.down I know its genuine love and affection but I see that as an unattainable goal.

I really do empathise OP

I hope you find what you are looking for mermaid- it sounds like we are in similar situations

Men like the chase. Even for hook ups.

Stop being so ‘forward’, make a nice profile which says you want to meet someone to have fun with and go on some dates.

If there is chemistry, that will lead to sex.

Chasing men never ends well