Hi,
I'm just looking for some advice with how to move forward. I ended my relationship last year due to my ex's behaviour which had got increasingly bad during the pandemic. I did initially report to the police and get support from domestic abuse services however they then started working with him on a behaviour change programme and I felt uncomfortable continuing with the police process as I believed he was trying his best to change and, despite all the things he'd done wrong, he'd also helped me a lot so I felt guilty getting him charged. I would still speak to him occasionally when I didn't have my children and he would chat about his progress on the course. He respected we weren't going to be together but said he wanted to be a good friend and make up for the things he'd done. This was OK at first and he seemed to have totally changed but gradually he's become more controlling. I feel there is no option but to go completely no contact but I'm worried he will react badly and I don't want my children getting caught up in it. They haven't seen him at all this year so I don't even want the risk of him coming near my house as they would be confused and upset after so long of him being gone. They were both unhappy when he left and its taken a lot of love and time connecting with them to reduce their anger towards me. They only saw him as someone who bought them all this nice stuff and bought mummy flowers etc so to them I was the bad person for making him leave. I know this could all have been avoided if I'd gone no contact and stuck with the police process initially. I massively regret this now as I feel I can't involve the police again as they will judge me for this. What can I do? Would a non-mol order work?
To give a brief overview of the history I met him a few years ago. Looking back there were red flags but he was great with my children and my children and his bonded very quickly. There were times where I'd catch him looking through my phone or he'd accuse me of things I had not done. One time he ripped my trousers off and demanded to smell between my legs because I was 10 minutes late visiting him and he was convinced I'd had sex with someone else on the way over. When I'd pull him up on this he'd smooth things over with gifts for my children, promising them things etc. I felt trapped because he was so nice to them but different to me when they were not around. A few weeks later he grabbed me around the throat and chucked me into the wall. I was confused and contacted his ex who he had been with for a decade. She was shocked and said he'd never behaved badly towards her. This made me feel even more sure it was my fault.
Eventually it came to light he was using drugs regularly and this was linked to his erratic behaviour. Soon after he was arrested for strangling me and making threats to kill me in front of several witnesses. I didn't give a statement and the police dropped the case. There were similar threats to kill whilst he was driving dangerously. What I didn't realise initially was how much he'd been controlling me. He would message other women whilst sat next to me, then tell me it was in my head and I needed psychiatric help. He would choke me in bed and then tell me I'd loved it afterwards etc. In public he would often treat me very nicely. He is very well liked around where we live and I thought even if he was convicted everyone would still blame me and support him.
The problem is now I just want to live my life with my children and continue with counselling and domestic abuse support etc but he threatens to kill himself if I wont go to see him when my children aren't with me. My child free time each week is always ruined. I have even tried sitting at home with all the lights off, doors locked etc but its making me unhappy. I've had suicide letters posted through my door, friends of his contacting pleading with me to go and see him etc. I want to be able to go out with friends but I know if I do and he finds out he will turn up and cause upset for everyone. He says the domestic abuse support worker is brainwashing me and one day I'll realise how much he loved me and will have thrown everything away because of a 'man-hating bitch' who is trying to control me. On good days I can see he's trying to wear me down but on bad days I feel completely lost and unable to see a way forward. I know I can cope fine without him as I'm on my own all week every week with my children. Its just this same pattern at weekends that's wearing me out and stopping me moving forward. I think everyone thinks there is no problem as he's been on this course for quite some time and they feel he's made lots of progress. I have tried phasing him out to avoid a big dramatic reaction on his part but it doesn't work.