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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Walking on eggshells all the time

8 replies

LeBridge · 24/10/2021 12:05

I have come to feel very anxious around my dd who is currently living away from me. Anything I say that is construed as wrong in her or her dad's eyes and I'm told I won't see her again. I can't say anything right. I'm told I'm controlling for wanting to know what time she is visiting. They both say she'll run away and put herself at risk if I insist on her seeing me. She's 14 and appears to have become her abusive dad's puppet. She says similar things to what he did when we were together and echoes what he says now. She won't accept any boundaries and that's why she's not living with me. She does as she pleases at her dad's. He's not there much and she can do what she wants and doesn't have to consider anyone else. He says I've caused her untold emotional harm. He was abusive to me in every possible way and thankfully had an affair and left many years ago. He has had more dc since then and is not with their mother now but lived with her for years. He sees his other dc once a week. He's now with someone else. His only way of getting to me is through Dd and she has learnt to play the part perfectly. I feel so lost and like I've lost my daughter for good.
I don't know what I want from posting I'm just so sad today as there seems no end in sight.

OP posts:
LeBridge · 24/10/2021 13:38

Does any one have any advice about how to cope or deal with this?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 24/10/2021 14:13

Keep the visits bland and

category12 · 24/10/2021 14:14

Oh god, this must be so hard for you Flowers.

I think all you can do is keep a door open to your dd - tell her you love her and will always be there for her, but don't engage with any of the mind-games.

Is she able to visit you on her own steam, if she wanted to? Ie do you live within public transport/walking reach of her school? If so, I would just say to her that she can visit you whenever she feels she wants to, and you will be available at her contact times. (If she doesn't have a set contact time, give her a couple of evenings where you'll be in each week).

Limit all contact with him. Kind of broken record for her "I love you and when you want to see me, I'll be here".

Hopefully as she gets older, she'll start to see through what he's doing (and to be fair to her, she's probably doing what she's doing to keep him on side and "safe" to be around).

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 24/10/2021 14:15

Keep the visits bland and uncombative. Cook a nice dinner? Watch a movie, talk about school or current affairs, nothing personal. Agree with her where appropriate. It'll pass.

LeBridge · 24/10/2021 15:30

She tries her best to rile me and I refuse to rise to it. If I say anything nice to her it's deemed manipulation to try and get her to come back home. No matter what I say or do I'm in the wrong. I'm so tired of it. It's been over a year now.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/10/2021 15:43

You're doing the right thing by not rising to it. To those sort of accusations, just say "of course I'd like you to come home, but it's your choice".

Just stay consistent.

Have you got any support?

LeBridge · 24/10/2021 16:09

Not really, no. Legally she lives with me but won't stick to the court order and her dad won't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Except when she was refusing to see him and I had to make her go of course Hmm what she says goes because he doesn't want to ever say no to her and of course it means my life is made hell without him having to do anything directly.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 24/10/2021 16:16

To be fair, a lot of this is obnoxious teenage behaviour anyway, regardless of the divorce although I appreciate that doesn't help things.

I think as people have said, try not to engage, agree with her wherever possible because this will take the wind right out of her sails. Be really bland.

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