Ex is bad mouthing me to the kids

[Leanne1191]

Hi,

So I split with my ex last July, it wasn't a very nice split either, he cheated on me and lied for months about it after, saying it was my fault I made him miserable, we shouldn't of got married etc all I did was nag and all this bullshit.
We've been to court he got what he wanted in regards to having our children he also don't pay me a penny and hasn't done for a year, and we are now divorced.

Every time he has our children he can't help but slate me infront of them, he says I was nothing but lazy and just a housewife and how I won't find anyone else etc.... he's been telling our children some shitty things and it's not nice. I don't slate him infront of the kids anymore and haven't done for ages to be honest with you I don't slate him at all considering what he put me through. My eldest told me last night that his two brothers talk to him about their time with their dad every other weekend and how he says nasty stuff about me all the time but they won't tell me because they think it will upset me and stuff.

I don't get why he is still slating me? It's been over a year now and he needs to stop this I'm not very happy he's doing this infront of the kids either because they don't need to hear it? Plus he's the one who decided to sleep with someone else and live with her now? Surely me being so horrendous he would be happy and living his best new life with her? I don't know what to do about it all because I don't want the kids to think my eldest isn't trust worthy to talk to because obviously I want them to be able to talk if they feel uncomfortable ? I've heard a lot about the kids saying how he calls me a c* and I'm this and I'm that? I don't get what his problem is?

The fact that they don't want to tell you shows that they protect you. They will know it's all crap and that it says more about him than you. How old are they?

@Kabakofte

The fact that they don't want to tell you shows that they protect you. They will know it's all crap and that it says more about him than you. How old are they?

8 and 5 it's just so wrong though why do that? Especially infront of the kids, I don't even have any contact with him either he goes through my mum? I don't call or text him or anything?

Being a sh*t during a marriage just doesn't seem to be enough for some people, they need to continue afterwards as well. I'm not sure there's much you can do other than your actions towards them, as a mother, kindness, love, time etc will reinforce and demonstrate what a good person you are. They will also see how other people are with you and know that their dad talks bullshit (though this is a hard lesson). It's frustrating because you want to say to that person that they are damaging their relationship with the kids not yours but you can't. My ex would say crap about my now husband and the kids found it tough, they are sorry that they listened to him, but interestingly they didn't listen to any crap he said about me. Give them a journal that they can write stuff in, sometimes kids won't speak but they'll write stuff down. Say that they can put anything in there and if they then want to share it they can but they don't have to, it's a way of just relieving them of carrying those comments around.

@Kabakofte

Being a sh*t during a marriage just doesn't seem to be enough for some people, they need to continue afterwards as well. I'm not sure there's much you can do other than your actions towards them, as a mother, kindness, love, time etc will reinforce and demonstrate what a good person you are. They will also see how other people are with you and know that their dad talks bullshit (though this is a hard lesson). It's frustrating because you want to say to that person that they are damaging their relationship with the kids not yours but you can't. My ex would say crap about my now husband and the kids found it tough, they are sorry that they listened to him, but interestingly they didn't listen to any crap he said about me. Give them a journal that they can write stuff in, sometimes kids won't speak but they'll write stuff down. Say that they can put anything in there and if they then want to share it they can but they don't have to, it's a way of just relieving them of carrying those comments around.

It's just awful because even though everything that happened was his fault he blames me continuously for it? He has to tell everyone this and he says what a shit mum I was and I was lazy and I did nothing and how he was miserable and forced into marrying me and I'm just like what the fuck? Now he's carrying on but because he can't get to me in person he's saying it to the kids and infront of them? Does he not realise that the kids will see through all his bullshit and will eventually not want to see him and spend time with him? He's damaging them and he is acting very childish with this behaviour, the kids don't need to hear all the crap that comes out of his mouth. Just makes me so angry that he still has to continue this vendetta against me when he was the cause of everything that has happened? Just fucking boring lol

What you're describing here is the mindset of an abusive man. These men HATE women and ALL of them. Its always someone else's fault too, never their own. He does this because he can and feels absolutely entitled to do so, after all he hates women.

On a wider level why is he not paying any financial maintenance for his children?. I would talk to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women about him actually seeing the children at all; he is using them as weapons against you.

"We've been to court he got what he wanted in regards to having our children he also don't pay me a penny and hasn't done for a year, and we are now divorced".

What did he get access wise?.

I would absolutely start a CMS claim against him for his children as well.

Can you not say you will stop visiting rights if he continues this?

It's really not healthy for the children and obviously making them uncomfortable as they are listening to all if this and trying to hide it from you.

It's cruel and wrong I feel for you

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What you're describing here is the mindset of an abusive man. These men HATE women and ALL of them. Its always someone else's fault too, never their own. He does this because he can and feels absolutely entitled to do so, after all he hates women.

On a wider level why is he not paying any financial maintenance for his children?. I would talk to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women about him actually seeing the children at all; he is using them as weapons against you.

He's not paying maintenance because he has lied about his income and somehow hidden what he is earning, he also changed his surname by deed poll to avoid CSA he's also self employed and has been able to hide income very easily again it's another level of control by not paying me a penny, he also wanted to see the kids every other weekend Friday to the Sunday which he got and it's now in writing. It's all been about what he wants etc always has been.

@mrsbitaly

Can you not say you will stop visiting rights if he continues this?

It's really not healthy for the children and obviously making them uncomfortable as they are listening to all if this and trying to hide it from you.

It's cruel and wrong I feel for you

I'm going to have to speak to my solicitor about this because it's not nice hearing that my children are hearing this crap. It's not healthy for them and it's actually worrying me.

Is the contact court ordered?

Just ignore him. You won’t be able to stop him.

@Bigeggsinapackoften

Is the contact court ordered?

Just ignore him. You won’t be able to stop him.

Yeah it's all been finalised

Ask your solicitor if this constitutes parental alienation?

While you investigate your options, focus on modelling good behaviour to your DC. You’re already doing this by not badmouthing their dad but extend it by talking to them about other examples using their friends etc. reminding them it’s not nice to talk about other people behind their backs, that if there is a problem then the best way to deal with it is to speak to the person concerned and leave other people out if it etc. they are with you the majority of the time so you can teach them how to behave. They will realise he’s not behaving well.

@Rainbowqueeen

While you investigate your options, focus on modelling good behaviour to your DC. You’re already doing this by not badmouthing their dad but extend it by talking to them about other examples using their friends etc. reminding them it’s not nice to talk about other people behind their backs, that if there is a problem then the best way to deal with it is to speak to the person concerned and leave other people out if it etc. they are with you the majority of the time so you can teach them how to behave. They will realise he’s not behaving well.

I have been, I tell the kids it's not nice to say things about people and take the mick, I always tell them if they have a problem to talk about it. I've always said too not to hit people and be violent.

My ex knows this too so I don't get why he is doing all this, he also undermines me, he knows they have routines for bed and they are not allowed to watch YouTube and stuff yet when they are with him he lets them on YouTube and lets them stay up really late. He knows they go to bed at half 7 and he knows they get really fatty when they sleep late. When we was together we banned YouTube from the house so all this is just really pathetic and boring.

He also stays with them at his step dads because he lives over 5 hours away! Which I think is bad because they need their own beds and room which he should be providing. It's not my fault that he has to travel over 5 hours to see them that was his doing.

But as per usual it's all my fault 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

@category12

Ask your solicitor if this constitutes parental alienation?

I will do, I'll be ringing her tomorrow and asking about all this because it's worrying and they've already been through so much regarding our marriage break up.