Emotionally abusive husband accusing me

[Noideasforanewname]

It has taken me a year of therapy to realise my husband is emotionally abusive. I have recently started standing up for myself a bit more and he is now saying I am bully and am abusive and he needs to stand up to me to set an example to our children that they should not put up with bullying.

At a counselling session he said that the problem is that I am abusing him because of my temper. It is true that I have occasionally shouted at him after being ignored and long periods of the silent treatment, but I try so hard to make him happy, I'm constantly walking on eggshells. He says that just because it isn't physically my abuse of him should not be tolerated. I just feel so confused.

I'm absolutely terrified. I am preparing to leave, but now I'm so scared that no one is going to believe me that I'm not abusing him and it isn't all my fault and I'm going to lose my children. Does anyone have any advice? I honestly feel crushed. Please help.

@Noideasforanewname I'm sorry you are going through this. I suffer emotional abuse too , and am making plans to leave safely (or rather, make him leave) hopefully in the coming weeks. I think it helps to save text messages from him, keep diary entries where you log any abusive/unreasonable behaviour, I was also advised to speak to my GP which I found very difficult but did do in the end. Apparently it'll all help you when it comes to court. Give women's aid a call or use the chat, it'll really help to get your thoughts in a row and make a plan of action. Good luck to you, feel free to PM me if ever you want to talk - another MNer did the same for me and it feels good to talk to people who know what you're going through. Take care X

I just feel so confused

I just wanted to say that this is exactly how he wants you to feel. It is not you!! The rising anger you feel is normal. You're being emotionally abused and obviously he's a narcissist and is doing everything in his power to make you look bad.
You're a good person and in my opinion counselling won't work. You need to leave him. I'm sorry.

Whose idea was it re the joint counselling?.

He is doing a bang up job on you re giving you spaghetti head; feeling like you do now is his intention.

Do not attend any more joint counselling sessions; these are never recommended anyway where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. What your H is doing is projecting his own self onto you; its not you its him. I would also think he is manipulating the counsellor into siding with him; such men are really master manipulators.

As well as your GP I would urge you to also reach out to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. This man is not going to make any aspect of separation and divorcing him at all easy for you and he will continue to remain abusive towards you after you've left. But this does not mean to say you should not leave because you absolutely should leave him. Re the children I would push for supervised access at a contact centre. No informal arrangements should be made between you two and I would not enter mediation with him either.

Sending a 🤗

It sounds like he is projecting.
Abusers are good at twisting things to make you think its you.

My exh still does this to me every few weeks abt the kids. But then it becomes about him.

You do need to take the dc and leave.

Have you been to a solicitor for advice. You can call Womens aid also for support.

Get support and a plan in place.

Take one step at a time. One day at a time.

Thank you all so much.

He won't speak to me and suggested he might be willing to talk to me with a counsellor there, so I arranged it. Oddly in the session he denied he had suggested it.

Thanks for listening.

@Noideasforanewname

This behaviour is common from abusive partners.

During my divorce my now exh suggested me and dc stayed living in the house and could I tell my solicitor. When I did she asked me to tell him to put it in writing. He then told me he had never said that and wondered where the hell I got the idea from.

Anyone who knows about domestic abuse and emotional abuse will know that what your dh is doing is classic abusive tactics. They will believe you, it's very common.

Keep going, read about abuse if you can without him knowing, it will help you detach your feelings and be able to see what he is doing more objectively.

Keep posting if you can do so safely.

You need to stop the joint counselling with him. If you can make preparations to leave sooner rather than later then do. You won’t lose your children

Keep a log of what happens.

Don’t shout, he wants you to react. Remain cool as a cucumber and pack your bags