Help with leaving

[yellowpigeons]

Hi I've posted a few times. I'm in an abusive marriage and have finally realised I need to leave. Mostly emotional abuse but historically a few violent things.

I am really scared and also really worn down by the abuse. I have chronic pain now caused by this (that I think will go if he goes) and also low self esteem, and a kind of thick lethargy that I can't shake off. He is suffocating me.

We have two kids, rent a house. I really need advice on how best to do it. I can't think straight at all. With a normal partner I'd just sit at the table and say 'It's over' and work out how to afford a flat for everyone, but not with him. I can't predict what he'd do but I know it will be horrible. Can anyone help me? What's the best way to do it?

Get in touch with local domestic abuse services and let them help you make your exit plan.

First off, good on you for making the decision to break free.

Who's name is on the lease? And if its both,whos account does the cash come from? Is it council or private?

Hi it's private and he pays most of it. It has been a very bad time and my earnings have reduced to nearly nothing while his have grown x10.

I would seek legal advice re divorce asap as well as contacting Womens Aid. Your exit from this abusive marriage indeed needs to be planned out with due care and attention.

How do you manage day to day re money?. Is he using money as a further means of control?. Is he controlling your access to funds?.

If your name is not on the lease then at least will be no drama in that respect to leave. Just make sure to cancel any bills in your name before yo go too (or take your paper work so u can cancel once out). If your name is on the lease but the money comes from his account its worth talking with the estate agents to see if they can just take you off it.

Speak with citizens advice and find out what benefits you would be entitled to.

Do you have supportive friends or family? Ones that will be supportive when you leave him?

Yes, my name is on the lease but I am cautious about just suddenly uprooting the children, who are old enough to be traumatised by a sudden removal. In fact I am worried about the children full stop. What if he plans to take them away for half term after we've separated. He is a neglectful drinker with unstable temperament. I'd hate for them to have to endure him alone.

But they'd have a safe place to come back to with you, and an example of a proper loving family home with you.

Currently you're all enduring him all the time and by staying, you're showing this way of living should be tolerated and is normal. Do you really want this as their model of relationships?

At least if you split, you'll be able to provide an antidote to his toxicity.

Maybe. I do not know how to say I'm leaving and follow through with it in the face of the inevitable response he will have.

Don't start by telling him. Start by making your exit plan and following through. Telling him comes when everything is set.

I mean, you don't leave a job by saying to your employer "this job is awful and I want to leave" - instead you put together your CV, apply for jobs and when you've got one, then you give notice.

I think I would need him to comply with splitting the funds we have to get a flat

But it's things like talking to a solicitor, talking to a domestic abuse support worker, understanding what your options are and how you want to move forward that you can do to gain the knowledge and confidence that will empower you. You need people on your side and an exit plan.

It may be that he should be the one to move out.

Ok, thanks. I’ve already opened up to friends and got an excellent therapist.

I mean by that you’re right, I’ll carry on moving forwards

I suppose I just meant does anyone know the feeling of having hit rock bottom with health and emotional strength and self esteem, and then having to do such a hard thing as this and go up against the most frightening person in your life— it seems unfathomably hard

I have no words of wisdom but I wish you luck

Thanks, I'll need it!