I became confident. DH disconnected.

[L0stinCyberspace]

Apologies - I've been posting a lot about my marriage issues and DH recently. Trying to make sense of what's been happening between us for years.

It suddenly hit me that around the time our marriage became sexless, I'd become confident and was achieving more in my hobbies and work. My health also greatly improved due to better meds for my autoimmune condition.

DH is not conscious that this is the reason he put a distance between us but I suspect this was a subconscious reaction. We are in couples counselling but I'm so sad. There's no going back to lacking self confidence like I was previously, so is there any way forward?

Nobody can probably answer this really. Just feeling very alone and unsettled by that's happening and I'd appreciate any insights or advice.

I'm a little confused.

Who stopped wanting sex, you or your husband.?

Do you mean that when you started to become more self confident, he lost interest?

That's so odd!

Sorta speaks volumes too if he preferred you run down and always available. Is it possible he withholds sex in order to make you feel unloved? As a way to bring you down again. This is a common move from narcissistic sorts.

I think a partner should lift you up and encourage you to shine. Not drag you down and punish you when you do.

Perhaps this relationship has ran its course.

@Onthedunes sorry, he stopped initiating sex mostly. We probably only had sex about 15 times in the last 7 years. He doesn't seem too bothered about this.

@Pinkbonbon yes, that is what happened. He was outwardly very supportive and proud of me, but he disconnected emotionally and sexually from me. He insists he loves me deeply and sees little wrong with a sexless marriage. I don't honestly know what to do, or think.

That sounds very difficult for you.

Could he be suffering with depression, does he have his own health issues?

Do you wnat your sex life to resume and do you want to stay with him?

How long have you been together?

I understand what you are getting at, OP - he is the 'carer' type who thrives on supporting and caring for the 'weaker' partner, such people are usually a 'rock' for their friends too.
He may not even want to feel like he does so he is outwardly supportive of your newly strong self, but emotionally this doesn't touch or 'melt' him in the way when he had to show a lot of support. It's great he wants to do counselling as he probably unable to deal with this irrational sort of change in him. But I've seen this happen a lot - even among friends.
I'm not sure things cann change, possibly if yo uhave a great counsellor, they may explain that you still want and need his affection and emotional support in a new way, while you need to learn how to express that need to him, which I'd be intested to hear too.

I've just separated from a similar situation.

I suffered profoundly from a traumatic birth a decade ago. It really knocked me, spiralled into anxiety and hypervigilance. He looked super ‘normal’ in comparison, but rejected me sexually from the day our child was born. I still kept it together enough to raise our child, help run our businesses, do all the mental load stuff for 2 houses. I worked really hard with a therapist and meds to fight my way back mentally and emotionally. 3 years ago I turned some major positive corners.

He professes deep love and clearly sees us ‘together forever’, there’s just a big gap between these somewhat abstract statements and the reality of a day-to-day life. A life without intimacy, true teamwork or connection. Like living with a vaguely smiley disconnected housemate.

Spent $5000 on excellent marriage therapists, no change. He was only too happy to talk, explain his feelings, profess commitment, etc. But nothing changed, ever. He believed his own rhetoric so there was nothing to be done. I think he told himself we were at too spiritual a level in our relationship to need to worry about sex? Bollocks to that.

Best I can fathom, he must have unresolved attachment/avoidance issues from his family of origin. Something happened in his childhood. All I know is I’ve given up being the detective on his case, and I’m much better for it. He won’t explore it in himself, and I can’t change him, or make up for the holes in him. I know now that I would have recovered far faster without him around- quite the opposite to the narrative I, he and everyone else had at the time. He really was part of the problem and held me back in life. How do you build your confidence when the person who is supposed to like you the most disconnects from you? It hurts.

Even a few months of not living with him is an amazing revelation. Like suddenly the air has more oxygen in it. I am stronger and more positive than I thought. And without him gatekeeping intimacy, it turns out there’s a lot of it around to be had. Even if you’re a middle-aged, rumpled sort of person. Turns out I was ‘good enough’ to deserve more. He just didn’t have the necessary programming to recognise it, miss it or do anything real about it.

Leave your man to his denial and mental fairytales, back yourself and turn towards all the exciting possibilities in life?

Either way, good luck and congrats on the recovery.

This is really common, many men seem to struggle with their partner becoming confident and successful.

I've seen it happen a few times around me where, after many years of looking after kids/house/family, the woman finds herself again and grows and flourishes. And the men in their lives seem unable to deal with it, often becoming unpleasant, controlling or distant. It's happen in my marriage too and it's very sad

@Onthedunes together 21 years. He was diagnosed with depression a year ago, on AD's and in weekly counselling for 9 months. We were on holidays in July but he still didn't initiate any kissing or sex, despite having privacy. I would have been so happy up to that point to reconnect but at that point I just felt defeated.

@CatAndHisKit

I understand what you are getting at, OP - he is the 'carer' type who thrives on supporting and caring for the 'weaker' partner, such people are usually a 'rock' for their friends too. He may not even want to feel like he does so he is outwardly supportive of your newly strong self, but emotionally this doesn't touch or 'melt' him in the way when he had to show a lot of support. It's great he wants to do counselling as he probably unable to deal with this irrational sort of change in him. But I've seen this happen a lot - even among friends. I'm not sure things cann change, possibly if yo uhave a great counsellor, they may explain that you still want and need his affection and emotional support in a new way, while you need to learn how to express that need to him, which I'd be intested to hear too.

I'm not sure things can change either @CatAndHisKit

@MadameMonk

I've just separated from a similar situation.

I suffered profoundly from a traumatic birth a decade ago. It really knocked me, spiralled into anxiety and hypervigilance. He looked super ‘normal’ in comparison, but rejected me sexually from the day our child was born. I still kept it together enough to raise our child, help run our businesses, do all the mental load stuff for 2 houses. I worked really hard with a therapist and meds to fight my way back mentally and emotionally. 3 years ago I turned some major positive corners.

He professes deep love and clearly sees us ‘together forever’, there’s just a big gap between these somewhat abstract statements and the reality of a day-to-day life. A life without intimacy, true teamwork or connection. Like living with a vaguely smiley disconnected housemate.

Spent $5000 on excellent marriage therapists, no change. He was only too happy to talk, explain his feelings, profess commitment, etc. But nothing changed, ever. He believed his own rhetoric so there was nothing to be done. I think he told himself we were at too spiritual a level in our relationship to need to worry about sex? Bollocks to that.

Best I can fathom, he must have unresolved attachment/avoidance issues from his family of origin. Something happened in his childhood. All I know is I’ve given up being the detective on his case, and I’m much better for it. He won’t explore it in himself, and I can’t change him, or make up for the holes in him. I know now that I would have recovered far faster without him around- quite the opposite to the narrative I, he and everyone else had at the time. He really was part of the problem and held me back in life. How do you build your confidence when the person who is supposed to like you the most disconnects from you? It hurts.

Even a few months of not living with him is an amazing revelation. Like suddenly the air has more oxygen in it. I am stronger and more positive than I thought. And without him gatekeeping intimacy, it turns out there’s a lot of it around to be had. Even if you’re a middle-aged, rumpled sort of person. Turns out I was ‘good enough’ to deserve more. He just didn’t have the necessary programming to recognise it, miss it or do anything real about it.

Leave your man to his denial and mental fairytales, back yourself and turn towards all the exciting possibilities in life?

Either way, good luck and congrats on the recovery.

OMG this is EXACTLY the same as my DH. Surely (he said, to our counsellor) our spiritual connection is enough to get us through? Eh, no, I don't think so! Well done on your recovery too, it's a long journey but there's no "putting yourself back in the box" once you've reached a more confident state. The air feels heavy when he is around.

I'm not sure things can change either @CatAndHisKit**

It’s hard enough to change yourself even when you want to. And he doesn't want to - he’s happy with the way things are.

Sorry 😞

So baisically he has lost his confidence and that is affecting him not only in life but in the bedroom.

I'm not sure whether this can be resolved if you cannot work together on this.

Depression for him will be a mighty biig hole to pull himself out of on his own.

@TheOpenRoad

This is really common, many men seem to struggle with their partner becoming confident and successful.

I've seen it happen a few times around me where, after many years of looking after kids/house/family, the woman finds herself again and grows and flourishes. And the men in their lives seem unable to deal with it, often becoming unpleasant, controlling or distant. It's happen in my marriage too and it's very sad

@TheOpenRoad I'm sorry to hear it's happening to you too.

OP, I don't think your DH wants to change. He has things the way he wants them now.

Sadly, I think that if you want something different, you will need to break up.

OMG this is EXACTLY the same as my DH. Surely (he said, to our counsellor) our spiritual connection is enough to get us through? Eh, no, I don't think so!

So, what if you say this out loud? With both him and the counsellor there? Making it clear you want sex? His replies would be very interesting, and might give you a better idea of what you want to do going forwards.

It's really selfish for him to expect your marriage to continue when it only meets his needs.

@TurquoiseDragon

OP, I don't think your DH wants to change. He has things the way he wants them now.

Sadly, I think that if you want something different, you will need to break up.

OMG this is EXACTLY the same as my DH. Surely (he said, to our counsellor) our spiritual connection is enough to get us through? Eh, no, I don't think so!

So, what if you say this out loud? With both him and the counsellor there? Making it clear you want sex? His replies would be very interesting, and might give you a better idea of what you want to do going forwards.

It's really selfish for him to expect your marriage to continue when it only meets his needs.

I did say that. DH said he'd "do anything to keep us together". The counsellor asked "sleep with your wife regularly?" and he said yes, yes. But I was thinking about that since and thought that 7 years of little or no sex, few suggestions or ideas, or opinions from him, just transactional conversation, will he really be able to change?

I sadly feel it's too ingrained, he has no incentive to change because everything already suits what he wants.

So now, it's up to you to determine if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

[quote L0stinCyberspace]@Onthedunes together 21 years. He was diagnosed with depression a year ago, on AD's and in weekly counselling for 9 months. We were on holidays in July but he still didn't initiate any kissing or sex, despite having privacy. I would have been so happy up to that point to reconnect but at that point I just felt defeated.[/quote]
Have you tried initiating for sex?

[quote L0stinCyberspace]@Onthedunes together 21 years. He was diagnosed with depression a year ago, on AD's and in weekly counselling for 9 months. We were on holidays in July but he still didn't initiate any kissing or sex, despite having privacy. I would have been so happy up to that point to reconnect but at that point I just felt defeated.[/quote]
Lack of sex drive is a common side effect for men on ADs, maybe go back to the GP for a different prescription

www.healthline.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/antidepressant-sexual-side-effects#Sexual-side-effects-of-antidepressants

Depression and anti-depressants are well documented to kill sex drive and impair sexual pleasure/function in men.

It is more likely that this is a cause of him not wanting any sex at all and simply coincidence that it corresponds with your recovery to being confident and successful.

Another more likely cause is the fact that on a population level, men’s sex drive decreases as they age while women’s sex drive increases... so as you say you’ve been together for 21 years, it is likely you now have the higher sex drive and he a lower one that is being further suffocated by depression and anti depressants.

He may not be able to change, and quite frankly no one should be pressured into sex. That said, if sex is essential for you, you can justifiably end the relationship. But I wouldn’t be equating sex with love or commitment as you seem to be implying.

How did it make you view the relationship? I'm just curious - I was the man in the scenario at the beginning but it played out in the opposite way...

My girlfriend was in the early recovery phase of a deep depression when I met her. We had a pretty decent ten years together - certainly a lot of happiness and very little anger. But I did support her a lot, emotionally and financially, including emmigrating to her home country so she could also have the support of her family. She finally got accepted to her dream university course after about six years. She did great and as you can imagine it did wonders for her self-esteem.

The person she was developing into was even more fantastic than the one I had met. Except that she sort of outgrew me I guess, or at least I think the dynamic in our relationship was too ingrained by then for her. So she finished it. It was all fairly amicable and I suppose I can't be sure how it would have progressed, but I had been excited to make that journey with her. I'm not sure what really killed it for her - maybe she felt like she'd have to spent x years proving herself 'equal' even if I didn't see it that way? Or maybe the love on her side was based on the support. We did take a long walk months later to do a bit of a postmortem on the whole thing but didn't really work it out!

We're both happy with other people now, and I did find someone in a more complete phase of their life. Her new guy seems lovely too.

I'm not sure my point - just that maybe starting out in an unbalanced relationship in that sense has all sorts of pitfalls.

@morningglory84 yes, most of the times we have had sex in the last 7 years was when I initiated it. I stopped around 2 years ago and we've had no sex in that time.

@JustAnother0ldMan ah, but he has no problem with Reddit porn or sexting the women posting their amateur clips, he just seems to have a problem with having sex with ME!

@PlanDeRaccordement

Depression and anti-depressants are well documented to kill sex drive and impair sexual pleasure/function in men.

It is more likely that this is a cause of him not wanting any sex at all and simply coincidence that it corresponds with your recovery to being confident and successful.

Another more likely cause is the fact that on a population level, men’s sex drive decreases as they age while women’s sex drive increases... so as you say you’ve been together for 21 years, it is likely you now have the higher sex drive and he a lower one that is being further suffocated by depression and anti depressants.

He may not be able to change, and quite frankly no one should be pressured into sex. That said, if sex is essential for you, you can justifiably end the relationship. But I wouldn’t be equating sex with love or commitment as you seem to be implying.

Well he's only been on AD's a year and the sex issue has been there 7.

I've always had a higher sex drive than him.

He disconnected emotionally over the last 7 years. No sharing of thoughts, ideas. Some of this may have been depression but there's some other Dynamic at work.

@L0stinCyberspace
Oh, That all sounds rather spit, why are you still together?