Need to be told - advice please

[Rocket81]

So - I am now 40 and feel like I need to face up with reality. I have 3 kids under 10. A husband who I’ve been with since early 20’s. He is a very challenging character, I have often questioned bipolar or depression but he refuses to get tested- we get on some of the time have a good social life. He is popular with the husbands and nice on the outside. But he does nothing to help at home, gets irritated with the children, never helps with washing up, meal prep, shopping, home work, bedtime routine ect . . Drinks too much, falls asleep middle of the afternoon (weekends) swears and shouts in front of the children constantly puts me down and says how I earn nothing and contribute nothing. He has a good job, 4 days a week on his day off he can just manage the school run! I work 4 days and do literally everything. He is mean to the children to the extent my middle 9 year as said she doesn’t like him. Plus my oldest is showing signs of having his temper which is another issue. . .

When we do go out with friends I often get embarrassed by his antics. He ruined my birthday this year by being wasted and I was so pleased when he crawled off to bed early.

I know I need to leave him. I just want to stay where we are and don’t want to have to sell up but I guess it has come to this that I need to as I am wearing myself out over compensating trying to give the kids my all. They must think I’m a crazy happy person, shrugging off the verbal I get!

As background, we spilt up when my youngest was only 1 for a few months I lived with my mum, we went down the DV route as he was more physical then smashing things up and used to push me around, he did a 6 month course but he seemed to really try to change and it was nice for a while and things slipped again. It’s more emotional / financial now. Now the kids are older I think living with my mum wouldn’t be so straight forward. Would love him to leave but don’t think we could do both.

I guess I know the answer here - I need to get legal advice and file for divorce and get him to leave. I can’t help but think if I can carry on for another year living a lie so I can get savings together and get more of the mortgage paid but I need to stop making excuses and go for it.

Hats off to you amazing ladies who have managed to make the leap xx

Writing it all out has a way of really making it clear. You have to leave him. For yourself and your children.

Here is something most women ignore but maybe you won’t. Get all your ducks in a row without him knowing. It will bring you comfort when he is mean and you will be loads better off.

Definitely get the lawyer. It seems to me these men will do anything to punish the women who leave them. So be as quiet as possible.

You know what you have to do, and I think you’re fed up enough right now to do it. He is just going to find other ways to be abusive to you.

Plus do you really want to wash this mans laundry ever again? Do you want to clean his toilets? Cook him his meals? All while hearing how terrible you are?

Screw that. Even a studio apartment would be better than that!

The sooner you get out, the better for your children - he's mean to them and your ds is picking up his behaviour.

On your own, you can give them a safe space, a refuge from him, you can show them what a loving family home should be. The house itself doesn't matter.

Thanks so much for messaging. Yep, I’m realising now life is short and I deserve more plus worried kids are going to come out badly from all this - me thinking I’m helping them when actually I am normalising it all for them.
Arghh - should have stuck to my guns 4 years ago. Ok, I’m seriously going to get thinking a way out of this mess. Thank you thank you.

If you get weak just imagine not having to deal with him around the house. Imagine it coming home to NOT him.

You are also VERY right about what this does to children.

The other thing that worries me is me having to let them visit him at weekends ect - they’re at the age they don’t have phones.

I knew for years I had to leave. Took me nearly 20 in the end.

It was hard, so hard. And so, so, so worth it. Now, after the nightmare, things have calmed down. Kids are settled. He’s still an abusive arse but his impact is limited and I am no longer setting the example to them that it is OK/acceptable/necessary. I feel light and happy every time I realise I’m free (left in late 2018). I literally never, ever miss him or anything about being with him.

I’m telling you all of this because I have been where you are. I know the mountain that you feel you have to climb, and the million tiny practical things that you feel are just impossible to sort, in order to get over that mountain. But I’m here to tell you that you can; it’s possible, you sort each thing as it comes, one day at a time, and that a great life is waiting on the other side for you

Better that then every day right?

He is abusive to then as well. He might not be getting alone time with them. Or maybe it will be the wake up call to be better man (doubt it). Either way he won’t change if you stay there taking his shit. It’ll just get worse and worse.

Plus these types of men will fight for time with there children and then never actually follow through. He will find it very taxing to take care of the kids without you doing all do the work.

I know it’s hard but you’ll find out you have more options than you think

@Rocket81

The other thing that worries me is me having to let them visit him at weekends ect - they’re at the age they don’t have phones.

Yes, it is worrying.

But currently they have his bullying and abuse, or possibility of it, to deal with all the time, no respite, no safe place. Plus you staying, makes it appear normal and acceptable. If you split, they'll only have that for brief periods and will have a safe place with you to come back to.

It may be that he will "Disney-dad" them in his contact time.

Or that he'll make a big deal out of wanting contact, but won't bother in reality.

And you will be able to fight how much contact he gets if he behaves badly towards them, and eventually they will have a voice in how much they see him.

There are so many unknowns of how it will go when you split. But while you stay, it stays known, it stays the same and your children are in the abusive situation 24/7, 365.