AIBU husband uninterested in family life

[Orchidsndaffodils]

Hi,

I'm struggling with feelings that my husband is just not interested in spending time with his family.
I know it's not completely true, as when he happens to not be working or preoccupied by work, he will spent time with DD and me on activities I plan for us, and mostly it is lovely, and he is a great dad when he is around.

However, he spends an inordinate amount of time at work, on a senior job that I got him (it was offered to me by a contact of mine who started his own company) but I couldn't take it as DD was only 6 months then and I wanted to work only 2 days a week at the time.
The job is in some ways a huge leap for the level of experience he has, and I understand his desire to compensate for that by spending more time at work, but to be completely honest, both of us have just historically been workaholics.
Now that I am a mum, my perspective has completely changed and I consider my main job (where I now invest my workaholism) to be motherhood, and not my career (I work 4 days a week now and keep it very much within normal work hours).

We have been together for 10 years and I have always struggled with him not managing expectations: he has cancelled plans at the last minute countless times, has always been reluctant to make plans, and gets very upset and emotionally aggressive when I try to discuss it. I feel hurt when he does that, I feel that he doesn't want to spend time with me and doesn't project himself with me.
To cope with these feelings, over the years, I have come to expect less of him and his time, and make plans to do things by myself, with my friends, and now with 2.5 yo DD, which makes me happy.
When he finally happens to be available, he will expect me to drop everything, all my plans, to spend time with him, on his agenda.
In the past, I have somehow been ok with that, but now with DD I feel that life is so busy, I need to plan things, there is routine we need to follow for DD, and I am no longer willing to bend over backwards to comply with his agenda whenever he decides it will suit him, without any notice.

I feel that it is selfish behaviour from him to not care about his impact on DD and me.

Also he has made comments in the past about how he has the most important 'job' and his 'work' is more important than mine (he means caring for our daughter and organising the household - as well as working 4 days a week).
This has made me so angry that he doesn't appreciate how much work goes into caring for our DD and having a clean house, with good healthy food in the fridge and clean clothes etc.
AIBU?

Sorry for the long message. I feel like the sleep deprivation and worry and anxiety, and sadness are clouding my mind and made me lose perspective.
Some advice would be appreciated, please be gentle as I feel at the end of my tethers, exhausted by motherhood and the constant stress about my failing relationship.

Thanks in advance.

Sounds like you have been drifting apart for a while and the resentment is growing deeper. He needs a better work/life balance.
You could try talking to him about it or a) stick around til your DC is older or b) split now and find happiness alone or with a new partner eventually.

I guess you can kinda put himself in his shoes though - in that you understand what it is to be dedicated to your work.

Maybe have a chat with him about how he sees his relationship with you and DD? I guess some people are more laissez faire with kids than others. What does he see as the main point of him being dedicated to his job? Personal satisfaction, money (for what- Retire early? Private school/uni fees for DD? Holidays?). Could he compromise a bit - eg commit to planning 1 activity for the family every other week (ahead of work commitments - tell boss in advance).?

No, you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You’re only expecting common decency - basic manners in not cancelling at the last minute, wanting to spend time together and as a family. It’s unreasonable to mess up your own plans and I’m glad you’re not prepared to do that any more, it’s simply not fair. He puts his job above yours? Perhaps challenge that next time by asking in the sweetest voice,’so me running the entire household and bringing up a delightful child while working four days a week isn’t important?’ But the thing is that you’ve tried to discuss this with him and he shuts you down and gets ‘emotionally aggressive’. This is the hard part, and shows that he knows what he’s doing, so he doesn’t want to face it - or change. So where does that leave you? You carry on as you’re doing, but with an ever increasing anger and resentment, or you change what YOU do. If you don’t alter plans at the last minute to suit him, what happens - does he get cross? Sulk? Are you happy in your marriage? Or do you feel you do everything and he just isn’t pulling his weight and being an involved partner and father? You say you were both workaholics - you have changed but he has not….perhaps it would be helpful to discuss your situation in therapy to find a way through? The early years are SO hard, and doubly so if you’re carrying weighty resentment and rage, maybe make sure your contraception is watertight, assuming that part of your relationship isn’t also suffering…
It may be time for a wee pause while you evaluate everything - and he HAS to listen and communicate on this - maybe with counselling - or it will make this relationship unbearable for you, and your daughter.

Seen this complaint on MN so many times. Someone will be along later to say LTB.

If you want a man with a big job then you have to accept that he has to put in big hours. I'm sure you are benefitting from the big salary.

If you want someone who earns a low or average wage, working the bare minimum in a 9 to 4, there are plenty of them about, you could've picked one of those. Or someone unemployed.

I feel that men can't win sometimes. I know it's irritating OP but you can't have everything 100% and you take the rough with the smooth. Providing for your family well is a big deal and not to be undermined.

He hasn’t changed from what you describe. He’s always been like this?

Now that I am a mum, my perspective has completely changed and I consider my main job (where I now invest my workaholism) to be motherhood, and not my career (I work 4 days a week now and keep it very much within normal work hours).

This is the heart of it - your perspective has changed and his has stayed the same. He might be wondering where the career-driven woman he married has gone and why your focus has shifted from work to domestic stuff so dramatically.

You married a man who focused on work and that's still who he is, you can't expect that to change. HOWEVER you can and must put a stop to his rudeness and disrespect towards you. Workaholism is no excuse for expecting you to drop your plans and rearrange yourself around him. Workaholism is no excuse for the snide comments about his big job. Workaholism is no excuse for "emotional aggression". He needs a serious attitude adjustment.

@THisbackwithavengeance what a load of crap. My DH has the "big" job and still manages to spend time with his family and appreciates that my "little" (full time and still VERY demanding) job affords him the opportunity to work in a job he loves while I keep on top of all the admin that comes with family life. You don't have to choose one way or the other fgs.

So helpful to hear your perspectives. Thank you.

Yes I am aware that I am the one who has changed my priorities in life and I can't really expect him to become a different person, only to be a decent father to his child (which he is, more than decent), and a decent human being to me (which he mostly is. He can be kind, he can be awful. I am no angel either, stressed out depleted people don't make nice people, we know that).

I don't think the choice is big salary and ignore your family, or low wage and big focus on family though. I earn more per hour as he does, so I bring in a large % of the household income. I have seen plenty of senior people / men who will spend many hours at work, but will always make sure they are around for bath time, who will stop their late night work in the office to FaceTime their kids before bed, who will make plans for family fun to make up for lost hours at work. Many of your comments are helping things sink in that what is going on is personal choices of life priorities, and his are (and have always been) work above family and all else. His dad is the same and treats his mum with what I consider to be utter disrespect, but his mum has always been on standby ready to jump whenever he decides to be available. So that's what he grew up with and all he has known.

You're right, I think my choice is: I've changed, can I cope with life as it is, and accept he won't change, and be somewhat happy with it; or do I move on, with the heartbreak, disruption and huge energy that this involves.

Is anyone happy in a relationship where they don't share much time together?
I feel like in time, maybe, maybe, with some self work, I could be happy and accepting of more separate lives and ignore what generates frustration and resentment at the moment. But I would need to grieve the loss of what I have been wanting instead, a deep connection with a partner, mutual respect, love, as well as enjoyable coparenting (which I'm grateful I have).

Thank you so much for your responses and support everyone, it feels so good not to be alone here.