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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please

12 replies

Heelancoo · 23/10/2021 20:25

Would like some advice/suggestions please? STBXH left me in Jan saying he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Moved hundreds of miles away. We (maybe me more than him) tried to work on things, but he kept telling me he only saw us as friends. I’d had enough by the start of July when he was supposed to be coming to stay for the weekend as we’d decided to try again after getting closer, only for him to cancel 6 hours before he was due to arrive. Since then I’ve gone NC to heal and move on. I know I could never go from being a wife to basically a ‘friend’ when it suits him. Told him this, told him if he thought there was any chance he wanted to try again to say in July but he just said he couldn’t see us as any more than friends. So that was it for me-was so hurt he could be so disrespectful and like I didn’t matter. I truly loved him and miss him terribly. However I have a 13yr daughter and I want to set her a good example and don’t want to hurt again. I’ve picked myself up and generally feel good about myself and life again. Today I got a text saying ‘do you think we’ll ever speak again?’. Haven’t responded and tbh don’t know what to say. Part of me wants him to hurt even a tiny fraction of how I have, but that’s vindictive and not really me. Nor does it help. Should I just ignore? I can’t see how we could ever be friends -it’s just too raw and for me, trust is gone. I still have no idea why he left, and have got to a place where I’ve stopped trying to work it out. I really don’t want to get hurt again but on the other hand, if this is the start of him trying to apologise it might help me. What would you do? I’m really annoyed with myself how much it’s unsettled me since I got his message ☹️

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 20:38

He is a selfish dick. You told him no and he has waited until he knew you would be feeling better and sent you this text.

He is not texting to apologise. He is texting because he does not respect your 'no' to a friendship. And perhaps even because he is mad at you for not agreeing to everything on his terms and hanging about pining after him.

Don't reply. He doesn't deserve a reply.

GothamGirl1970 · 23/10/2021 20:45

Ignore

StopPissingAbout · 23/10/2021 20:46

Ignore it. Don't give the decency of a reply. He hurt you and let you down

Well done for going nc and picking yourself up. Don't let him in your life again

Heelancoo · 23/10/2021 20:57

Thank you. This is what I think in my gut. It’s too little far too late.

OP posts:
GertietheGherkin · 23/10/2021 20:58

You tried to make things work. You gave him the opportunity to reconsider. He's only interested now, because you're not. He's obviously dipped his toe into the World outside of his marriage, and has probably hasn't had much success. He's now probably hit a dry spell, and he's thinking you'll do to fill a temporary gap.

I'd just ignore his pathetic message. You've worked hard to pick yourself up, and put the pieces of your life back together. You and your DD are settled. Don't let him cause further upset or unsettle your life again. Just delete his message, and ignore him.

Munchkinpumpkin · 23/10/2021 21:00

Omg ignore.. he wants to reel you back in for an ego boost nothing more

Heelancoo · 23/10/2021 21:06

Yes @Munchkinpumpkin this is what I’m thinking and tbh it pisses me off even more. He has no idea (or doesn’t want to admit) how much devastation he caused walking out on me and DD (she’s not his but he’s been in her life for 6 years and our dog (sounds silly but the dog utterly loved him). I’ve felt like we were like toys he’d got bored of and ditched. It’s a horrible hurt.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 23/10/2021 21:12

I would think that nothing he ever said (unless it was the fact that he had genuinely realised he’d behaved like a colossal wanker, he was having therapy and he wished you well for your future life) would make you feel any better. I’m sorry OP but I don’t think this man will bring anything positive to your life xx

Heelancoo · 23/10/2021 21:29

I would think that nothing he ever said (unless it was the fact that he had genuinely realised he’d behaved like a colossal wanker, he was having therapy and he wished you well for your future life) would make you feel any better. I’m sorry OP but I don’t think this man will bring anything positive to your life xx

@Buildingthefuture this made me laugh 🤣 love the idea it would dawn on him he’s been a ‘colossal wanker’ 🤗

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 23/10/2021 21:31

He's bored and wants an ego boost on a Saturday night. Ignore him

JustKittenAround · 23/10/2021 22:15

I agree with @WickedWitchOfTheTrent this is a classic Hoover to make himself feel better. If he wants to talk to you he can at least call you or give you reason to. That text isn’t it.

Now he will know that what he does will have consequences!

I think you’re sounding good and strong. I’m sorry he text you. It can be jarring and emotional to get a text like that.

Heelancoo · 23/10/2021 23:33

Thank you to everyone who has responded. You’re all unanimous in your replies and it’s helped me stand firm. I’m trying hard to establish boundaries in my personal life as have realised I’m a people pleaser so it feels weird doing what is best for me and DD. Was starting to question if I was being a bit horrible but you’ve helped me understand it’s only an ego boost and it’ll just send me backwards. Xx

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