Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do we do this??

8 replies

Jasmine00 · 23/10/2021 17:51

Why is it that only once the dust has settled after a break up do you realise just how unhappy you actually were in that relationship ?
I feel like I've had a new lease of life and its only in hindsight I can see how bloody miserable I was!! The same thing happened with my marriage and now in a relationship since then which I've just ended a few weeks back.
Why do we find it so hard to check in with ourselves, why do we constantly make excuses for the other person and put up with nonsense for so long?
I want to be able to teach my daughters not to do this and not to plod along with someone or something that they know isnt right for them, but I seem to keep doing it myself !
Really want to break this cycle, although not really sure how!!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 18:09

I think sometimes it's getting the actual words out that is the problem. You psyche yourself up but but the time comes, the words just don't. Practicing breaking up might help? I dunno if there's a technique lol but just practice examples infront of a mirror maybe.

The daniel sloss comedian on netflix does an episode...i think its called jigsaw, which is well worth a watch. About not staying with the wrong people for us.

I think it's important to discuss with them that relationships are not an 'end goal' but that they come and go throughout life. That they are simply company and to add happiness to a life. And that if they don't do that then it's time to call it a day.

Controversial perhaps but I would also be sure to discuss with them that children are also, not an end goal. That they are not for everyone and that they should focus on other things with their life. If they happen they happen but that they should never tie themself to a man who isn't suitable in order to have children.

TheTrinity · 23/10/2021 18:41

This is so very true and I have spoken to my children about not accepting being disrespected by anyone and not allowing others to treat them badly. I don't really know how either except to encourage them to believe in themselves and to recognise the behaviours and signs when they're being taken advantage of or mistreated in some way. I think it really does take a big effort to intentionally break a cycle and a lot of time. I started trying to do this and for me the starting point was reconnecting with myself and being aware of why I accept things I know aren't acceptable and what the root causes are.

Jasmine00 · 23/10/2021 18:50

I could understand myself in relation to my Marriage as there was a lot of ties involved kids, house etc so I took years before finally ending that. I just would have expected myself to be more savvy this time round, especially as all I was after was a bit of fun and company when kids were at their dad's, I've ended up spending 2 years on and off giving my energy to this guy and being miserable in return!!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 23/10/2021 19:59

It's because we behave according to 'shoulds'.

It's because we make decisions with our heads rather than basing them on feelings, rather than integrating the two.

It's to do with what we were shown, as kids, what an adult relationship should look like, and how our emotions should be dealt with.

What was your parent's relationship like, OP? Loving? Respectful? Did they listen to and care about each other's emotions? What were they like with you? Understanding and curious about your core nature, your actual self?

For me, I was set a poor example by my parents, who felt crap together and fought a lot, but insisted on staying together. As an adult, I've had a lot of relationships where I felt we should stay together, regardless of how shit the relationship made us feel.

Also, with all the fallings out, my feelings were pretty low on the list of priorities, and that's where I've put them for much of my adult life.

Teach your daughters that how they feel is THE most important thing. Teach them that if someone makes them feel bad, that person gets one more chance, in case they did something inadvertently. State once that you don't like the behaviour, and how you feel when they do it. If they keep doing it, leave, because that behaviour is more important to them than you feeling ok.

That's it. I wish someone had taught me, and I hadn't had to go to counselling in my 40s to learn it, but hey ho!

Your girls are so lucky to have you Flowers

Suchi1 · 23/10/2021 22:32

I think the best thing you can teach your daughter is that being single is fine and you don’t need a relationship to have a happy life.

Moonface123 · 23/10/2021 23:02

I personally think most relationships have their own time frames and we outgrow them. Doesn't mean the whole relationship was a mistake but that it has come to a natural end.

ArseulaUndressed · 24/10/2021 10:55

This is so true and interesting what has been said about parents. Mine have a terrible (DV, EA, really toxic) relationship but are still together. I don’t see much of them now as I can’t bear it.

I’m getting better at quitting when values/attitudes don’t align with a new partner but when some things work and are good I can be tricked into thinking that things can improve.

Need to remind myself that it’s not my place to change someone.

Reading the threads on here have been really good for me too.

ArseulaUndressed · 24/10/2021 10:58

@TheFoundations you sound amazing! Your background sounds really similar to mine and I try to do that too with my kids.

💐

New posts on this thread. Refresh page