Breakdown after breakup

Tina7391 · 2021-10-23T16:49:22+00:00

I feel like I'm having a breakdown over the end of my relationship. I shake and feel sick all morning. Can't concentrate. I'm scared that I'm losing it. My last breakup was over 20 years ago but I have so much more to lose this time. I'm 50 and the thought of starting over scares me.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 23/10/2021 17:51

Keep breathing. Come home to your breath. If you can notice breath entering your body and breath leaving your body, you will be fine.

It will take a while but bit by bit you'll work through it.

Do you want to say more about it?

anthurium · 23/10/2021 18:11

Why do you have more to lose this time?

litterbird · 23/10/2021 18:22

You are going to be ok, just breathe in and out slowly. Concentrate on your breath. You are going through a normal stage of a break up for some people. Its like a withdrawal, you are withdrawing from a relationship, closeness, a person and habits and rituals you would have had as a couple. I was 50 when I went through what you are going through. You can and will recover. You will be ok, you will get over this. I am 57 now and in a place of peace and happiness. It took work to recover but you will do it as I have done. If you find it too overwhelming as I did then seek help professionally to support you through this difficult bit.

Original poster

Tina7391 · 23/10/2021 18:26

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Keep breathing. Come home to your breath. If you can notice breath entering your body and breath leaving your body, you will be fine.

It will take a while but bit by bit you'll work through it.

Do you want to say more about it?

Last time I owned my own house so at least I didn't have to worry about selling a house and looking for another. He seemed fine. I thought we were happy. I noticed a change in July. We had a BBQ and he had a bit to drink (he's not much of a drinker) and he ended up quite morose. Talking about not having a relationship with his dad etc. Everything seemed to change after this or at least that's when I noticed it. He said he's had doubts for a while but allowed us to buy a new house last year. I just feel Ill 😥

OP posts:

Original poster

Tina7391 · 23/10/2021 18:45

@litterbird

You are going to be ok, just breathe in and out slowly. Concentrate on your breath. You are going through a normal stage of a break up for some people. Its like a withdrawal, you are withdrawing from a relationship, closeness, a person and habits and rituals you would have had as a couple. I was 50 when I went through what you are going through. You can and will recover. You will be ok, you will get over this. I am 57 now and in a place of peace and happiness. It took work to recover but you will do it as I have done. If you find it too overwhelming as I did then seek help professionally to support you through this difficult bit.

Thank you. A little bit of hope. I can't imagine being without him. Have you met anyone else or happy to be single. The thought of random dates has never appealed to me, even less now. How long did it take you to feel better? I can't eat, I wake up feeling sick. It's doing wonders for my diet though 😊

OP posts:

Alexandradream · 23/10/2021 18:52

I completely understand and wish I had the magic formula to share. Nothing except time will help. I was dumped in a particularly nasty way earlier this year, we had been together for about 20 months. I can honestly say it was more difficult than the ending of my 20 year marriage. As you say, it felt like I was breaking down and while I’m not sure of the circumstances around your break up, I felt almost ashamed that I wasn’t coping. I lost weight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop looking at his WhatsApp to just see he was online, I felt like I’d a lump in my chest… I was truly batshit sad. Hard as it may be, it will get easier, it will get better, and that will just take time. Be nice to yourself, there were days that I took myself and Netflix up to me room. I wasn’t sleeping and a friend recommended something really light and inane to watch when I needed distraction, she said by the time I’d gotten to the end of all the series it would be easier. She was right.. it is easier.

I’m 52, and yes, the thought of doing it again is daunting, I really thought I’d met my man for the second chapter of my life. But it will happen, one day you will decide to respond to someone in real life or use online dating… I’m now at that place but it’s taken me 6 months.

I still think of him every day, he truly broke my heart, but I’m getting there, and I promise you will too. It’s hard, it takes time but it will happen.

litterbird · 23/10/2021 19:02

@Tina7391....It took a couple of years to finally stop ruminating, questioning and get rid of the awful pain inside. It slowly dissipated over that time. I didn't handle being single well at first and went straight into online dating and it was a disaster. Lesson learnt. I then became happy being on my own and single for a while and only when that happened I went back to dating but it just happened that it was with someone I had known. It lasted 18 months, it didn't work out but we remain very good friends. It put my faith back into men and relationships and through that relationship I realised I could trust another man again. I am now very happy in another relationship with someone I have known for 30 years. He contacted me about a mutual interest out of the blue. We met to chat and it went on from there. I thought I could never recover when my ex left me at 50. I thought I will never be able to rebuild myself to have an intimate partner again. I thought no one will want me in my 50s. All of this was complete rubbish BS that my brain was punishing me over and over again. My advise is never listen to your crap brain telling you you aren't good enough/young enough/pretty enough etc etc. Take time out to heal properly, only when you are ready, and if its what you want, start to date again. You may also find that being single after your healing is where you want to be. I never thought I could live without my ex partner, but not only did I live but I thrived. My ex, of course, after 9 months of total NC decided he had made a terrible mistake and wanted to come back. The answer was a firm no. You will be ok OP I promise you.

Original poster

Tina7391 · 23/10/2021 19:05

@Alexandradream

I completely understand and wish I had the magic formula to share. Nothing except time will help. I was dumped in a particularly nasty way earlier this year, we had been together for about 20 months. I can honestly say it was more difficult than the ending of my 20 year marriage. As you say, it felt like I was breaking down and while I’m not sure of the circumstances around your break up, I felt almost ashamed that I wasn’t coping. I lost weight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop looking at his WhatsApp to just see he was online, I felt like I’d a lump in my chest… I was truly batshit sad. Hard as it may be, it will get easier, it will get better, and that will just take time. Be nice to yourself, there were days that I took myself and Netflix up to me room. I wasn’t sleeping and a friend recommended something really light and inane to watch when I needed distraction, she said by the time I’d gotten to the end of all the series it would be easier. She was right.. it is easier.

I’m 52, and yes, the thought of doing it again is daunting, I really thought I’d met my man for the second chapter of my life. But it will happen, one day you will decide to respond to someone in real life or use online dating… I’m now at that place but it’s taken me 6 months.

I still think of him every day, he truly broke my heart, but I’m getting there, and I promise you will too. It’s hard, it takes time but it will happen.

Thank you. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this too. My partner has left before. Whenever he is stressed he can't deal with things and takes off. He always calms down and comes back. This time he's told me he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore. It was like a knife to my heart. I'm the same checking his WhatsApp etc. He was pretty cruel in what he said. We've been together 13 years but until last year I owned my own house. it's so hard and he doesn't seem to care 😥

OP posts:

Lana07 · 23/10/2021 19:05

Original poster

Tina7391 · 23/10/2021 19:09

[quote litterbird]@Tina7391....It took a couple of years to finally stop ruminating, questioning and get rid of the awful pain inside. It slowly dissipated over that time. I didn't handle being single well at first and went straight into online dating and it was a disaster. Lesson learnt. I then became happy being on my own and single for a while and only when that happened I went back to dating but it just happened that it was with someone I had known. It lasted 18 months, it didn't work out but we remain very good friends. It put my faith back into men and relationships and through that relationship I realised I could trust another man again. I am now very happy in another relationship with someone I have known for 30 years. He contacted me about a mutual interest out of the blue. We met to chat and it went on from there. I thought I could never recover when my ex left me at 50. I thought I will never be able to rebuild myself to have an intimate partner again. I thought no one will want me in my 50s. All of this was complete rubbish BS that my brain was punishing me over and over again. My advise is never listen to your crap brain telling you you aren't good enough/young enough/pretty enough etc etc. Take time out to heal properly, only when you are ready, and if its what you want, start to date again. You may also find that being single after your healing is where you want to be. I never thought I could live without my ex partner, but not only did I live but I thrived. My ex, of course, after 9 months of total NC decided he had made a terrible mistake and wanted to come back. The answer was a firm no. You will be ok OP I promise you.[/quote]
That gives me so much hope that I'll be okay. Thank you for telling me there's life on my own after 50 ♥️

OP posts: