TTC and effect on friendships

[egglette]

Would it upset you if a close friend didn't tell you they were trying to have a baby? I'm torn and wondering if I haven't handled this very well, and should have been more open with my friend.

Out of my friends we share the most with each other in terms of what's going on - good/bad. We've known each other a long time and it's good to be able to get into the nitty gritty of things with someone.

For a number of years children have come up on and off. When asked, I'd always said that DH and I would like them at some point but it's hard to know when you're ready. She and her partner do not want children and she's often said once her friends start having children she feels they'll start to go on a different path to her and that will be it. I have always tried to reassure her that even if it will change things in certain respects it wouldn't necessarily be a problem for friendship.

This year DH and I have started TTC. I'm aware it might be quite a lengthy process because I've got some fertility issues. I haven't directly told anyone yet, including her, but she asked a few direct questions recently and when I said it would hopefully be in the next few years she seemed very surprised and asked if we thought we were ready.

After that things felt a little awkward as if I'd been keeping her in the dark and I'm wondering if I've messed up. She does seem quite concerned about being "on a different path" from other things, and it seems like it came a bit out of the blue from me.

Should I have handled it a bit better in being more open about it before now? The truth is that DH don't 100% know if we're ready but we're not sure if we'll ever feel ready, so it's quite a difficult thing to share with others.

she seemed very surprised and asked if we thought we were ready.

How old are you all?

You've presumably confided that you have some fertility issues so even if you are relatively young (for your social group/background) to be ttc, wouldn't she understand you're giving yourselves time.

It seems a bit judgemental and odd. Also everyone's different as people, couples etc abd just because she abd her partner don't feel ready, doesn’t mean anything about anyone else.

I'd ignore it tbh.

You don't need anyone's approval to be ttc or have kids; you're the ones who'll gave to deal with any trials and tribulations, you're the ones who'll have to look after the children you'll hopefully have; I wouldn't let anyone else's opinion about "feeling ready
" matter that much. You're presumably in a stable relationship and in stable financial circumstances (as much at as that can be known) so what's the issue. You tfc when you feel you want to/should; not by other people's agenda.

It's no one's business but yours and you have perfectly good reasons for not having told your friend. It's not your problem that she doesn't want kids and sees her friends having them as being the beginning of the end of their friendship.

I have kids and one of my oldest and closest friends doesn't- it hasn't affected our friendship. Maybe she needs some reassurance about this aspect.

We ttc for a long time. People who didn't know made remarks about whether I wanted a family, which hurt me deeply. And people who did know told me about success stories amongst their family and friends that had no bearing on my situation and also upset me. When something is a big issue for you / others, its easy to feel aggrieved. But you can't take responsibility for other people's feelings. I forgave all those who inadvertently said the wrong thing to me. So you don't need to feel bad about this.

Should I have handled it a bit better in being more open about it before now?

No, it's quite a private thing, you only tell people you're ttc or will be in the near future if you feel you really want to; lots of people don't announce that to others because it's very personal .... and they maybe don't want questions every whupabout about pregnancy etc. - which can be stressful if things don't go super smoothly & easily.

She asked direct questions; you answered honestly. I don't see how you should have approached it much differently.

She sounds like she's already writing off any friends who have kids in terms of ongoing friendship... and that is partly why she reacted the way she did. Which is simplistic and doesnt say much about her friendship skills tbh.

It’s no ones business if you are TTC. Infact I find it quite an odd thing to share, I never told anyone.

It’s almost like she’s decided your friendship will be different once you have children and is writing it off already, rather unfairly.

No one needs to know that you're TTC, it's mostly not of interest to anyone and it's a weird thing to tell your friends.
She's obviously worried about your friendship but that's her issue to resolve not yours.

Noone else needs to know you're TTC. It didn't dawn on me to tell anyone. I suppose if a close friend had asked directly, and it had felt like the right occasion (private place, noone else around...) I might have confided. But it's a very personal thing between you and DH for as long as you want it to be.

I think your friend has created this situation though by being a bit weird about her friends having children. Friends of mine who didn't want children were still friends when others started having them. They paid as much interest as they wanted to in the children, but the friendships were still there. Her hardline stance on this makes me wonder if she isn't so happy about their decision not to have children. If she was happy with it, then she would equally be happy when friends start to get pregnant.

Either that, or she has some experience of someone who completely changed when they had a child, and she thinks everyone will be like that.

I don't think you need to tell anyone but then again it doesn't sound like your friend was nasty, just surprised.

Maybe she's just a bit scared that her friends will stop bothering with her when they have kids. This happens fairly frequently. Understandably as children change everything but it's still upsetting to be on the receiving end of.

Thank you all - that is really reassuring. We're all early 30s, so not an unusual time for children. She has been through a lot with her family and I think she can (understandably) switch to self-preservation mode quite quickly. I suppose all I can do is try to think of ways to convey the message that children needn't be the end of a friendship. Also to try not to take it to heart if she suggests we're not ready/it's too early?