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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mother

3 replies

Damnyoureyes · 23/10/2021 08:39

After the birth of my second baby, he was days old, she and my sister came to see him for the first time.
They sat in their coats in the dining room while I breast fed the baby, waiting for me to finish so I could make them a tea and crumpets.
They said they had come for tea and brought crumpets.
Sat there waiting for me, 3 days after giving birth to serve them.
I said to them to stick the kettle on and shove them in the toaster, but she just shouted back that they would wait for me to do it.
When I said I was a bit busy, she got all huffy and repeated that they would wait for me to do it.

Should have told them both to piss off really but of course I didn’t, I shuffled around the kitchen in pain, not showered, zero sleep and served them like a fucking idiot.

What goes through people’s minds? Are they that bloody blind and self absorbed that they don’t even think about how shit they are being?

They stayed about an hour, drank the tea ate the crumpets and left me the dirty plates and a screaming baby.

Pfffft. That’s just one small example of how shit she is and has been over the years. I could tell you loads of things. I’m short, she has always been a very very difficult person who I have always been frightened of due to her aggression and violence and have had a shitty life. I have kept her at arms length.

She’s old and Health is declining. I am her first port of call for anything she needs doing and it secretly grates on me.
I do the practical stuff for her. Everything she asks of me.
When someone has been a crap person all those years then needs you, it IS a challenge isn’t it to swallow it all down and do the decent thing.
Anyone similar?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 23/10/2021 11:00

Well, you dont have to swallow it. Maybe think about why you do?

My dad has been a less than perfect father and now has dementia. I do help support him but on my terms. He doesnt come first with me, just like I didn't come first with him for all those years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2021 11:37

What are your boundaries like here, they are way too low and toxic people like your mother and sister (she is likely to be both a carbon copy of her as well as more favoured) are taking advantage of that and making you feel miserable. And no you do not have to roll over and otherwise take it for the next goodness knows how long. Stop doing stuff for her going forward; drop the rope your mother holds out to you. You do not owe her anything let alone a relationship here.

You do not mention your dad here; is he in your life at all now?.

You seem absolutely mired in fear, obligation and guilt and those are three buttons your mother installed in you. Have a read of the Out of The Fog website and also consider posting on/reading the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread out of these pages.

vajingleberry · 23/10/2021 13:01

What goes through people’s minds?

What was going through your mind that you shuffled about in pain to wait on these people hand and foot whilst they did nothing?

Should have told them both to piss off really but of course I didn’t

There is no "of course" about it.
Why didn't you?

Sorry if that comes across as harsh, but you were (are?) acting like a complete doormat.

You are a fully grown adult/parent and you need to learn to say no.

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