Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Late bloomer - I feel so abnormal and unhappy

22 replies

PurpleSky300 · 23/10/2021 01:01

So, I just wanted to write down my feelings because I feel like I'm losing my mind and am so unhappy all the time.

Basically, I am a 'late bloomer' (late 20s) - I've never had much confidence or experience with men. I hate my body, I hid away, I was frightened of sex and I just daren't put myself out there. As the years passed, the worse my anxieties seemed to get and I just convinced myself that none of that stuff was for me.

Then I decided to have a go with OLD - and on my first attempt, met a lovely guy. Same age, same interests, everything. I was ambivalent about him romantically, there wasn't much attraction, but I put it down to fear and unrealistic expectations.

I told him my 'story' straight away, he didn't mind, we trundled on and he has not put a foot wrong in almost a year. He is kind, funny, affectionate and everyone I know seems to like him. We eventually had sex, which was nerve-wracking but not unpleasant.

After that, I had a weird sort of crisis. In some ways I wasn't as scared - I realised sex wasn't the big deal I'd made it in my head. But I didn't really 'enjoy' it and as time has gone on, I feel more and more platonic towards him. We are like friends and the thought of being physical now makes me cringe a bit, I just do not want it.

Now I'm trying to back out of the situation I've got myself into, whilst feeling ungrateful (he is so nice) and weird (who doesn't like sex?) and terrified about having to start over again and go through all those anxieties again with someone else. I'm a coward and I don't know how to say it. He will think that it is fear and inexperience and just me running away.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 01:06

If its not doing it for you then its not doing it for you.

Assuming it's just an incompatibility. But maybe it's that he doesn't do enough to pleasure you? A lot of guys will take advantage of your inexperience by skipping foreplay. Which most women need in order to enjoy the full extent of things.

Finally, just checking, you feel secual attraction to people. Like you've seen actors and thought about what it would be like yo kiss them ect..? Just checking you aren't perhaps gay or asexual.

WotWhyWhen · 23/10/2021 01:14

I think op that you should research Asexuality. IME it often part ers with feelings of self doubt and thinking of yourself as weird, not normal etc. But Asexuality is perfectly normal.

I realised sex wasn't the big deal I'd made it in my head. But I didn't really 'enjoy' it and as time has gone on, I feel more and more platonic towards him. We are like friends and the thought of being physical now makes me cringe a bit, I just do not want it.

Ask yourself how often you have known someone you've wanted to sleep with. How many times have you seen a celeb on TV and felt aroused, day dreamt of sex with them etc.

It.may not be the case you are asexual, but it is definitely worth looking into to 'rule it out' so to speak.

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 23/10/2021 01:19

I do feel sexual attraction towards men, yeah.

You are right about the foreplay - not really there, everything is fast, both feeling pressured sometimes. I think the issue is more than the mechanics though. I feel like a more confident/ experienced person would have picked up on the incompatibility quickly and just not pursued it - but I was so surprised to find someone nice, and I wanted something to 'grow'. I've doubted my every instinct and it made me feel like something was wrong with me.

OP posts:

Egghead68 · 23/10/2021 01:45

You don’t fancy him so I think you have to bite the bullet and tell him, as kindly as you can, that the relationship isn’t working for you.

PennyWus · 23/10/2021 02:01

That cringe factor will soon turn to irritation and eventually resentment. Because you never really fancied him. You need to end the relationship, soon because if he is a nice guy you'll feel like a heel making him sad.

End this relationship, and go back to OLD with your eyes open. You want to find someone you fancy a little bit. When you find someone to have great sex with, it is life changing.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 02:17

Tbf though not many people are going to be compatable with men that thibk its OK to just skip foreplay and start hammering away.

A lot of guys try that shit tbh. And if we haven't been in that situation before then we might not know that it's not acceptable. Movies have a lot to answer for too tbh. Rarely do you see the stuff before sex in films that women oftem need (Let alone in porn films).

ravenmum · 23/10/2021 11:51

Basically, I am a 'late bloomer' (late 20s) - I've never had much confidence or experience with men. ... After that, I had a weird sort of crisis. In some ways I wasn't as scared - I realised sex wasn't the big deal I'd made it in my head. But I didn't really 'enjoy' it
... feeling ungrateful (he is so nice) and weird (who doesn't like sex?)
I think you need to have another epiphany. You've realised that sex was not such a big deal after all - which is brilliant! - but you're still in that mindset that you're weird. You need the epiphany that you're not weird at all, and that this is how anyone would feel having sex with someone they didn't fancy. And that normal people like you end relationships every day, and feel a bit bad about it, but do it anyway because what would it be like if we all had to marry the first guy we slept with as it was too awkward ending it?

Lots of people do lose their virginity early, even before 16, but that doesn't mean everyone should. Google says that supposedly 1 in 8 people are virgins until age 26, and that age of virginity loss may be partly genetic. Unfortunately, some do feel pressured to have sex earlier than they are ready, but you felt an urge to start OLD at the time that was right for you. That's much nicer. Not weird.

ravenmum · 23/10/2021 11:59

I should add that I thought I was a late bloomer at 23, and that image I had of myself did me no good at all, as I always assumed my partner was more experienced than me, and trusted his opinions and advice over my own ideas. If I'd had more partners before I got married, I might have had higher standards. The guy I did marry is not a total dick, but it's only since we divorced that I did what I should have done in my 20s and dated a few different men, and discovered that I could have been with someone far more compatible.

category12 · 23/10/2021 12:03

Maybe you should try counselling?

He's the first guy you've been with, I wouldn't write off sex on that.

ThePlantsitter · 23/10/2021 12:07

You need to finish it with this man. It's not working is it? And that's ok.

I was a 'late bloomer' too but chatting to friends much later on in my early 40s I realised I 'bloomed' no later than most and much earlier than others. No need to put a label on yourself. If you can, you should relax about this stuff and concentrate on other areas of your life because that's when the relationship stuff happens. It's an unfortunate paradox.

honeylulu · 23/10/2021 13:14

You're in not a bad place actually.
You've got rid of your "virginity millstone" and sex itself is no longer a big deal.

The reasons you probably aren't enjoying it seem fairly obvious.
Your current partner isn't very good at it.

You aren't very attracted to him (this can have a huge effect especially for women).

You don't owe him to continue the relationship. Firmly and pleasantly end it and carry on exploring!

SpringheelJack · 23/10/2021 13:29

I think the issue is more than the mechanics though. I feel like a more confident/ experienced person would have picked up on the incompatibility quickly and just not pursued it - but I was so surprised to find someone nice, and I wanted something to 'grow'. I've doubted my every instinct and it made me feel like something was wrong with me.
This board is filled with people trying to convince themselves that the relationship they're in can be saved/improved/rescued if they just manage things right. You're definitely one among many there, even if the specifics are different! I don't doubt it's hard to break up with someone who is, fundamentally, a nice bloke. But now that you've come this far, and got an actual relationship under your belt, don't waste your or his time if you know it's not right. Maybe you'll find someone you are more sexually compatible with, maybe you'll figure sex isn't really for you - but you can't continue with something that isn't working just because you feel bad breaking up with him. And certainly not because there's something 'wrong' with you for not being into it. It's a fact that you aren't into it, so you need to respond to that - don't waste your energy beating yourself up about what that 'means' about you. It means you're not into it. Tell him he's great, but your feelings have changed and so it's better if you both go your separate ways.

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 25/10/2021 21:27

Thank you so much for your replies, I've read some of them many times. They make me feel less strange and more hopeful for what the future might bring. I'm really grateful.

OP posts:

lomoloko · 25/10/2021 21:34

Spend some time with your own body, finding out what you really enjoy. There's no reason to think this one bloke holds all the gifts of pleasure.

You'll be fine, you know. You're fine. x

makelovenotpetrol · 26/10/2021 07:25

I have no idea what a late bloomer is.
Mostly because I don't think it is a thing. People are people and everyone is different. You're not weird or strange - why do you think you are? What is it that you think makes you strange?
I'm married for a long time and I only had sex with two other people before my DH. I dont think that's weird, it's what I wanted and what I felt right about, but I don't know anyone who's had sex with as few a people as I have. Its just the way people are - judge yourself more kindly my dear because you deserve more from yourself!

And if you're not into sex with someone then you don't have to stay and have sex with them.

NellieBertram · 26/10/2021 07:29

You’re still young. You’re totally normal!

It’s normal to find yourself in relationships you get bored of or grow out of. It’s no one’s fault.
End it, move on.

ravenmum · 26/10/2021 08:57

If he really is nice, and you tell him clearly that he is not the one for you, maybe he'll respond nicely, rather than assuming he knows better than you and thinking you're just afraid. But it might be a good idea to prepare for that so you have a firm response.

It sounds as if perhaps you see yourself as being a bit helpless or inept as you lack experience? If that is the case, remember that you have been entirely in control of your choices so far. You kept away from relationships until you were good and ready. Then you went out boldly and picked up a decent guy - just like that - and now you're sensibly considering what best to do next. You're in charge.

You might not have a truckload of experience in relationships yet, but you're smart and actively trying to learn. How many other partners had this guy had before you met, for instance? One - like you now? A handful, but he still hasn't grasped foreplay? Sounds like you've caught up with him already.

Next time you're on OLD I heartily recommend trying a brief, fun fling - have a great time!

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 02/11/2021 18:34

Well, I ended things. It went well (as well as it could) - onwards and upwards!

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 02/11/2021 19:01

I was ambivalent about him romantically, there wasn't much attraction, but I put it down to fear and unrealistic expectations

You knew from the start that you weren't really into him, but you minimised and rationalised those feelings. That's disrespecting yourself, you know. Disrespecting your true instincts about who you want to put parts of them into parts of you, physically. If you're going to respect any part of yourself, let it be that; the instinctive knowledge that we all have about who we want to be intimate with.

As long as you make sure that whenever you're being intimate with someone, you're doing it because you really want to, rather than because you think you should, or because you think someone else would in your position, or because you think it would be the 'normal' thing to do, you'll be fine. All the issues you've had in this relationship have been due to you not really wanting him enough, and that's fine; many of us have done that! But respect your instincts from now on; it's not easy to find someone who turns you on and is also a good idea for a relationship, but it is do-able. If it doesn't happen for you for a while, that's fine too. There's no rush: happy is the goal.

SpringheelJack · 02/11/2021 20:35

Well, I ended things. It went well (as well as it could) - onwards and upwards!
🥳🥳 There'll be ups and downs, but progress is better than stagnating in a situation you aren't happy in.

ravenmum · 03/11/2021 08:32

Well done! You handled that well.

gannett · 03/11/2021 10:40

Well done OP.

Just wanted to also say that everything you went through is perfectly normal. Many might go through that in their late teens or early 20s - start a first relationship with someone who seems like the only person who understands them, ignoring some of the longer-term incompatibilities. And it's pretty common to think of a first boyfriend fondly for being the person you needed at that stage of your life - even if they weren't the person you needed long-term. Life is about gaining experience and you've done that.

The great thing about being a late bloomer, I've found, is that when you get to the age when a lot of your peers are looking a bit jaded and ground down, you still feel as if you're coming into your prime.

Flip