Why have all these things happened like this? I have lost all hope

[Deeeeeeks]

I feel totally defeated. I’m 36 (and three months).

7 years ago I was living with someone. He left to take a job in Australia. I couldn’t go with my work and so that was that. I was heartbroken. I loved living with him and I thought we’d had a happy home.

I then met someone who was married, unbeknown to me for 15 months. When I found out I was absolutely devastated. I’d laughed so much with him, been so happy, then I found that out one afternoon and never spoke to the twat again. It was traumatic for obvious reasons and took me a while to recover.

I then met someone who was divorced, living alone, seemed keen to meet the right person. He was horribly, horribly abusive. He threatened to throw me down stairs, silent treatment, pushed me around. Had a very early miscarriage with him and eventually left. I was a shell of a person.

Some time later I met someone lovely. A great man. He treated me well and really wanted the relationship to work. Due to my work circumstance I had to move abroad after a year (I could have chosen not to but it would have been a huge thing to turn down for someone I had met only a year before and I was only going for 6 months). I broke his heart by saying I wanted us to be apart during this time. I was a complete idiot - I didn’t think it would work well with different time zones and frankly I wanted a bit more freedom before coming home to him as it felt like he was the real deal. I was an idiot. In this time he had a one night stand and ended up having a child with this person. When he told me he was in bits, said he wanted us and he didn’t know what to do but obviously wanted to be with the child. I cut ties because it was horribly complicated and I’ve never heard from him since. This was on me though. I should never have forced a break up while I was working abroad.

I was broken by all this. Had some therapy. Then met someone great around a year and a half ago. Got on well, I had moments of happiness I had never had before. He said he felt the same, in love etc. But basically he wouldn’t commit to a future in any sense, didn’t want to move in any time soon, was talking about taking a job hours away with no mention of us in there. I asked if he wanted a proper commitment with me and he said he didn’t know because everything was getting on top of him. We argued a bit for a couple of weeks and eventually two months ago I said I couldn’t carry on like this and maybe he needed to reflect on things. He agreed. I haven’t heard from him since. This is someone I really thought I’d go the distance with. I’m confused and sad.

I’ve tentatively started browsing online again and talking with a few people and it just feels utterly hopeless. I feel broken. I don’t think I can take any emotional trauma anymore. Some people don’t even experience a tenth of what I have here. I know people who have been in relationships for much longer than all of these relationships I’ve had. I’m matching with people I have nothing in common with when we end up speaking.

I feel like this is just never going to happen for me now, especially with all this horrible history behind me, who would want me? It’s all too much and I’m too old.

I feel defeated. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated.

OK I say this with love… pull yourself together. You are 36. You will meet someone. I met my DP at 36 & I appreciate him and relationship so much because of all the crap I went through before him.

You will know when it’s right. There will be no drama or anxiety. It will happen if you allow space for it to. Don’t match unless you have something in common for starters. Be more cut throat. Not committed to a future. Bye bye 👋🏻

If you want children it might be time to think about options, e.g. egg freezing, solo parenthood. It’ll take the pressure off. Knowledge is power!

Oh OP I'm sorry, you have had some really bad luck.

I'm really the last person for dating advice as I've been happily single for 8 years now (but with FWBs) I don't want to say something trite like "you'll find someone when you least expect it" but I will say that it sounds like you really need to stop actively looking right now because it's not doing your MH any favours.

You mentioned you had therapy previously - do you feel this helped your approach to romantic relationships or were you more focused on resolving trauma? Could you revisit therapy but perhaps with more of a coaching-type style to help you map out what you want, what you don't want, and a plan of action on how to get it? I'm suggesting this approach because it sounds like your career is important to you and that generally suggests you are goal-oriented.

You sound very self aware, intelligent and driven - you are a total catch, you just need to find the right man at the right time 💐

What are your thoughts on solo parenting by choice via a sperm donor? I think it'd be a good idea to get your fertility checked out so that you know where you stand and are in a better position to make informed choices.

You've been through a lot Op, and I'm sorry it's not worked out how you'd expected it to. I've been off dating apps for a while, the whole experience on them really affected my self esteem so I'm on an extended break.

With all due respect op, what you are describing is a normal relationship history. People come and go throughout life. It's very rare to meet someone in your 20s and still be with them in your 90s in this day and age.

It sounds like you've had various longterm and short term things. Learned and grown from each experience and moved on when the time came. So I don't really understand why you thibk you're doing anything wrong or why you think your life hasn't measured up relationship wise to others.

You aren't too old. People have relationships well into old age.

Unless you are referring to kids. In which case you could have another 10 years left. Not that kids are an indication of a happy relationship for many ppl tbf.

Stop being hard on yourself. You've done nothing wrong. There will be more men throughout your life. Maybe even one that lasts a long time. Or several.

Remrber that uou are complete in yourself though. Other ppl... just add some flavor.

Hi gorgeous! Honestly this happened to me! My Godmother rang me to say that i should stop being so fussy with boyfriends as i would end u on my own, i was 30. The next week i literally met the love of my life whereas her daughters had met and married young to wasters, abusers and layabouts but were "married"

The reason i say this is that the best is yet to come. Dont settle for 2nd best, something so much better is waiting for you. Please have faith xxx

As pp said this relationship history sounds totally normal. Actually it sounds good - you clearly are great at meeting people, and forming relationships. You don't seem to have an issue being attracted to "the wrong types", as for the most part the relationships have been with nice normal guys and have ended due to circumstance. So there is no reason you won't meet someone very soon.

You're not alone OP, i've had some pretty awful experiences but come through the other side now, that being that I'm happier on my own and don't want a relationship. Don't get me wrong I was full of hope initially but I just can't be bothered now and I'm at peace with it. It annoys me when people come out with pacifiers saying you'll meet someone. There's no way anyone can know that! My advice to you would be to concentrate on yourself, stop looking, just make happiness your main aim. Single people can be happy and content it's true! Go with the flow in life, if you meet someone by chance great, if you don't then still great.

I don’t know what the future holds but I found DH once I stopped looking for Mr Right, I quit online dating and decided I’d instead focus on living a life I’d be happy with. A life which centred a plan B instead of running about finding a man and getting miserable.

Once I wasn’t obsessing about ‘the one’, I realised a colleague of mine was turning into more than just a work colleague. He was never the sort of man I’d previously chased after online. However I was happy already on my plan B.

I know online dating works for some but to me just living a real-life, going out and having fun with friends will a) cheer you up and b) expose you to real people and their real selves and not their fake online presence.

People tend to mess you about less if you meet someone via someone you know. It’s much easier to lead someone on when there’s no social consequences when you’ve met someone online.

I think numbers 2 & 3 are bad luck! In numbers 1 & 4 you mention work- I wonder if that is given too much priority for you? My initial thought when I read your post was that perhaps you called it number 1 because work was more important in your life at that time; it’s difficult to know at what point you put someone in the bracket of ‘family’ when dating/in a relationship but what struck me about your post was that if i had a work decision to make and was seeing someone I really really thought was maybe ‘the one’ I would put my relationship first. As long term the potential family would be my priority, not my current work situation. I agree with pp that you seem very capable of meeting people which is fabulous & a great positive so I think you shouldn’t give up hope and you will meet someone! When you do, make your long term aims your priority over the here & now xoxox

Thanks. I am not doing very well at the moment.

I think it’s mainly as most of my friends and colleagues are very settled or at the very least in a strong partnership. I’m this age and haven’t even begun that? It feels scary and shit.

I’m hurt that it’s been 7 weeks and no word from the ex. But not in a way I want him back, in a way where I think how the fuck did I believe he wanted a future for him to let me go as easily as he did? It’s really messed with my head, I feel absolutely defeated. There’s nobody online I like the sound off, and I do give people a chance and speak on the phone/meet for a drink etc. If I don’t date then as many people say, I won’t find anyone on the sofa.

I’m pretty low and feel so old.

Of not off

You definitely aren’t old that’s for sure! I think the fact you’ve met more than one person who you could’ve seen a possible future with is a great positive- it seems you meet people easily and thats quite rare I think! Also I have a couple of friends who are single but they have very set ideas on what they want in a long term partner and they don’t meet this magic man. I fear they never will & don’t realise that some compromise is very likely necessary- you don’t have this situation and whilst it is a cliche you will meet someone! I had a long term relationship before my current DH and I was devastated when it ended; never in a million years did I think I’d meet DH. Infact even on our 1st/2nd/3rd date I remember telling my best friend it wasn’t going to be anything special and I’d never meet anyone etc etc. I’m sure you will and it will probably be when you least expect it! Please don’t be down hearted and age wise you are not old at all you still have time. It might be worth looking at fertility options as like pp said it will give you more time for that. There’s a disconnect between our peak fertility age & modern life but but you can extend your options there xxxx

With man number 4, I think you made a mistake. If I really liked someone after 6 months and had the option to work abroad or not, I wouldn't have gone. So maybe you are not prioritising relationships as much as you think you are?

With men 2 and 3, were there red flags looking back? I can't imagine not noticing a partner was not really available all that much, for instance (re the married man). What reasons did he give? And how long did you give the abuser?

And now you have only been broken up for 7 weeks. It's not surprising you feel low.

It sounds like you meet men easily which is good. Maybe take some time out or have some therapy to think over what has happened with these past relationships and work out how you will act going forward when you meet someone new.

Yes, most of us have a relationship history but we probably also look back and see the mistakes we made. I certainly do. It's not necessarily bad luck - I believe we make our own luck. Be clear in yourself about what you want, be aware of the red flags, communicate clearly and don't allow things to develop with the wrong person.

And get over your latest loss first. Once you have made peace with it, you'll be in a better position to hopefully meet someone new.

Hi Op,
I'm sorry you're going through the grief cycle (by the sounds of it) ...

I'm not here to preach about my choice but I hope it offers a different insight to the possibilities.

I'm a solo mother by choice to be (via a sperm donor), currently 32 weeks pregnant. I was divorced aged 36 and 'spat out' on to the dating market. It was a horrific shock to discover how many men weren't interested in anything serious (having been married/done the mortgage thing/had children) already. I also struggled with meeting anyone I was attracted to...I was distressed at the possibility of not having children (at that point) if I didn't meet someone in time.

To cut a long story short, I got into a fun/loving but ultimately pointless situation with someone for 2 years. We loved each other but were at different life stages (he was much younger than me), which dictated the inevitable outcome.

Aged 38, the 'situanship' with that partner ended, and I decided to do some fertility checks tests. It was discovered I had/have a blocked fallopian tube although my ovarian reserve was very good for my age. I was advised to go straight for IVF due to this issue and age but I attempted IUI first (intrauterine insemination) - it failed. The procedure has around 15/20% success rate for my age at the time. I took a 6 month break and this year in February did IVF. Extremely fortunate that it's worked the first time and all is going well (chances of success less than 30% or so).

I recall very acutely the despair/fear/dread of missing out on motherhood. Now knowing what I know regarding fertility, I would very likely have had issues conceiving within a partnership due to the blocked tube (only discovered at the fertility checks never would have known otherwise)! For me, it took a paradigm shift in terms of what's more important: child or a relationship. I simply was not prepared to keep dating (aged 38/39) in the vague hope I'd meet someone and then go through all the stages of 'escalating a relationship' to potentially end up with a future faker/someone incompatible (wasted fertility time), plus I was still harbouring feelings for my previous partner. I was 'emotionally bankrupt' and totally drained by the dating game at this point.

I sat down and thought about things: I have my own home (mortgaged), a good job, good support network (no family nearby but available online) a good friend nearby though, I'm in good health. I'd say I'm quite resilient/self-reliant so I will work things out (paid child care) and generally manage life. I see it as an adventure rather than something to feel sorry about. I have had relationships some good some bad but they all ended and I needed to be realistic regarding fertility.

Don't get me wrong there have been tough moments but certainly no regret. Once I'm settled, I'd love to give dating a go again but this time without the pressures of cohabitation/children (I've no desire to be married again).

Single mothers by choice are a small but growing group, and there's a lot of support /resources available to help you navigate this option (if you're interested). PM for more details on my journey. Some really good advice on here from other posters in terms of managing grief.