Kids Surnames

[cool4cats2020]

Not sure exactly where to post this, but relationships seems to the most apt (NC, maybe a bit ironic lol).

My kids all have my ex's surname - ex insisted on it when we had children (we weren't married at the time, or indeed later). I don't know why I didn't stand up to it more firmly at the time, I wasn't really happy about it. Suppose I was just quite submissive back then, and didn't want to cause a confrontation during the pregnancy.

Now we've been separated about 5 years, and the kids are now 7,9 and 12. They live with me full time (stay with my ex every other weekend), by court order. But it irks me more than ever that my kids have a different last name to me. Quite often when giving our names for formal stuff I get a raised eyebrow response and people asking me to clarify my relationship to the kids.

So I'd quite like to get the kid's last names changed officially to 'double barrel' them - not lose my ex's name completely, but to add mine as well. I don't think that's unreasonable, but my ex is pretty difficult, and I'm sure me asking for the name change will lead to aggro. We generally communicate ok now, for the sake of the kids (tolerate each other I suppose), but there's been a lot of issues in the past where my ex has kicked off over much more trivial matters. I strongly suspect I'll end up having to take my request to court to get it approved, I think that's the process if other parent doesn't agree?

I've been thinking about this matter for quite a while, and never had the courage to raise it with my ex. Does it seem like an unreasonable request? Is it worth the hassle, or should I just suck it up and live with it, having (begrudgingly) agreed to it back at the beginning?

Go for it. Have your children expressed an opinion on the subject ?

What do your DC think?

It’s definitely reasonable and worth doing. Not sure how much hassle it would be.

You’ve got nothing to lose by bringing it up.

You can take it to court, doesn’t sound like he will agree, I have heard of people getting the name changed to both successfully through court, I have the opposite my dd has both mine and exes surname and I want to remove his as he is absent but been told that court would never agree to fully remove a name so having to wait till she’s 16 😒

It's not unreasonable but is it really worth the hassle and expense of going to court over it?

I'd take it to court if he doesn't agree. I ended up doing this, and the court sided with me as DS lived with me

It’s definitely worth it!

Ask the kids, they are old enough now to make their own choices.

Good idea about asking the kids. Only thing is that they can't keep a secret (not my secrets, but they keep telling me stuff that my ex asks them not to). So she'd probably hear it from them before me, which wouldn't be ideal.

Or you could change your name to match theirs and the ex can't stop you!

Would you consider double barreling your own name to include theirs? Im sure doing you own name by deed poll would be easier?

I’m not sure many people would want to change their surname to their exes especially if they don’t get on I would hate that 😂

@TurnUpTurnip

I’m not sure many people would want to change their surname to their exes especially if they don’t get on I would hate that 😂

No, but if he refuses to let the kids incorporate the OP’s surname, the reply ‘OK, I will change my name to theirs’ followed up by ‘haha I’ll be Mrs ex, just like your DW’ IF he does have a partner with his name might just make him change his mind pdq.

I never changed my name so my kids have my H’s name. It’s really not as huge a deal and no one raises eyebrows really. There are lots of families where women don’t change names.
I did have once a difficult person at the airport passport control. But your kids are old enough and they would just ask them these days. Or you can have their birth certificates.

The reason I am saying all this is because you seem to be intent on making some point to your ex via this. And I don’t think your kids care really. It’s just the name they are growing up with.

Changing names is a bigger thing. And double barrelled names are cumbersome at best and often pretentious at worst.
Can’t you take your resentment of your H at him in some other way?

Btw I grew up with my alcoholic father’s name. Barely saw him growing up. Mom divorced him when I was small. She had a different name. As a kid I never gave it any thought at all. I didn’t think of my last name as meaning I had some affinity to my dad. I didn’t like him.
I still have the same name, incidentally. Just a matter of habit.

I couldnt be bothered if was me.. changing documents etc... its not that unusual to have different surnames.. mine do. Never had a raised eyebrow.. is a bit petty

I believe OP's ex is female.

As is mine OP, & our kids have her name too. I have the same name officially though I've kept my maiden name on anything private/unofficial.

If the kids want to become double-barrelled I don't see why you shouldn't go down that route. Good luck

Sincere apologies for making an assumption. .

I still think ‘ok, I’ll take the kids’ surname’ might possibly work, depending on her outlook.

@EdgeOfTheSky

Sincere apologies for making an assumption. .

I still think ‘ok, I’ll take the kids’ surname’ might possibly work, depending on her outlook.

She'd actually love it if I took 'her' surname. Even though it's not even her own family name, but her ex husband's that she took when she married him, and then kept after they divorced (mainly to annoy him). It's certainly not something I'd try to call her bluff over.

In terms of the admin involved, it'd be far less involved altering the kids names to changing my own. The number of places I'd have to update my records would be endless, kids hardly any.

Double barreling the kids names just seems like a best of both compromise.