Would it be better for me to stay single?

[RelationshipOrNot]

Sorry, this ended up being quite long.

I've had several short- and medium-term relationships (which have all ended when one or both of us has fallen out of love with the other) but have never been in a longer-term relationship or married, and don't want to have children. I'm in my thirties and I've been single for several years now. I would like to get into a new relationship, but I'm not sure if it's fair on a potential partner. Since my last relationship, I've been diagnosed as autistic (something I'd suspected for a while) and it's given me a lot of insight into my behaviour and reactions, but has also made me realise that trying to get used to situations that make me uncomfortable is pointless (like how I hate going out to certain kinds of places, or certain kinds of unexpected plans). I used to force myself out of my comfort zone, but it never got any easier, and now I know why that is I just refuse instead and am a lot happier. To a certain extent, knowing has also helped me control my reactions - I have a point beyond which I can't, but there's definitely a bit more leeway where I can tell myself "this is getting to you so much because of the autism, try to stay calm" instead of just getting upset instantly. So far, so positive.

However. I've read a lot of articles and threads online about NT people's difficulties in relationships with people with autism (including the long-running support threads on here which have been so useful to read), and I think in a lot of ways that I will never be able to be a good long-term partner. I will never enjoy or be willing to do lots of the things that people talk about as a normal part of life (most holidays, many situations involving crowds or unfamiliar food that I don't feel is safe, regular big family gatherings, or living in a noisy, rambunctious household), and I can see myself becoming one of those partners who makes the other one feel like they're boxed in, if they like carefree travel for example. Obviously I don't want to do that to someone, and I take it on board when people wonder why their autistic partner sought out a relationship in the first place when their worldview is so inflexible.

Do you think it would be better for me to stay single? I am generally happy, and like I said I don't want children so there's no imperative for me to get into a relationship beyond simply wanting to. My good points in relationships are that I'm straightforward and loyal, I'm affectionate physically (and try my best verbally), I'm not possessive or jealous about my partner's time, friendships, hobbies, etc. (and expect the same in return), and I try my hardest to enter into my partner's interests (if they want). I would not make them feel like they were unappreciated or just there to fill a person-shaped space (which I've read about happening in autistic/NT relationships). My bad points are that I can be inflexible about certain things (like if we're meant to be leaving at a certain time), will sometimes get very upset when these things are breached even if I know it's unreasonable, I'm very bad at hiding my emotions to "keep the peace", I will never enjoy certain activities (e.g. most outdoor activities that involve getting dirty or camping or lots of sunlight, although as I said, I'd be perfectly happy for them to do stuff without me), and sometimes I think I'm having an objective discussion with someone about a topic but am actually coming across as argumentative (working on this). When I was younger I used to pretend to be "normal" in relationships and go along with whatever my partner wanted (until I'd break down "out of nowhere" and seem completely unreasonable) but it took such a toll and I find I'm less and less able/willing to these days, especially now I know it won't magically work to make me think/react "normally" if I keep doing it.

Of course there's always the option of finding someone else on the spectrum to date, but I don't know if I'd actively seek that out, as unless their areas of inflexibility coincided with mine I feel like it would cause more problems than it would solve. I could lie here and say I'd understand more, which I guess I would on an objective level, but to be completely honest I'd find it hard to empathise if I thought they were irrational and restrictive on my life (which I know is TOTALLY hypocritical, unreasonable and horrible, but there's no point lying when I'm asking for advice). Also, I prefer to be with someone less socially awkward and more at ease with the world than I am, rather than someone who's also anxious and rigid.

Please be honest here. I don't want to make someone unhappy, and I'm prepared to put in a lot of work to be as good a partner as possible, but I'll understand if people think I should stick to just having friends and not a romantic relationship.

Why does it matter to you what other people think about whether you should seek a relationship? I think that's probably the root of your relationship problems; seeking external validation.

If you want to find a relationship, look for one, but don't look for somebody and then feel you have to 'put in a lot of work'. If it feels like a lot of work, just leave, and find someone easier. It sounds like you think you need to adjust yourself and try hard to fit in with somebody, but the right person will be the one you don't have to try with. I know people say relationships take work, but that shouldn't be the case in the first month or three.

Autism just means you have a finer filter; it might take you more tries to find someone who fits you. But that's just a strong case for dumping people fast! Don't waste any more time on these relationships where you have to try so hard; I think you need to go on a dumpathon, until you find somebody you're so happy with that you can't bear to leave them.

Why does it matter to you what other people think about whether you should seek a relationship?

That's an interesting question - I guess because things that are readily apparent to other people, especially regarding social situations, relationships and how people perceive things, are completely elusive to me, or I only realise much later how something must have come across. I thought it might be extremely obvious to everyone else that I'd be a terrible partner, or wouldn't be, and that I just can't see it, because I am often like that with social things.

I get what you mean about not needing to try in the right relationship. But because I AM awkward and unreasonable about some things, I feel like I should have to try rather than just expect someone to toe the line around my issues. I've realised that I will never be an easy-going person that someone could just fit in around with no friction, so I think it's fair for me to have to work to get along with someone.

I would just take things as they come.

If and when you feel like dating, date. If you don't, don't. And if a partner comes from it, cool. If not, meh.

I dont want kids either so I have no pressure to get into anything longterm personally but I'd like to think I'll have a good relationship or two over the years and maybe some steamy romps. But I'm OK single. People come and go throughout life. A good friendship can be better than a partner sometimes too. Heck, so can a pet.

I'd stop worrying what other ppl think. If the person isn't suitable for you then it won't progress or it will come to a natural end. But maybe you'll have had some fun in the process.

Relationships aren't really an end goal. They are something in flux throughout life. We're kinda lucky that we don't have to tie ourselves to someone past the expiration date relationship wise because we've had kids with them.

Take things as they come, live in the moment and love yourself. Whatever else happens, well, what will be will be.

I get what you mean about not needing to try in the right relationship. But because I AM awkward and unreasonable about some things, I feel like I should have to try rather than just expect someone to toe the line around my issues. I've realised that I will never be an easy-going person that someone could just fit in around with no friction, so I think it's fair for me to have to work to get along with someone

This is all a big mess. You are willing to go into a relationship confident in the knowledge that you are faulty and need to change yourself. No no no. If you get into a relationship and the other person makes you feel awkward and unreasonable, you leave. It's that simple. How could you be awkward and unreasonable in a relationship where the other person accepts you and loves you as you are? You couldn't. You wouldn't.

Finding a compatible partner is hard, but utterly essential to the success of the relationship. If you insist that something is wrong with you, you will put yourself in positions where people fail to meet your needs, and you will blame yourself.

Which is probably the story of your relationship history, isn't it? The most basic relationship need that we all have is to be accepted and welcomed as we are. You're trying to over ride that natural, evolution-driven, essential practicality because you think you're faulty. It's like trying to over ride your own thirst because someone else needs the available water; the other person gets what they need, and you get increasingly miserable and pissed off until you lose your shit altogether.

Why do you insist that you're unreasonable? Surely that depends on who you're trying to reason with?

things that are readily apparent to other people, especially regarding social situations, relationships and how people perceive things, are completely elusive to me

You're trying to judge relationships with your mind. We can't do that; none of us, autism or not. And when we try to, we cock it up. All you have to do is look at how you feel. Feelings are signposts; follow them. 'I feel like I have to change myself in order that this relationship can be happy' is a 'run away' signpost. 'I feel like I can relax and truly be myself with this person, even if that involves me being unreasonable and awkward sometimes' is a 'STOP' sign, telling you to stay there.

You can't 'logic' your way around relationships. Otherwise we'd all choose to fall in love with people who were 'a good idea', and the world would be really different; everyone would be happy with their relationship and we'd have nothing to write films, songs and soap operas about!

I can identify with everything you posted, OP.

It's really, really hard to be autistic. You want a relationship like most people do, but it's so incredibly challenging to be in one for all the reasons you mentioned. Most people are simply not able to deal with an autistic person in a romantic relationship. They tend to just ignore that you have an actual disability and instead try to insist that your autistic traits are personal failings. I can't count how many times I've heard things like 'just try harder' or 'get over it' when I'm already exhausted and at my limit. I had a boyfriend who would try to get me to stay out longer (like really late) at parties because he was having a good time, without understanding the enormous toll it took to have even stayed out as long as I did. He just didn't appreciate the huge sacrifices and effort I made for him at all, and there was mutual resentment because of that.

I think a lot of NT people who say 'just be yourself' miss the point that often autistic behaviour IS very challenging and difficult, and that it's up to us to try to work on it to some extent. It's really hard sometimes to be able to tell if I'm being horrible and unreasonable or whether my partner is holding me to standards that are too high for an autistic person. It's a constant battle.

I don't think though it's right to feel like we don't have the right to find a happy relationship because we're autistic. That doesn't sit right with me. As you noted, autistic women also often have loads of really positive traits, like unfaltering loyalty, direct communication, and an absence of jealous, controlling behaviour. I think there are men who can deal with it, they are just very, very few and far between.

I recently read a book called Drama Queen by Sara Gibbs, an autistic woman who was diagnosed at 32, and she talks about her husband in it. He sounds wonderful and like he totally gets it and loves her for who she is. So men like him do exist. I have no idea where you would go about finding one though.

@TheFoundations

Why does it matter to you what other people think about whether you should seek a relationship? I think that's probably the root of your relationship problems; seeking external validation.

If you want to find a relationship, look for one, but don't look for somebody and then feel you have to 'put in a lot of work'. If it feels like a lot of work, just leave, and find someone easier. It sounds like you think you need to adjust yourself and try hard to fit in with somebody, but the right person will be the one you don't have to try with. I know people say relationships take work, but that shouldn't be the case in the first month or three.

Autism just means you have a finer filter; it might take you more tries to find someone who fits you. But that's just a strong case for dumping people fast! Don't waste any more time on these relationships where you have to try so hard; I think you need to go on a dumpathon, until you find somebody you're so happy with that you can't bear to leave them.

This is just a lack of understanding of what it's like to be autistic, to be honest. Neurotypical relationship advice just doesn't work. I always have to 'put in a lot of work'. Constantly. Just to be able to function at a level most neurotypicals take completely for granted. I find all social interaction extremely tiring and draining, including with close friends and family. I've always found it painfully difficulty to live with anyone else, no matter who. The idea that the right person is someone you don't have to try with doesn't really work for someone who never has had and never will have the option of 'not trying'.

@CecilieRose

I'm autistic.

You are under the same disillusionment as OP.

'Never will have the option of not trying'. How do you know? You can't see into the future, so you can only go on the experiences you've had so far. You've simply decided it's not worth trying for what you want, because you're convinced you're broken. That's the attitude that gets people into unhealthy relationships.

If you really believe there's no relationship available to you in the world in which you won't have to 'try', and change yourself, if you really believe that nobody will accept you as you are, then autistic or NT, you shouldn't be looking for a relationship, because, frankly, who would even want to try to be different from their real self, day in, day out? 'What I'm looking for is a relationship in which I need to fake stuff.' Can you see how unhealthy it is?

The fact that it's painfully difficult for you to live with somebody simply proves that you have chosen the wrong people to live with.

Don't speak as 'the voice of autism' when you are simply relating your own experiences. Not everybody is like you. Speak for yourself, and don't tell people they 'don't understand autism' just because they're not like you. It's bollocks. I don't lack understanding. I just have more insight than you on this.

@CecilieRose I feel like my experiences are somewhat closer to yours - this for instance brings back horrible memories:

I had a boyfriend who would try to get me to stay out longer (like really late) at parties because he was having a good time, without understanding the enormous toll it took to have even stayed out as long as I did.

I agree with you that it's hard to know which things really are me being unreasonable, and which are things that a partner could reasonably be expected to take into consideration (like leaving a party at the agreed time, and not then taking half an hour to say goodbye to everyone). It's the former category I struggle with when it comes to the big question about whether I'm suitable for long-term relationships. Just as an example - if I were stressed or having a bad day and happened to be, say, cooking in the kitchen, if my partner (or whoever I lived with) came in and pottered around, commented on what I was making, took any longer than I felt was necessary to do what they were there for, I would find it very hard not to freeze up, be rude to the point of making them want to leave the room, and possibly burst into tears if they didn't. I don't think it's fair for them to have to live like that. I can now identify this reaction in advance, but I've found that people really don't like it even if you calmly explain that you're in that sort of mood, and offer to leave the room instead until they're finished. I guess that's the other problem, that a lot of the solutions I'm happy to offer (that I leave while they do something that stresses me out, that they go out without me, that I go home alone and they come back whenever they want, etc.) aren't well received by NT people who would see themselves as being pushed away. I suppose if I could find someone who would understand that I need space or other adjustments sometimes without that being any reflection on how I feel about them as a person, then that could work. But yes, I guess that's quite hard to find. Sorry, I'm rambling now.

I will read that book! I'm interested to see what this healthy relationship looks like.

@TheFoundations I'm still not sure, as I really do believe I am unreasonable and hard to live with in ways that aren't ok to expect someone to just put up with - and I don't want to be a bully or abusive to someone. Like my example with the kitchen above (or other similar things, like if they were cleaning loudly where I was - a good, useful, helpful thing to do - I might just snap at them or cry or leave the room if on that particular day I couldn't cope with the noise. That's not an acceptable way to make someone live). I think the best chance would be someone with whom I could discuss things openly before it gets to that stage, but I don't think anyone should have to just accept being treated in the way I might treat them, and I'm not sure that someone who would accept it WOULD be truly compatible with me. It could instead be someone with low self-esteem who was prepared to tolerate ill treatment.

Have you heard of a concept 'together living apart'? You conduct your relationship as per normal just the difference is that you live on your own respective homes.

This model is gaining popularity in particular amongst the divorced individuals who no longer one to pool their financed together/blend families etc., as well women/men who no longer have a desire move in/ share a property 24/7 with their partner.

Nobody should be 'putting in a lot of work to be a good partner', that to me sounds too prescriptive, it isn't a meritocracy competition. It may also come across a forced? You do need to communicate well with a partner and regularly.

@CecilieRose

I'm simply saying that your vast and detailed CV of your own experience isn't the same as everybody's experience, and you ought not to speak as if it is. You are not the voice of autism. You are the voice of your own autism, and your own interpretation of it.

@RelationshipOrNot

It's not about 'making' somebody live in a particular way. If you don't think there's a chance of having a relationship with somebody who is compatible with you, don't have a relationship. If you think that you could find someone compatible with you, then look and look and look until you find them. What you seem to be thinking is that you could meet somebody you're not compatible with, and make it work via 'trying'. You can't. Nobody can.

I think that you actually would need to be with somebody with high self esteem, who would be able to separate your feelings/reactions from their own self-image, ie, not take it personally. So, if they don't get brushed up the wrong way by you, and they're the sort of person who doesn't (too much) brush you up the wrong way... that looks like compatibility. Things are never perfect and we all lose our shit sometimes, but that's ok, and you need a partner who thinks it's ok too.

Autistic or not, viewing yourself with such low self esteem will lead to unhealthy relationships. You'll set your bar low, and reap the rewards of that. Just like the rest of us, you are rare and amazing. Find someone who appreciates that.

[quote TheFoundations]@CecilieRose

I'm simply saying that your vast and detailed CV of your own experience isn't the same as everybody's experience, and you ought not to speak as if it is. You are not the voice of autism. You are the voice of your own autism, and your own interpretation of it.

@RelationshipOrNot

It's not about 'making' somebody live in a particular way. If you don't think there's a chance of having a relationship with somebody who is compatible with you, don't have a relationship. If you think that you could find someone compatible with you, then look and look and look until you find them. What you seem to be thinking is that you could meet somebody you're not compatible with, and make it work via 'trying'. You can't. Nobody can.

I think that you actually would need to be with somebody with high self esteem, who would be able to separate your feelings/reactions from their own self-image, ie, not take it personally. So, if they don't get brushed up the wrong way by you, and they're the sort of person who doesn't (too much) brush you up the wrong way... that looks like compatibility. Things are never perfect and we all lose our shit sometimes, but that's ok, and you need a partner who thinks it's ok too.

Autistic or not, viewing yourself with such low self esteem will lead to unhealthy relationships. You'll set your bar low, and reap the rewards of that. Just like the rest of us, you are rare and amazing. Find someone who appreciates that.[/quote]
And that also applies to you - how do you not see that? You're telling me and OP that we're wrong because YOU don't happen to have the same issues.

It's not about 'compatibility'. It's about not thinking that you don't need to try with the 'right person'. I've long since accepted that I will always need to try, and that it doesn't necessarily mean the person is wrong for me. Think of it as your brain wiring meaning you're incompatible enough with all other humans that there has to be a degree of effort. This makes it much, much harder to be able to see the difference between someone who is bad for you and someone who is good for you but you just need to trust them.

It's not about viewing yourself with low self esteem, it's about being realistic about who you are. I do agree with you that OP would need someone with high self esteem who didn't take it personally if she did things that most neurotypicals would, not unreasonably, find 'mean' or unacceptable.

I don't know about you, but I have meltdowns now and again when the sensory overload gets too much - think a busy airport or pub. I try my best to prevent them but if I'm not able to get myself out of the situation, they happen. And to a bystander it looks a hell of a lot like a horrible woman being abusive and mean to her partner. It's very hard to find someone who truly understands that it is an involuntary medical episode and that nothing said or done during it should be taken personally.

@CecilieRose

I haven't told anybody they're wrong.

@RelationshipOrNot

Sorry for the derail. Hope you get more wide and varied views about your experience, and good luck finding a partner, if that's what you choose to do.

I would just take things as they come. If and when you feel like dating, date. If you don't, don't. And if a partner comes from it, cool. If not, meh.

This. Being in a LT relationship is hard. There's no point unless you really want to be.

@Paq

I would just take things as they come. If and when you feel like dating, date. If you don't, don't. And if a partner comes from it, cool. If not, meh.

This. Being in a LT relationship is hard. There's no point unless you really want to be.

She does want to be. She is afraid it would be unfair to the person and end in misery.

What about a relationship where you didn't live together?

Would that work better for you? So you have lots of your own space but still have someone to have a connection with? Rather than proceeding up the "relationship escalator" into living together and all that jazz, stop at the "dating" stage.

LAT relationships can work.

@category12

What about a relationship where you didn't live together?

Would that work better for you? So you have lots of your own space but still have someone to have a connection with? Rather than proceeding up the "relationship escalator" into living together and all that jazz, stop at the "dating" stage.

LAT relationships can work.

@category12 I agree. This is what I've suggested to Op too - it's something I'd really like to consider going forward (when I decide to embark upon dating again)

OP I'm autistic. Diagnosis later in life the same as you and I can relate to so much of what you have written. Relationships are much more complex for us to navigate because of the miscommunication between NT people and autistic people, and also this guilt that somehow you're not living up to some NT standard of what you "should" be doing. Like you, in many way I found my diagnosis a relief: it explained so much and meant I could be kind to myself and refuse to do things that make me miserable and exhausted, rather than keep bashing my head on that metaphorical wall in the hope that more exposure to those things would somehow make them less hideous for me. It didn't and it never will.

I am in a bit of a different situation to you in that I've had long-term relationships and a marriage. I am single now though and absolutely love it. It's so much easier. I have lots of friends but no desire (for now at least) to look for a partner. I have young children though so they take up all of my emotional energy.

There are many introverted but NT people out there - if you want a partner - who would understand how some of the things you describe like nights out are very draining and often unenjoyable. NT people come in as many different shapes and sizes and personalities as autistic people. I think you need a partner who is introverted, has similar interests, also like quiet and is intelligent enough to be able to research and understand autism and talk to you openly about how your autism affects you so that you can compromise together on things, but nobody has to sacrifice anything major.

So, I agree with the poster saying that with the right person it will not be endless work BUT I agree with the other posters saying that for us it will always be work. Even two NT people together need to work at a relationship to sustain it, any therapist will tell you that. It's naive to think otherwise, in the longer term.

I will certainly never live with a partner again. I love having my own house; just me and my children. I would never try to introduce a new partner into their lives as I think that would be unfair but even with no children I found cohabiting with another adult hard and unpleasant. Much better to see someone when you want to and are not suffering sensory overload, but have your own space, and not be financially dependent on someone else. That way the relationship only continues because you both want it to - so it also gets rid of a lot of the worries about unseen subtext or motives - because you are only ever together to enjoy each other's company and that's it. Not for financial or dependency reasons etc - so many threads about that on here that are so sad.

I think you have every chance of finding a satisfying relationship - if you want one - by being clear in your mind about boundaries. It sounds to me that, like many of us diagnosed later in life, your self-esteem has taken a battering for decades and you blame yourself a lot. NT people have their faults too! Their behaviour is often also unreasonable, everyone's is sometimes. I think you sound like a very kind, loyal, intelligent and self-reflective person and you absolutely deserve to be treated with respect in any relationship, with the other person putting in iust as much effort as you do.

Sorry for all of the typos. I hope it vaguely makes sense to you OP! 😂 SO tired.