Why does she do this?? My Mother

[lolaflores]

Every single time I mention ANYTHING...she makes no comment other than to tell me about someone up the road who had that.
I have ongoing back pain (had it done 9 years ago but seems to be back to square 1)
At the moment, I am walking with a limp
"What's wrong with you?"
"Back is playing up "
"Oh, I was with (insert name of someone ) the other day and she has that..." and off she goes into some convoluted explanation of the over all situation.
Its getting worse the older she gets.

I keep as much as I can out of her reach but it seems even the speed of our internet connection is a topic to have light thrown on it by someones experience.

My DH is being sent overseas for work. Like a fool I mentioned it as it's going to be quite a change to life. Again, no comment on how that a going to work, just a lengthy story about someone she knew once. I finished the call a bit abruptly. As a rule I dont call her because the conversation is so one sided but can anyone help me understand this? If I understood I would get so wound up.

I found I was hogging conversations like this and have mended my ways! Mine was down to subconsciously wanting something interesting to contribute and because I often hadn't spoken to anyone for a couple of days. I'm now much more empathetic (even the equivalent of a there, there dear helps) and ask interested questions. I've since been told what a good listener I am so we can change our ways! Don't know about your mum, though, as she doesn't sound very self aware - have you got another family member you could share with and keep her out of the loop until you've dealt with the issue?

Oh god, I feel your pain. My dad often does this. It makes you feel invisible and unimportant, and it's bloody hurtful. In his case, he's a raging narcissist who has to insert himself into every story and make it relate to him somehow, even if it's your story about how you hurt your back or whatever. I try to just glaze over and think of more pleasant things when he starts, and also just limit the amount of sharing I do. People like this don't change so it's a case of managing it as best you can

I tend to hold back as she mines information elsewhere
And you are probably right about feeling the need to contribute to the conversation. She cant handle a slower pace. It's so overwhelming and I dont feel as if she even listens. Its just noise.
She makes all these strange growls and screeched too. Wont just say hello, but makes this long drawn out howl, "nnnggggg hhiiiiiiiyyeeeee'. Puts my teeth on edge

I get this from my dm. I put it down to a combination of reasons. She sees me as the strong, capable one out of me and my siblings. So even if I am poorly, it does not occur to her to offer sympathy or help because in her eyes, I always cope.

Also, she does it for something to say. It's her way of contributing to the conversation.

Ha. I have a family member who does similar… only she doesn’t even try to relate it to someone else she knows, everything has to be linked back to herself. And I mean everything, she asked how my 20 week scan went, for example, listened blankly while I said it went fine, baby’s healthy etc then seized on me mentioning I’d also had my whooping cough vaccine at the same time to tell me about her entire vaccination history and all the childhood illnesses she had. Nothing about my scan or the baby, just her and her life. It’s tedious but I don’t really know what the answer is.

@lolaflores

I tend to hold back as she mines information elsewhere And you are probably right about feeling the need to contribute to the conversation. She cant handle a slower pace. It's so overwhelming and I dont feel as if she even listens. Its just noise. She makes all these strange growls and screeched too. Wont just say hello, but makes this long drawn out howl, "nnnggggg hhiiiiiiiyyeeeee'. Puts my teeth on edge

This drives me nuts My cousin is increasingly like this Not strange noises but she elongates every word and attaches strange pitches

So "I don't know" has become "eeeeeiii don'tttttt knouuugh". It's hard to explain.

You're much nicer than I am because I don't care why someone might be like you describe your mum

I'd just want them off the phone quickly!

My DM is v. Self absorbed and everything has to come back to her. It's like I cant have anything of my own.
And as time goes along I'm finding it harder to tolerate. Yesterday I actually said
"Mym, I dont care about up the road"
"Well, just hold on till I tell you because ...." and off she went with the bit between her teeth and the wind in her hair.
I just made an excuse and dropped the call.
The other day it was about someones child who had a diagnosis of autism. It wasnt a conversation it was a monologue.
I feel sorry for the person and it must be so hard for them ut 40 minutes of details is more than I necessarily need fhen I feel awful for it but ...

'It wasnt a conversation it was a monologue.'

Spot on - this is my dad. He talks AT me, lectures and pontificates. He can't seem to have a conversation as equals. It's bloody draining

Yes, I get huge monologues about the gynaecological problems my mum’s friends have. I do interject with, “I don’t KNOW these people!” but it does no good. I’ve started pretending to be squeamish.

Everything I say is interrupted with a completely unconnected story of what she did at school in 1958 or whatever. We’ve heard these stories hundreds of times before.

The fact that she can relate other people's stories shows she does know how to listen, just not how to respond appropriately. When up the road talks about her back next time she will probably tell her about yours! I also think its to do with not knowing what to say and possibly worry about saying the wrong thing if she comments to you about your situation. Could you try asking her questions based on what you've said to keep her on track, 'what do you think could be causing the pain?' 'Do you think it would be a good move for us?' Etc?

I have a relative I care for who goes one step further and relates all experiences to cats she has owned. My DS broke his arm, oh Tiddles broke her leg, I've got a thyroid problem, oh Puss had that, etc etc. It's exhausting but quite funny when I'm not feeling infuriated

My mum does this. She's got worse as she's got older. Annoys The hell out of me.

Ph Terrible Zebra. Poor Tidddles' broken limbs.Bless him. And the thyroid. What bad luck.
I have become more and more irritated by it lately and less able to deal with it calmly.
Added to which, any topic mentioned she knows all about it cos there was an article in The Daily Mail once.
Schizophrenia?
Yep. K now all about that.
My daughters partner has recently had a psychotic episode and DM was self appointed expert because of an article she read once.
Even if I try to have a give and take conversation she ends up in this domineering stance of taking up all the "space" to the exclusion of everything.

Its exhausting. And I dread her phone calls

Believe it or not, your mother probably believes she is empathising.

I tend to do what you’ve described (see, I’m doing it here! ) - maybe not *every time, but a lot, and TBH it took a random post I read recently (not on here) for me to realise that people don’t like it. I’ve done it all my life. The post in question suggested it’s typically an ADHD or autistic trait, either or both of which may be the (undiagnosed) explanation in my case. I have no idea whether this is the case with your DM, although tbh the screeching thing does sound a bit autistic, but I guess it could equally well just be lockdown loneliness or being out of the habit of talking to other people - as a PP suggested, not knowing what else to contribute to the conversation.

But I think I can shed light on what’s going on in her brain when she does it. It’s something like this.

You: I’ve got a bad back.
(Your DM’s brain: Right, the topic is bad backs. This is like one of those interview questions, ‘Tell us about a time when you experienced a bad back.’ I’ve never really had back trouble myself but I really want to show I understand.)
Your DM: Oh no, that’s awful. I know just how you feel because Moira at no. 25 had a bad back last year and she was in a terrible way for ages, I had to get her shopping for her.
(Your DM’s brain: Nailed it!)

She’s ‘relating’. She’s trying to show that she ‘gets it’ by recounting her own experience of it, even if that has to be at one remove. It was a literal REVELATION to me that this isn’t what people want! Possibly because if I was in the position of the bad-back-haver, and another person responded to me in the way that I’m guessing you want (and that I’m really, really working on!) - something along the lines of ‘Oh no, poor you, that’s awful. Are you in a lot of pain? Have you been to the doctor? What did they say? Is there anything I can do to help?’ - I would almost certainly find it weird and intrusive. Whereas if they made a few brief sympathetic noises and then told me about Moira, I’d be totally ok with that! I’d probably hope that they remembered enough to ask me how my back was next time we spoke, but that would be all the spontaneous empathy I’d be after. Unless I genuinely needed some kind of practical help, in which case I’d ask for it.

I think it’s just two very different ways of looking at the world and ‘empathising’, and I’m slightly horrified by people saying they avoid talking to their mothers because they do this!

I get that this is irritating. But my mum died of cancer 8 years ago in her 60s despite her parents having lived to a ripe old age. I would give so much to have her at the end of a phone saying annoying things.

Few options-

She doesn't really know what to say to you
She's gone off on a tangent in her head
She doesn't really listen to you
You are cautious and so don't spell out what you want. Eg DH is going away I don't know how that will work and I'm a bit worried

Mine is in the don't care camp and I had haven't told her anything for years or my dad. Big stuff like pnd, promotion at work etc etc.

The wiffling on about randoms seems to be a thing a lot of people do as they get older. DH dad is terrible for this.

You remember Dave Smith he used to come round sometimes when you were little
No
You know he had the blue car and worked for the post office
Nope
Oh well anyway his nephew has had a bit of trouble with his work. Etc etc etc.

Two different things here I reckon.

If it really pisses you off about the not interested in you part.
Just stop expecting/ trying.
I know it's horrible and I keep trying but always disappointed/ upset.
I just give bland answers now. I'm fine.. Kids are fine. DH is fine. Work is fine etc etc.

Like Dery says above DM was the same. She lead a dull life following the death of DF and I think she thought those anecdotes about every man and his dog let her contribute to the conversation. She didn’t know how to hold a two way conversation. Yes, it drove me mad but I’d give anything to hear about Joan up the road’s daughter’s cat just once more.

You'll probably find that when she is talking to these other people, she talks to them about you....Oh yes Lolaflores has got that problem too.....let me tell you all about it .....

My sister is the same, she can talk for two hours about every neighbour's problem, what they all said, all their dramas, and at the end of the phone call if I asked her how I'm going she wouldn't know because I haven't been able to get one word in . I don't know the answer, I think it's because these people have little in their lives so they "adopt" their neighbour's lives and spew them out so they have something to say.

Yep I'm giving bland answers now to my self absorbed parents as when I've tried sharing stuff with them in the past they've either diverted from the subject or just told me 'don't be silly'. They minimise any problems I have but when it comes to themselves they want full on sympathy and understanding. They recycle stories over and over again expecting me to laugh and be interested each time, my M openly brags about herself and all the people who love her, even the vicar. She has no idea how totally cringey, self absorbed, gossipy, full on over the top wittery she is. She talks to me like I'm a child. She is extremely condescending at times. I don't know if its a generation thing. I have headaches after I see them or speak to them. I'm trying to find techniques for coping with them but it's so hard...

I feel your pain.
There is someone at exercise class who I hardly know but seems to have latched on to me. She asked how I was and I smiled and said fine. The lock gates opened and she gave me an in depth description about how she wasn't fine as she needs 6 hours sleep each night, but last night she had 7 hours by mistake (!) and it had put her out.... She is never well, always has some ache or pain or moan or groan.

I try to avoid her as much as possible....

*down

Post menopausal women do not 'become less caring'

Nor do they become 'more selfish' 🙄