Should I leave?

[Ad21]

have been with my husband 20 years, married for 4. We have an 18 month old baby. I work full time, have a part time job and I am doing a part time masters degree.

My husband had some serious health issues and was critically ill on several occasions over the last few years. He is recovering now and I have supported him through this including doing daily dressings etc. He is now back at work full time.

I do everything around the house. He does the dishwasher and occasionally puts the clothes away but that’s about it. He doesn’t cook or clean.

I suffered PND/PTSD through a traumatic birth (3 day induction followed by a crash c-section) as well as other issues. I have struggled to get help with this.

I expected my husband to look after me more. He didn’t. I was cleaning and cooking from getting out of hospital. We bought a house when our baby was a month old. He only packed a couple of boxes. I did the rest. I returned to work early as he didn’t support me financially when I was on maternity leave and I now have debt to pay.

Now a year down the line, I still have boxes he won’t unpack. I cannot use the house fully as he won’t help and I am too busy to do it myself. I am just keeping my head above water keeping on top of the cleaning etc.

He doesn’t do any DIY, I have to do it all.

I’ve got to the end of my tether. I have stress induced migraines and my period is now 14 days late as the stress has probably stopped it (many many negative pregnancy tests)

Am I being unreasonable given he is also depressed with his illness?

I have discussed this at length with him and it always turns into an argument.
I can’t really afford to move out (he would never leave the house) and I have my baby to consider.

I don’t know what to do for the best but I am feeling used

Was he not like this for the first 18 years of the relationship, before you had a child together?

Does he work too? Depression is a terrible illness, but I don't think doing absolutely nothing is all that great for anyone's MH. Also, you can still empathise with him and also not be married to him. Your boundaries and needs are important too.

I'm so sorry, you must be beyond exhausted!! That is truly awful treatment to get from a partner, it is most definitely not acceptable. What support does he give you - emotional or mental - or is it all a one way street and he is of no help to you at all? You should leave, someone who loved you wouldn't treat you like this. But do it in a controlled way, get yourself organised. In the meantime, just maintain yourself and your baby, cooking, laundry, essential house work for your comfort. Start decluttering, if there are boxes you haven't got to yet, maybe they can just go - sold or donated? Claw back some time to start taking care of yourself, maybe it might trigger him to start contributing, but if not, more evidence to get rid. And you are a strong woman, anyone getting through the workload you've been doing since the baby was born can do anything, no bother.

Well he's a soul sucking asshole and it's time fir him to go.

Who's name is on the mortgage/deeds/lease of the flat. Because if its just yours then he can not want to go all he likes but he bloody well has to.

We have always been a busy couple even before we had our baby. We have travelled the world etc. The house was never a priority as we rented so didn't need to do any maintenance. Also we worked so it didn't have as much up keep. We shared the work between us. I always did more (he has never cooked and refuses to).

I've gone from doing a couple of washes a week to daily as the little one likes to get their sticky fingers everywhere haha. Obviously with a baby, everything changes.

I now work at home with COVID so see the mess. It's a smaller house which doesn't help. I have given him a deadline of Christmas before I start tipping stuff but at the minute I just don't have time. I have a 20k word dissertation to get through. I started the masters and fell pregnant. I have done most of it but need to get the dissertation out of the way.

I've tried leaving the house get dirty to see if he will do anything but it became unbearable.

Also I am conscious of my babies safety so don't want dangerous items near her.

Before I could just close the door and go to work and forget about it. I can't now I'm at home all the time. I finish work when my baby gets dropped off and go straight into mum mode. I try and do stuff on my dinner break but that means missing meals to try and keep on top.

I don't have any social interaction at work now apart from the odd meeting so it's always on my mind. There's no distractions.

I involved his family once to show him up. He changed a little after that but it didn't last long.

The house isn't in my name and I know he won't leave. It's not even worth the hassle. He can keep it and I will go. I know he won't cope if I leave as he has never lived on his own. The house is full of his stuff he won't get rid of so it's easier if I go and leave him to it, believe me.

He is a good dad to our baby. He will feed her, change her etc when needed but if I am around, it's usually me who does it.

There's no affection any more. Things haven't been as bad as this in 20 years. His illness broke him. He only cares about himself and our baby.

Feeding and changing the baby and doing the bare minimum when you are not there does not make him a 'good dad'. That's a bloody low bar.

Actually a good thing house wise then maybe as you can just go whenever you are able. Oh but- Make sure to cancel any bills in your name before you leave!

I'd look into benefits you'll be entitled to ablnd flats in your area asap. If you need some quick cash to leave with, consider selling anything he won't miss on ebay.

Oh and file for divorce ASAP. You'll ne entitled to a share of the assets.

Some threads you can answer just from reading the title. If you're asking strangers whether you should leave or not, you need to leave, regardless of the circumstance.

Also look into why you need external validation, in general in life, and in making this particular decision.

I won't be entitled to any benefits as I work full time so earn too much. I would need to rent privately.

I don't want to leave on bad terms after 20 years. He's not a bad person but has had a really rough time with his health which has left him with issues. I am also not perfect and have my own issues to resolve.

However, I am not a doormat and I definitely need more support. I don't feel that I deserve the treatment I get.

I also need to maintain a good relationship for the sake of our baby. He is a good dad. He is a huge part of her life. He plays with her, takes her out for the day, does playgroups etc. He is lazy but that doesn't make him a bad dad.

It's certainly not a decision I can take lightly.

Oh god please leave. Or stay but start the process of divorce. This is no way to live

You say the house isn't in your name, but is it in yours & your H's joint names? If not, why not? Since you are married, this is your legal entitlement.

Could you do marriage guidance so that you can thrash this out in a safe environment. Depression makes you self absorbed, it's the nature of the illness. He needs to hear how his behaviour is affecting you.