Friendships at School

[Lilly501]

Hi, I am hoping for some advice please. My DD is 9, she is informing me that she has no one to play with a playtime at school because everyone is playing games the she doesn't find interesting, I have tried to explain that if you try and join in you might enjoy it and then you will not feel left, she said she has tried this but she still has no one to play with. I have also tried to explain that you cannot always expect friends to play what you want all the time they have their ideas (sorry sounds harsh). The other issue is that there is quite a confident girl at school who some of the other girls play with, my DD has tried to talk to her friend (who she has know before they started school) but the confident girl keeps telling my DD that she is not friends with you anymore and drags her away leaving my DD on her own. It has also come to light that her friend will only play with one person and she keeps choosing the same girl each time (the confident one) I have talked with my DD and tried to encourage her to play with other girls but she keeps telling me she has no one to play with. I have spoken to her teacher and she said my DD seemed fine at playtime. I have also spoken to one of the mums and we have tried to find a way forward but nothing is changing. Is this something anyone else has had problems with? will it all change when my DD goes to secondary school in a couple of years. Really appreciate any advice TIA

You can speak to her teacher again to see if she has noticed anything or will keep an eye on things.

However, I've taught children whose parents have come to me with similar concerns and the reality usually looks like this -

1. there are other children who want to play with the child I question but they refuse and only want to play with the one who is rejecting them.

2. the other children are willing to pay with them but they refuse to play the games that the others are playing because they have an idea of they game they want to play and how it should be played and won't entertain anything else.

3. they are actually playing with other children but only remember/tell you about the times they haven't.

4. they are actually playing with someone else for most of breaktime but if that person goes to the loo, speaks to the teacher, starts playing with someone else it gets rewritten as "I had no one to play with."

I've had children come in from breaktime crying because no one wanted to play with them when I've watched them out of the window playing, laughing and running around all breaktime! It's just in the last 5 minutes that their friend talked to someone else.

Some children are more sensitive to feeling rejected when this happens. Some are unwilling to work co-operatively with others.

Keep telling the teacher. They will have an idea of how she gets along with this in class and can keep an eye on what happens at breaktime. The pastoral team might also be able to work with her on building emotional resilience and compromising.

I have yet to see a child who genuinely is on their own all/every break/lunchtime who hasn't chosen to be alone (eg a couple of autistic children who preferred their own company) but even then, the other children wanted/were willing to play with them.

Hi, thank you for your advice / insight. It was really helpful to read and a lot of it made sense. Luckily its half term next week so fingers crossed when she goes back to school it may be different. She had problem in year 4 too.

Do speak to school though. If she's had this problem in previous years, it might be that she needs some support in making friends amd the type of compromise and negotiation that is necessary for friendships to work.

It happens a fair bit tbh! Doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong', just that she needs bit of help learning how to do it.

When you're the parent at home, it's really worrying to hear but the reality can be quite different.

I will speak to school. She told my dad when he picked her up yesterday that she had played with loads of friends! but when she speak to me she is telling me that she has not played with hardly anyone. I think like you say, its the fact she wants play with a certain girl and she never gets the chance to so she's feeling left / pushed out. I do know the mum i was speaking to messaged the teacher and asked to keep an eye on them and explain there are friendship issues/problems (she is a teacher herself)x

Good luck. I hope it resolves itself soon!