So sad and don’t know what to do - family

[PhoboPhobia]

I have a DB. He and SIL have an adult DS. DN got married 4 years ago. They bought a house soon after and then had a baby. She’s almost 2 now.

Sadly, due to many things, DN had a mental health crisis a week or so after she was born. Cutting a very long story short, the marriage ended and DN moved out when his DD was just a few weeks old. It’s all so sad and there seems to be a lot of blame on each side which has lead to a lot of animosity.

DN has been erratic ever since. He frequently falls out with his parents, he sees his DD has once a week and pays minimal maintenance. His DDs Mum is not perfect and she has lied about some things but bottom line, she was dealing with a very unwell partner while pregnant and ended up as a single parent when her DD was new born. She works FT and does everything for her DD.

Here’s my issue. I would love to have a relationship with my Great DN but the rest of the family do not see her. DB and SIL have no contact as they find it so hard. They want so much to have their DS back and they have sacrificed their relationship with their GD for him. My own parents are the same. Everyone is prioritising DN to the cost of this lovely little girl having half of her family in her life. I am able to see updates on social media. I send her little things every now and then and always for Birthday and Christmas.

I’m so sad to be missing out on her growing up. My DN will not facilitate any relationships for her. Would I be unreasonable to see her anyway with her Mum who is more than happy to see us?

If her mum is happy to see you then you should do although it might cause you some drama

I would reach out to the baby's DM. There is no reason why you and she shouldn't stay friendly and you be in the little girl's life. Your DB's MH crisis isn't a barrier to you being in her life unless the DM is unwilling to engage with the wider family. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

And as for your family sacrificing their relationship with this baby girl in order to prioritise their support for your DB - that is NUTS! Why does it have to be either/or???

I would, but I also wouldn't bring it up with your family.

She sounds like a strong woman who is likely exhausted and unless there's any bad blood between you may welcome more people in her daughters life.

Sorry - your DN, not your DB!

I would contact the baby's mum and try and open a line of communication. To be frank, the rest of your family sound like a total disgrace and I don't think you should be guided by them on what's the right thing to do. The excuses about "finding it hard" to see the baby are appalling and not a reason for your brother and his wife to abandon their grandchild and remove all support from her mum, who has already been badly let down by their son.

I'd say balls to the lot of them. Let them look after each other, as they seem to be wrapped up in doing, and do what you know is the right thing.

Thanks. The reason they don’t see her is that their DS kicks off at any sign of anyone having contact with Baby’s Mum. He says it’s because she tells lies about him. I am pretty sure it’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know what a shit Father he is. I can’t even start to tell you about the misogyny that gets spouted.

I think I will reach out to Mum and just not discuss it with the family. I don’t have anything to lose re DN, we’ve never been close and at this point I don’t like him very much. My DN and SIL probably wouldn’t mind. My DPs will be upset but the only thing stopping them seeing her is them. I’m sick of DN always being put first. If there is such a thing he is the Golden Grandchild.

@IWantT0BreakFree you’re absolutely right. We are not a tight knit family and I am so disappointed and angry that they have all acted the way they have.

God what a horrible situation. Your extended family are throwing an innocent little girl under the bus to protect your nephew and how awful he has been. Not surprised you are sad, it’s so shocking the lengths families can go to to protect the status quo even when they must know the truth.

Absolutely go ahead and see your great DN.

Contact her, she maybe really pleased for some support from you. I'm a single mum mum and despite not having anything to do with the ex (he hasn't seen DD in ten years) I have a great relationship with his sister.

Agree with PP - contact her and leave the others to their dysfunctional thinking.

Contact her, it’s worth a go. She’s willing to have you on social media already which is a start.

Fuck DN and the rest of the arsehole gang.