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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this manipulative

22 replies

bumblebee586 · 22/10/2021 07:30

So every time my partner and I have a disagreement and we argue he ends it. Saying he's sick of every thing. Normally I'm crying begging him but this time I haven't. As I see it's a pattern.

I love him so much but he has really toxic side to him. He's very stubborn.

I'm not sure if he actually wants to end it with me or it's just a game with him

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 22/10/2021 07:42

Stop crying and begging and call his bluff instead.
How often does it happen?

Flakjacketon · 22/10/2021 07:51

Whether he does or whether he doesn't really want to end it, this is cruel behaviour designed to keep you in your place. You have done the right thing in retaining your dignity and not begging this time. If he is as stubborn as you say, this may be the end but you deserve to be treated better and for disagreements to be handled in a mature way.

If he does come back, and you decide to give him another chance, tell him that he needs to grow up because each time he does this, it chips away at your respect for him and if he does it again YOU are done - and mean it !

Personally I wouldn't give him another chance because I am pretty sure he will do it again. Leopards don't change their spots etc.

Good Luck 💐

Mybalconyiscracking · 22/10/2021 07:54

You really need to call his bluff on this, otherwise you will be giving into him on everything for ever.

Mamamamasaurus · 22/10/2021 08:01

He's 'keeping you in your place'. Stop begging and let him go. You deserve better.

Salayes · 22/10/2021 08:05

Does this mean you’re not currently talking? Do you even want to be with someone like this?

myrtlehuckingfuge · 22/10/2021 08:08

You are being 'trained' not to argue or disagree with him. So yes, it is manipulation.

Original poster

bumblebee586 · 22/10/2021 08:12

Yeah he's giving me the silent treatment normally I'm all sorry and upset. I'm just trying to stay strong. I've got back self esteem issues.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 22/10/2021 08:48

It doesn't really matter if it's manipulative or not. You've identified that he's toxic.

The real question is: Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who is toxic?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2021 08:55

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You're being abused here in this relationship; his silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. He will continue to give you bad self esteem issues if you stay with him for whatever reason. Better to be single than to be so badly accompanied.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2021 09:12

Take him at his word and consider yourself single

Don’t take him back

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 22/10/2021 09:14

OP run whilst you still can. My ex did this all the time and it escalated to worse abuse. It IS abusive to do this!

Youme · 22/10/2021 09:14

@bumblebee586 my now ex did this too. Any disagreement or even talk about something serious would usually end up with the 'silent treatment' and he'd say it's not working etc. Although he never said to end it until the actual end (when he finished it over text!). He went days without speaking to me and I was left hanging on not knowing where we stood. It was usually me chasing back after him though because when it was good it was really good and I didn't want to throw it all away. But now realising in hindsight that this is very controlling and hurtful behaviour. My ex was also very stubborn but it's not a nice way to treat someone is it? I probably knew deep down if I didn't get back in touch or chase after him eventually then it would be over. I'm guessing you know that too. This pattern will lead to resentful etc and my self esteem also dipped. I won't be contacting my ex again (the advice I was given on my other post was really good, please read it). It feels horrible and I miss him but please do the same. No one deserves this behaviour and I think it shows he doesn't actually care as much as you might think he does.

Fruitandnuts · 22/10/2021 09:15

Do not beg for a man. His behaviour is immature. I've been there, had a small argument and then they go silent, well then i leave them to it.

I can guarantee he'll come back, they always do. Usually with a tale of woe is me, they've been misunderstood blah blah blah. Then you need to say its not the treatment you respect and tell him if he hadn't have contacted you, you certainly wouldn't have. Tell him you are seeing a pattern here and its exhausting as you are both adults. Tell him there wont be a next time and look him in the eye and mean it. However if he has done this before he'll likely do it again so its up to you. Do you really want to be a crying mess begging for a man? Is he really worth it?

You teach people how to treat you. i recommended a book 'Why men love bitches' please get yourself a copy. Basically gives examples of what to do in situations. It's sad that men behave this way and such books are written but hey knowledge is power and it was an eye opener for me.

Dery · 22/10/2021 14:14

Yes, it’s manipulative; it’s bullying; it’s toxic. It’s not how healthy, functional partners behave. As PPs have said, he’s trying to train you to only ever do what he wants. He sounds like a piece of work who you’re better off without.

Dery · 22/10/2021 14:16

And as @Fruitandnuts says: you teach people how to treat you. By begging and crying, you’ve taught him that you will put keeping him in your life above everything else and given him all the power in the relationship. Fortunately, you’ve decided not to do that any more and that’s great.

gannett · 22/10/2021 14:17

Yes it's manipulative. Why are you having so many dramatic disagreements anyway?

Relationships are possible without arguing all the time and without your partner threatening to leave all the time. This is not a healthy one. Sod how much you think you love him. This isn't what love looks like.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 14:28

@gannett

Yes it's manipulative. Why are you having so many dramatic disagreements anyway?

All of this, completely.

butterflyze · 22/10/2021 14:28

Do you live together / have kids?

Dery · 22/10/2021 14:40

Yes - very good question: why do you love him so much? Love between adults should be conditional.

Peach01 · 22/10/2021 14:52

It shouldn't go to that level every time. There will be disagreements, he's handling it poorly if he ends it every time.

Yes it's manipulative and unfair. Next time he says it's over, say "okay". He'll no doubt try to manipulate that into you being the one who wants to break up. Remain as emotionless as you can and stick your guns. I echo what others say, call his bluff. Why is he getting away with doing this to you each time? There's not much to lose if someone's threatening you to leave each time they're annoyed. If that's what he wants, agree to it.

layladomino · 22/10/2021 17:18

I agree with pp saying this isn't what love looks like.

Big disagreements that involve arguing are not a good sign in themselves. Threatening to leave on the back of every argument is not a good sign. One person begging and pleading with the other (thus placing themselves as subservient, lesser) is really unhealthy.

Well done for not engaging this time. I suggest taking him at his word and moving on. Certainly don't plead or beg. And if for some reason you want another try, tell him his huffing off and sulking is pathetic, childish and extremely inattractive, and you like him less every time he does it. He needs to act like a grown up in future.

But seriously, really think hard whether you want this. It sounds like neither of you is very happy really.

layladomino · 22/10/2021 17:19

*unattractive

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