Why does it feel like he's won?

[irishoak]

I started posting here at the end of last year, when things were properly breaking down with my abusive husband. I got a lot of support (thank you mumsnetters!) and have been posting and commenting and reading since then. I've done the Freedom Programme online. I've done bits and bobs of counselling, and trying to line more up. And despite all of this, I'm still struggling.

Objectively, I know I'm a far better person than my ex and in a better situation. He's a truly horrible person who will stumble from disaster to disaster of his own making. He lives a very unstable life. He might have friendships and partners, but he can't make them last.

So why do I feel like he's won, somehow? These days I feel like I've missed my chance for the nice life I could have had, the nice family and home. My head is a mess, my finances and life situation too. I don't know how I'll ever sort everything out, whereas he has turned on the nice guy act again and has a new bunch of people believing it. I struggle every day, but it feels like he's got off scot free.

You are still in the really early throes of disengaging yourself from a shit situation. It's boring to hear but you need time. Time to settle your emotions and mind, time to settle the practicalities. Slowly your life will get to the normal, routine, relaxed stage and you will breath easy again. It sounds like you are able to detach yourself, no shared kids? So you will, and should, just stop thinking about him. Winning and losing has no meaning here but you need to be able to lead your best life. It shouldn't interest you at all after a while but it seems clear his life will always be a series of messes.