Should I stay or should I go?

[Crazylifewithlabs]

Long time lurker and first time posting! Need honest advice!

My stbxh left over 2.5 years ago and we have a daughter together. He has recently moved in with his partner. Since this he has tried to change the childcare agreement and the financial amount we agreed upon.

Background - There was a lot on coercive control when we were together and I became an isolated shell of a human being. I’ve spent this time trying to build myself back up. The issue is if I stay in the family home I am reliant on the money I get each much. So the threats and bullying have continued and I’m always anxiously waiting to see what he will do next.

Options are:
1 - stay in the family hope and hope one day I can magically buy the family home and that all the stress will be worth it if
2 move to somewhere smaller nearby for a fresh start that I can afford on my own

Sorry for long post!

I moved somewhere smaller, that I could afford without his support and that would be a fresh start for me and the kids.

Made a world of difference, mostly to my confidence!

I haven’t been in your situation regarding the home part as I was renting with my Ex. However, I know what it’s like to be dealing with an unpleasant Ex. The less contact you have the better it is for you and your mental health.
The less you rely on him financially the less power he has over you.
You will honestly be a much better parent to your children the more control you have over your own life.

Option 2 sounds excellent.

Until you are free of his control, you won't recover. Constant anxiety will damage your physical health as much as your mental health.

Oh option 2. Living without the stress of that would be worth it for sure.

Absolutely 2. You just need to be able to close the front door and know you aren’t in any way reliant on him. A smaller house is a small price to pay!

I'd go for option 2.

It means your home will be yours. No bad memories, he'll have no rights (actual, moral or imagined), no retained key. No input. Decorate it however you like .

You'll be able to relax, never have to speak to him again if you don't want to.

I agree option 2.

However, in addition to this I'd try & get some peace of mind over the financials.

Is the amount he's agreed to contribute over & above the CMS minimum? If not, I'd get a formal agreement in place and if he doesn't pay they can take it straight out his wages.

Takes away that 'threat' he thinks he has over you - this is exactly what my ex did as if it gave him more control

Option 2. Free yourself completely

I’d go with option 2 also.

You will feel such a sense of security and pride at having your own place it will totally be worth it.

Start looking at what’s out there and seeing if it’s affordable and in the same school catchment area etc.

Downsize and enjoy the peace.

Option 2.

Go for 2 ☺️

Option 2

I don't think being totally reliant on a partner is a good idea for anyone let alone someone abusive

Thanks everyone some really good advice. The amount he does pay is above the CSA minimum but it is only technically his 1/2 of the mortgage.

Regardless I really love hearing that having your own place with no bad memories really built up peoples confidence and helped with the healing process. The kids have got upset when I said about moving and that’s why I have put it off but it’s at the point it’s at the expense of my own sanity now!

Decision has been made. When we downsize we will stay in the same area so no change of schools etc thanks again

Totally number 2. My stbx just moved but we did not own a house. However, my finances changed significantly (for worse) and I also have to pay him support because he lost his job during covid and has a lot less paying job now. Still, even though I struggle with money now every day, being financially independent from him makes me feel so good.