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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guard up/down - how to help him?

24 replies

MoneyMachine · 21/10/2021 17:07

How can I help someone I am in a relationship with (6months) to be less guarded and let me in? I am patient, considerate, giving him everything he needs - but he is not opening his life to me fully. He’s afraid to be hurt .. anything I can do?
I don’t want to give up just yet, he is a great person and I can see a future together

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2021 17:14

This is not going to be what you want to read but I would walk away now before you get ever more over invested in him. Only HE can decide if he wants to get over the fear of being hurt e.g through therapy (and that is likely also to be deeply rooted); you cannot do that for him nor influence that process. Being understanding etc will only get you so far.

If you can also see a future with someone like this after a mere six months then I would be wondering about your boundaries; they seem so very low. You were not put here to rescue and or save people in relationships and trying to be either in a relationship never works. He seems like a bottomless well and you're pouring yourself in. Look closely at your own boundaries here and read too about the sunken costs fallacy.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 17:17

You are not this man's rehab centre. He's not some project you are burdened with completing. What you see is what you get. Raise your standards and find someone who gives you what you need.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 17:27

Are you sure that it's not that he isn't 'opening up' but infact that he is just an empty, cold person?

We have a tendency to assume that there is something more to people we like than there actually is sometimes. Also, when we are normal, genuine, warm people we assume other people are too. He might just be an icicle. Or perhaps, just not have the depth you think he does.

Original poster
MoneyMachine · 21/10/2021 17:27

Thanks both. I am giving him a chance, as it was me initially who was guarded. He helped me immensely to overcome the fear of being in a relationship. Now tables have turned, he got hurt by me (not on purpose, it was to do with a long work trip I had to do) - I feel I owe him at least some patience

OP posts:
Original poster
MoneyMachine · 21/10/2021 17:28

@Pinkbonbon hmm, interesting thought. Yes, maybe is the depth that I want to see and it is not there..

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 17:29

Ge got hurt by you taking a work trip?
Seriously... :/

Its 6 months in, you don't owe him anything. And it's very worrying to be in this mindset so soon into a relationship.

Original poster
MoneyMachine · 21/10/2021 17:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat he is the most confident and warm person. I honestly think that if I hadn’t gone away, we would not be in this place now with his guard up

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TowandaForever · 21/10/2021 17:40

@MoneyMachine

But you can't live life not doing what you need to in case it affects things with him? That is no way to live!

daisychain01 · 21/10/2021 17:48

If he's that guarded it means he isn't suitable to commit to.

Don't fall into the trap of rescuing him. He's an adult, whatever his issue is, he needs to get over it and not implicate you in having to mop his fevered brow. Man up pill maybe?

NotaCoolMum · 21/10/2021 17:59

How did your work trip hurt him exactly? It does make a difference

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 18:42

He was hurt because you had to go on a trip for work? You know, the job that supports you and allows you to pay your bills. Hmm

That alone didn't raise multiple, enormous red flags for you?

Bananalanacake · 21/10/2021 18:55

He's starting to look controlling by not being happy about you going away for work. How would he react if you told him you're going to visit family for a week?

ufucoffee · 21/10/2021 18:57

If he really liked you the week away wouldn't bother him. He's just not that into you.

MultiStorey · 21/10/2021 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pemmican · 21/10/2021 18:59

My advice would be to go away on another work trip.

Preferably with your most attractive male colleague.

category12 · 21/10/2021 19:30

Hold the phone, he's been cold towards you since you went on a work trip?

Do please explain what exactly he was upset by.

Begrateful · 21/10/2021 22:41

He sounds weird.

TheChip · 21/10/2021 22:43

Hes put his guard up because you abandoned him for a work trip and now you feel such guilt you are pandering to him.

For a 6 month long relationships I'd say you both need to work on yourselves. This will not progress or end well

FlowerArranger · 21/10/2021 22:47

Why would you want to be a one-woman rescue mission - a Dame in Shining Armour perhaps - for a man who holds back his feelings, appears controlling, and may quite possibly be both shallow and selfish?

Original poster
MoneyMachine · 27/10/2021 08:14

Thank you for all your replies the other day.

The more I think about it, I wonder if I was love bombed by him at the beginning.. not the obvious signs like gifts or complimentary words, but his undivided attention and consideration for my needs. He was literally doing everything right.
I was so cautious and looking for red flags, I saw none at the time - and set clear boundaries. But since this work trip all changed - I made a space for him in my life and he doesn’t want to take it.

I looked up “kind narcissist” last night.. I am feeling sick now

OP posts:
Goawayangryman · 27/10/2021 08:16

Yeah. No. This one's not a keeper.

Original poster
MoneyMachine · 27/10/2021 08:27

I thought this guy was helping me to regain the trust in man kind! How wrong was I … how do I pick myself up?

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TheChip · 27/10/2021 08:29

Be thankful you found out fairly early. Brush it off, add it to your list of warning signs to look out for. Carry on the life you were living before him.

Original poster
MoneyMachine · 27/10/2021 08:40

Thank you @TheChip.. you are right.
Hard to give up on this image of my happy life with him that I developed. Back to my friends and their support I suppose.
Not sure if I should take a break from dating or this is just a lesson to learn from.

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