Friend with conspiracy theories

[DaisyNGO]

I suspect this is something that will sort itself and I think I know what MNers will say....

At the weekend, I had an odd experience with a friend over coffee. She has always been a bit of a conspiracy buff, but you know when you almost think someone's trolling un real life, or just has a different sense of humour?

This time she was very odd, very patronising, asking me if I had heard of things that I think most people would have heard of. She's claiming to be getting into learning to be a survivalist but I'm not sure if that's true.

I suppose the thing that worried me most this weekend was her tone. She didn't say anything new, but talked down to me because I don't have some kind of survivalist plan for my family.

But the background is, we have been friends for ten years and she helps with stuff - she's not the friend who is full of words, she will help in a crisis.

Then I talked to a mutual friend about it and she said "ah, but do you know even my sister believes this sort of thing..."

DP thinks he's got a couple of friends who believe all sorts of things but don't say it....they've tested the water, he told them to shut up, that was it.

My first reaction was to quietly fade out. We are moving next year hopefully, but she is sort of a midpoint between here and there so unless we lie..

Then I thought, it might be temporary? Her father died last year, she nursed him. So a terrible time on top of everything else.

Looking back, last few visits, if the DC aren't around, she turns to some very odd topics.

I probably need to just accept it's not a good friendship don't I? I get DP's point that many people believe weird things but there's a difference between a quiet mention and going on about it? She referred freely to being online all the time now, lookingat this stuff.

Giving a bump in case evening posters have thoughts on this.

It sounds to me like your friend has been to the facebook school of panic, lies, and fear-mongering. It basically enrols the vulnerable and sadly, those who haven't haven't had the privilege of a good education to help them develop sound critical thinking skills. The fact your friend lost her father probably makes her susceptible to this kind of warped thinking/indoctrination. It may well be also be an expression of complex grief. I wonder, what was her support system at that time? Were you there for her?

If you value the friendship then shut her down firmly any time she starts blathering. 'I don't want to talk about that. Tell me about [insert safe subject she's likely to be distracted by here].'

You also need to consider whether you're just keeping her around because she's useful. If so, that makes you a bit problematic, so you probably need to swallow the fact that if you don't like her outlook anymore, she won't be around in a crisis. Then you can focus on friendships where the bond is mutually supportive and enriching. This may not be the case at all, but from what you've written it sounds a little like she's just really reliable and it's human not to want to give that up. No relationship is totally equal all of the time.

Also you don't fade out of a ten-year friendship if you're still in regular contact, even if it's the path of least resistance.That's just a bit cowardly. Give her the courtesy of letting her know you no longer want to have a relationship with her and let her know why. But before you do this, give her a chance to answer for her behaviour. Let her know how you feel about her behaviour and that you're worried for her (if you are? I'm not sure, as it sounds like you're concerned about you). Ask her how she's coping with the death of her father. She may surprise you. If she doubles down on the madness, at least you can walk away saying you tried.

Well the talking down is a bit shit but really.. this last couple of years shows how quickly things can get serious. Disasters happen. Is she that off the wall really? Fading out cos you dont agree is a bit shit too tbh .. live and let live

Sorry if I wasn't clear enough
I did say early in my post, she's always been a conspiracy buff, since we met her

We sort of listened politely but didn't take it seriously and she was also into other stuff, like you could go to a film with her.

The fact that we didn't agree wasn't a problem before.

Re her father, we offered as much support as we could.

The worrying statements this weekend included statements like

"I get very angry when people won't accept I'm right"

"If you don't have a plan for all of you to survive in the wild, then you're a fool". She brought leaflets about survivalism and eating nettles etc

She tried, I thought, to gaslight me, by saying "have you heard of x, y, z" in a tone as if I was a child. Like quantitative easing and the money supply. When I said "of course" she gave a strange smile and said "you are taking everything out of cash I hope?" I said "of course not, we are hoping to move" and she laughed as if I'm an idiot.

I wasn't going to write this in case she's on here but maybe that's not a bad thing... The reason she is prepping is she thinks governments worldwide are going to create War of the Worlds or fake it to look like it or whatever.

She mentioned it twice over summer but with DC around we just raised an eyebrow and she was quiet. I thought it was all a piss take really. She is EOL and a lot of those people seem to think real life trolling is hilarious.

In terms of it being disrespectful or cowardly to fade out, she seemed so angry this weekend, I am concerned if we explicitly say something she'll come by and make a scene in front of DC.

Before this weekend, last couple of times we tried to move her off the subject she huffed and was visibly bored by whatever else we tried to say. I think because it was just me and her at coffee this weekend, she took the chance to deliver a firm lecture.

I absolutely don't want to reject anyone because of a difference of opinion. But I am weirded out at the moment.

Thanks for the thoughts, it's good to get a view from people who don't know us.

I think she’ll drop you anyway because you don’t agree with her 😎

I just realised EOL means end of life, sorry, sorry

I meant "extremely online", talks in internet jargon all the time which is how I learned the phrase.

Fluffy - that might be best!

Sorry to say but she's obviously spending way too much time on the internet.

There needs to be more research done into how too much time on the internet can actually make people insane.
(I type, while on the internet....)

It must be hard for you to feel you're losing a friend, but there's a chance she's just really, really into this right now and really needs to talk to someone who isn't on the internet about this and that person is you.
She may benefit from being able to talk it through with you properly, in turn you can nod along and make counter suggestions if you want to risk it, then in time she'll calm down.

It's been a really shit time for so many of us and she's lost her dad on top. Maybe give her a bit of leeway rather than "break up" completely for now.

^ oh I see the internet thing was what you already meant by "EOL"!

Drop her. Tell her you don't want the relationship any longer and the reason why. Be firm and block her on social media etc. Unless you think she'll show up with a gun, DC will survive a bit of unpleasantness if she makes a scene. Just explain to them that she's not well, and you've asked her not to come back, which is true.

You have an easy out because you're moving, but I would make sure she knows the reason why she's lost a friend. Who knows, it may be a wake up call, or something at least, for her to reflect on. In some ways, it's an act of kindness to point out to her that her behaviour is worrying and untenable. She may not be able to hear it now, but one day she may be able to look back on it and understand where she went wrong.

Re social media
We never did follow each other because she'd post videos of what she thought was an unexplained light in the sky etc and be very excited about it. There was never any bad feeling about it though. Not like this weekend with her telling me she gets angry with people who don't agree with her! That is definitely new and not something I've seen before.

I just looked at Twitter and the sidebar has a feature about a hypersonic Third World War. I can absolutely see why the internet would send somebody mad. But when someone presents as being so angry, and also patronising, for me there's a strong sense of unease. Like there's no right way to say "are you okay?"

I appreciate i am being precious about DC.

Moving isn't soon. We want to but it has to go well and our place isn't on the market yet, hopefully by November. So we could easily be here till summer.

I suppose the real thing is I have a very bad gut feeling about this, like she really meant what she said this weekend.

I've had a good education. Your issue is that you believe what the media tells you. This is the opposite of critical thinking . They label it misinformation because they don't want people to believe the truth. Afghanistan- apply your critical thinking skills to that situation.....

Truth "Your issue is that you believe what the media tells you."

I don't have much faith in the media at all.

But someone being angry that I don't believe them about a pending alien invasion, real or staged, isn't connected to my own thoughts on the media, surely? Or my thoughts on global politics.

@Truthseeker456

I've had a good education. Your issue is that you believe what the media tells you. This is the opposite of critical thinking . They label it misinformation because they don't want people to believe the truth. Afghanistan- apply your critical thinking skills to that situation.....

Can you share links to reputable, evidence based sources that are examples of mainstream media cover ups / false narratives?

I'm yet to get any links from anyone, despite me being open to any, instead I just get the 'Do your own research' line back from people who believe the kind of thing OP mentions or other conspiracy theories.

Oh please don't turn this into a conspiracy thread...wish I'd never asked now.

My SIL has become like this, grey rock didn’t work, she’s now been faded out by everyone. It was too exhausting dealing with her, the last 18 months have been hard enough without intense hectoring debate every time we saw her

I’m getting really concerned by the trend to dump anyone who thinks differently. Especially in the middle of all this be kind, love and light shit.

Op have you actually had a conversation with your friend about this? Have you asked why she thinks this, or said that you don’t enjoy these discussions?

Ffs, if I dumped everyone I didn’t agree with I’d never see anyone.

@FlorenciaFlora

I’m getting really concerned by the trend to dump anyone who thinks differently. Especially in the middle of all this be kind, love and light shit.

Op have you actually had a conversation with your friend about this? Have you asked why she thinks this, or said that you don’t enjoy these discussions?

Ffs, if I dumped everyone I didn’t agree with I’d never see anyone.

C&P from my previous post

"Before this weekend, last couple of times we tried to move her off the subject she huffed and was visibly bored by whatever else we tried to say. I think because it was just me and her at coffee this weekend, she took the chance to deliver a firm lecture.

I absolutely don't want to reject anyone because of a difference of opinion. But I am weirded out at the moment."

--

Maybe I waffled too much.

She is angry with me because I don't believe in a pending alien invasion and am not worried about how my family would survive in the wilderness. (I am not clear how we get there anyway as we live in london)!

I asked why she is so convinced about the alien invasion. It's just something you know if you know the right people apparently.

I don't really want to have deeper conversations about it with her.

I suppose I have my answer.

I was wondering if anyone alters from this mindset, but I guess she can get in touch if she does.

Thanks all. Good night.

Op there has been strange lights in the sky. The sun is in a grand solar minimum and there is some really unusual space weather causing extreme weather and various strange lights all over the world.

Some people who don’t know this perceive it has religious meaning, or like your friend, they think it might be do do with life on other planets. If you google some of the images, you will see why some people think this.

The survivalism is a thing. Thousands of people are trying to stop being reliant on the government by installing solar panels and growing their own food. You must have seen the programmes about living off the grid.

She has no right to be angry with you because you don’t share her beliefs, whether that’s about aliens or knitting.

Although, are you certain she was angry with you, and not just having a generally off day?

Do you think she is OK? Has she had mental health problems before? She really does sound paranoid. To me, it sounds as if she is having some sort of psychotic episode. What do other mutual friends think?

I think the past nineteen months have really affected us all mentally.

I have an educated and professional friend who is convinced the covid vaccine is gene therapy. If you'd told me that two years ago, I'd have laughed but sadly I have witnessed her unravelling for months.

She is seeing a therapist for another reason but unfortunately the therapist isn't a registered or qualified one so is unlikely to do much to help.

I'm also wondering if I need to take a step back as her constant overly animated conversations about gene therapy are wearying. On the other hand, pre covid she was lovely.

I miss the pre covid version of her.
Your friend could be like mine?

I'd take a step back. I couldn't listen to that drivel.

Does she think Covid is a hoax.

She may just have an alternative outlook from you, or she may well have serious mental health problems.

Either way - you’re not going to change her mind. If she’s actually developing a psychiatric condition then you’re disagreeing with her is not going to make a blind bit of difference

Fot your own sake you do have to fade out of her life - maybe things will change in the future. Don’t get caught up in her beliefs.

I agree with the pp who mentioned the effects of the internet on sanity.

We are going through similar with a close relative just now, and the crap that is available on the internet has been a factor in their illness.

Florencia - yes, I know those things are known things. But why be angry with me? Also, the leaflets she gave me weren't about self sufficiency, it was more like "how to survive on the run".

It didn't feel like she was having a bad day; it felt like a plan, with the leaflets and knowing it was just us two meeting, and the announcement about getting angry with people who disagree.

Themutts - I don't know if she's had mental health issues in the past. Re mutual friends, from my OP "Then I talked to a mutual friend about it and she said "ah, but do you know even my sister believes this sort of thing..."

DP thinks he's got a couple of friends who believe all sorts of things but don't say it....they've tested the water, he told them to shut up, that was it."

To add, mutual friend said to me that she gives her sister an hour to go on about stuff and then tries to debunk her theories. She thinks that's maybe why this friend doesn't get into it with her - she doesn't want to be cross examined.

But both DP and mutual friend looked at the leaflets and were...surprised. They are paper home printed ones, I think she did them herself.

Dancing - it's certainly possible that the last 18 months have turned an interest into an unhealthy obsession, yes.

Re the animated conversations, I can relate. One option for both of us could be a ban on the subjects for the next meetup, see how they react?

Covid - her opinion changes daily, again, no disrespect and everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I think it changes because of her online groups.

Malificent - There is that factor, even as a friend how long can I listen to "the aliens are coming and get prepped for life in the wilderness or you're failing your family."

Time - how have you managed with your relative?

I used to think people would land back in the real world eventually but maybe it's a choice not to.

So far she has only been in touch with DP to check he saw the leaflets. Maybe she thought I'd bin them en route home....