“Best Friend” Seems to have Ghosted Me…Confused

[Roldgold831]

Hi all,

So let me begin by saying I am a very shy, reserved person who instead of having a large group of friends has a very tight knit relationship with only a couple of people who I consider to be my very best friends, one even like family. The other who I’m writing about, used to be, but not so much anymore. I met my fiancé who I live with 13 years ago, right at the same time she met her then husband. I’m still with my “hubby”, however she went through a very difficult time with him, catching him cheating on her (although she is very promiscuous and cheated on him all the time, but when he did it, she couldn’t deal with it) - they got divorced. I literally ran to her in the middle of the night to help her out with things whenever she needed me, one involving him threatening her, etc. anyway, her and I do go way back. We used to go out every weekend together before we each met our guys. Now I’m settled down, not to mention 45 years old, and she’s approaching 40 and running around during this dangerous time being with strange men from dating apps. I’ve tried talking to her as a friend because I care, but she doesn’t want to hear it. We used to have so much fun together, going to concerts (until COVID stopped that) (oh, by the way one thing that truly hurt me was that I was hospitalized twice, both for serious things, one was COVID, the other my kidneys shut down and the doctors didn’t know if I would even make it, and she never even bothered to visit (the kidney thing was before COVID) or even call or text. I was so hurt by this and I still am. We used to make sure to meet up for what we would refer to as “our ritual” at least once a month where we would go get a massage and have dinner and catch up. Well, needless to say that stopped with the pandemic, but over the past few months I’ve been trying to get her to come visit and I’ve even offered to go out by her, but my attempts were unsuccessful. I feel like our “friendship” is not a real friendship, but a very one-sided thing where I wanted to continue having a friendship, but she shows no want to do the same. I would always be the one to initiate contact through texts to say hi. Well, I’ve finally had enough and I stopped contacting her, and the last time I heard from her was a happy birthday text on my birthday which was back in August. It’s hard to just drop someone who you’ve been friends with for over 15 years, but I’m seriously considering it. I’m wondering what you guys think about this and if it would be right to walk away. It’s funny, but I know I’ll probably get a “merry Christmas” text from her, and I don’t even know if I should answer it. I never thought I would be in this position with someone I once thought was my true friend.

That sounds really upsetting - it is always hard when friendships change.

I think that the cause of your friend distancing herself from you might be this:

“Now I’m settled down, not to mention 45 years old, and she’s approaching 40 and running around during this dangerous time being with strange men from dating apps. I’ve tried talking to her as a friend because I care, but she doesn’t want to hear it.”

It sounds judgmental. You clearly disapprove of her life. If you’ve got such different values perhaps it’s best to leave this friendship at this point.

I’m just trying to reply to the previous answer to my post, but i don’t know if I’m doing it right. Perhaps I came across wrong and didn’t describe what I meant properly. I wasn’t being judgmental and I certainly didn’t approach it with her that way. My friend would always tell me how she would go to various strange guys’ homes and be intimate with them while unprotected. Forget about covid, that’s a no-brainer right now, but she’s taking chances with her health, her body, and even being in someone’s home alone that she doesn’t know. I definitely approached the subject carefully and was careful not to sound preachy or judgmental and I basically told her to be careful.

You obviously feel let down that she didn't visit you in hospital. Maybe she feels resentful because you've criticised her lifestyle. It seems like maybe you've outgrown each other. But I'd still send a card and text occasionally. No need to cut peoole off completely because you don't know how things might change again.

True I guess about not completely cutting someone off (although at times I feel like if I didn’t reach out to her I might not hear from her again) but still… Regarding the feeling let down about her not caring when I was very ill, that’s very true, but that is something I’ve always kept to myself, I never brought it up to her. And again, I didn’t criticize her lifestyle, I just showed concern and told her she should be careful out there when she told me what she was doing. I made sure not to say anything negative. But I guess you never know, maybe she took it as me criticizing her even though it wasn’t meant that way. I really don’t think so, but it’s possible…

I think you just have to leave it. Friendships change. It’s now time to make some new friends. It’s hard and I’m not good at this but put yourself out there more.

I'd be extremely surprised if it hasn't come across as judgemental however gently you think you put it, as reading your op, it certainly seemed it.

Also, you say if you don't reach out, you won't hear from her - but you haven't and she still texted you happy birthday. Of course if you stop responding altogether she'll eventually get the message, but I don't think you're being entirely fair in your summary of the situation.

Not sure why you can't just drop back to a looser friendship and have to cut her off instead, but it's up to you.

People are a bit crap sometimes and we can feel let down by them but it's whether there's something there worth preserving or not.

I think the same as PP - I suspect your words stung, no matter how gentle you thought you were.

But also - if you were that ill and in hospital twice and she couldn't even be arsed to text, maybe ask yourself if she's really a friend? And why you're trying to hang on to a friendship which is so one-sided.

Letting a friendship go is hard, it is a grieving process. But I think this one has run its course. Allow it to drift away and concentrate on finding new, more compatible friendships which are more reciprocal.

Sorry, I know it's shit when this happens but you will get over it.

Ah OP, I realise that you might prefer keeping your circle tight to just a few friends but that might feel like quite a burden on your friend to meet all your emotional/friendship needs when she's trying to figure her own life out.

Friendships should be easy and adapt to changing lives and circumstances. Just because she isn't around to see you or care for you as much, doesn't mean you need to cut her out. In fact, stop trying to organise things and leave her be for now. Maybe accept a greatly reduced friendship. You're both living very different lives atm and maybe she doesn't want your judgemental (and it is judgemental if you've even bothered writing it out here) outlook bringing her down.

Cut her some slack and let her find her own path. Being a good friend also means being supportive and giving someone enough rope to roam without needing them to still meet your standards of contact. If she's interested she'll reach out when she's ready. And if she doesn't then that's an indication that you've just grown apart. But this is life and it isn't realistic to expect the friendships will always last in exactly the same capacity forever.

She hasn't ghosted you OP but it sounds like she may have taken a step back as your lifestyles are not compatible.

Just joining thread, hope you don't mind OP.

I was ghosted my one of my 4 closest friends last week. I am so incredibly hurt, and angry that she didn't have enough respect for me to give me closure. It devalues our friendship. I thought she knew me after 8 years, but clearly not.

Ghosting someone is toxic and abusive because they have all the power and you have none.

She thought I was gossiping about her children but I wasn't. The fact she even thought I would shocked me : 'don't you know me at all'?

I choose my closest friends very carefully and this will take me a long time to get over.