How to move on

[Notgood234]

I am at the end of my tether with an on / off relationship. The thing is I am so lonely and I live on my own . I had plans with him such as having a family ( I am early 30s), but more and more our incompatibility shows . I am so depressed at the thought of being on my own . I want a family but it’s terrifying to go back to the dating scene . I can’t break the cycle . He has a lot more going on and a lot more friends etc and I am going to have to start again , how can I find the strength ?

Why do you feel you HAVE to go back to the dating scene (for the sake of having a family)?

I hope my story offers some insight...

I was married from early 30s until 36 (incompatible/different long term plans), so we parted as amicably as possible. I dated aggressively from 36 until 37 (I realised it'd be really difficult/impossible to find someone who I fancy/wants the same things as me (family)/at the same time without compromising)...I stopped actively dating and met someone online who I had a situanship with from the ages of 37-39. Really got on/loved each other but there was no future (he was younger and not interested in having a family at that point in his life). Before meeting him, I'd started having ideas about solo parenting... so last year aged 38 I did fertility tests to see what my fertility clinical picture was like: it showed surprisingly good ovarian reserve apart from a blocked fallopian tube. So I did IUI (intrauterine insemination) with a sperm donor and it didn't work. Took a 6 month break and fast forward to Feb this year, aged 39, I did IVF with a sperm donor and was very fortunate to find out that the treatment had worked the first time. I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and all going well, due to give birth in Dec. Chances of conceiving with IVF for my age group were less than 30%. I was very very fortunate. Costs wise I spent around 7/8k.

I simply couldn't do any more dating - I totally understand how you feel. The period between 36-39 was the most depressing/despairing time of my life. I absolutely hated the rinse and repeat cycle of dates/disappointment/do it again and again etc. And time was just slipping by further and further. Though I enjoyed spending time with the person I had a situanship with, I knew it was still wasting my fertility time...I was also buying a flat/changing jobs... I'd frequently sit and analyse my life choices, where I'd gone wrong, if only I'd given that relationship more time I wouldn't be in this situation now etc etc. I genuinely felt I'd messed up and would remain childless not by choice.

Now that I'm pregnant, I feel different when it comes to dating because that panic and dread are no longer here. I will get what I want - presuming all goes well with the birth - so when/if I date again I'll be looking for someone for me/not someone to procreate with/be a pseudo-daddy to my child. There will be no time pressure. I feel very much in control now.

I'm really tired of hearing that women's only options in relation to having a family are 'keep dating ad infinitum' sometimes coming from single people or smug couples who have no idea what inline dating is like.

Many people don't find a partner - the apps are designed to keep us trapped on there as long as possible and keep making them money otherwise they'd be out of business. Dating is emotionally exhausting/ can be financially expensive and can erode our self esteem beyond belief. Most people I know didn't meet on the apps but via more organic routes such as school/university/work/nights out. At 36 I'd long stopped having these options (school/university) I didn't particularly want to mix work and dating (I never met anyone I found attractive at work anyway). The more you date doesn't equal to better success.

Finding a partner isn't a meritocracy exercise. There's no formula to it. And I did everything 'right'. Discussed my wishes early on dates about what I was looking for etc. I was also feeling so lonely as have no good family/friends support network. Dating was pure hell for me.

Sorry for the rant! If you wish to know more about my solo parenting route PM me, otherwise good luck with whatever you decide.

I would think it would be much more depressing and scary to spend your life (and have a child) with a man you say is incompatible than to be single no?

You need to learn to be alone, and find hobbies etc to fill your time instead of relationship filling it.

@NotaCoolMum

I would think it would be much more depressing and scary to spend your life (and have a child) with a man you say is incompatible than to be single no?

It would be but realistically speaking most likely Op and the man won't even get to stage they're seriously talking about TTC/actually TTC. Fertility is also fickle, we're all different, so until you try you won't know if it's going to happen easily for you or not.

Staying in a dead-end relationship will most definitely waste her time

@GoodnightGrandma

You need to learn to be alone, and find hobbies etc to fill your time instead of relationship filling it.

It doesn't answer Op's desire for a child: hobbies won't help with that It's a separate issue. I'd never have been happy just with hobbies: I wanted s family/child as well as hobbies

anthurium - well then let’s advise her to put up and shut up just so she gets a child 🙄

@GoodnightGrandma

anthurium - well then let’s advise her to put up and shut up just so she gets a child 🙄

I didn't - if you read my response properly I have given her my story of doing it alone via a sperm donor.

Why is the response (almost always) learn to be alone?? I am alone/single and now happy with it but will have a child without a man in the picture.

@GoodnightGrandma

Hobbies don't bring the same emotional fulfilment as having strong,emotional connections to people does.

If you have very few friends, family not close by, how exactly are you supposed to feel fill your 'emotional' cup with once a week life drawing class? It isn't enough. It's an activity, something enjoyable and a good time filler but not an emotional experience iyswim.

I think people who who have 'families' plenty of social contact time with good friends really don't understand this. They hardly ever fill days with 'hobbies' maybe for an hour or so, because the rest of their time is spent socialising with a partner/family/friends.

@zonky totally agree

I get this a lot from well meaning friends who all happen to be in loving relationships themselves, "learn to be alone" and "find a hobby". I find it frustrating because like @zonky says, I want a connection with another person, I dont want to learn to be alone and I have enough things to keep me busy.

OP I totally get it, the dating scene is so draining and feels hopeless at times. I wish the dating apps would disappear and we could go back to meeting someone the old fashioned way as I feel OLD has encouraged really bad behaviours. Ghosting and unwanted sexting is now so easy for people, plus the sweet shop mentality. I dont know what the answer is.

You need to find yourself - sounds like you have lost yourself in this relationship. You can feel more lonely in a relationship than being on your own. Please don't stay for the sake of not being on your own - and bringing a child into the situation would not work if you are not compatible. Try to be positive and accept this relationship is not right - you may meet the one but to do that you need to break free and find yourself again

@anthurium

Why do you feel you HAVE to go back to the dating scene (for the sake of having a family)?

I hope my story offers some insight...

I was married from early 30s until 36 (incompatible/different long term plans), so we parted as amicably as possible. I dated aggressively from 36 until 37 (I realised it'd be really difficult/impossible to find someone who I fancy/wants the same things as me (family)/at the same time without compromising)...I stopped actively dating and met someone online who I had a situanship with from the ages of 37-39. Really got on/loved each other but there was no future (he was younger and not interested in having a family at that point in his life). Before meeting him, I'd started having ideas about solo parenting... so last year aged 38 I did fertility tests to see what my fertility clinical picture was like: it showed surprisingly good ovarian reserve apart from a blocked fallopian tube. So I did IUI (intrauterine insemination) with a sperm donor and it didn't work. Took a 6 month break and fast forward to Feb this year, aged 39, I did IVF with a sperm donor and was very fortunate to find out that the treatment had worked the first time. I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and all going well, due to give birth in Dec. Chances of conceiving with IVF for my age group were less than 30%. I was very very fortunate. Costs wise I spent around 7/8k.

I simply couldn't do any more dating - I totally understand how you feel. The period between 36-39 was the most depressing/despairing time of my life. I absolutely hated the rinse and repeat cycle of dates/disappointment/do it again and again etc. And time was just slipping by further and further. Though I enjoyed spending time with the person I had a situanship with, I knew it was still wasting my fertility time...I was also buying a flat/changing jobs... I'd frequently sit and analyse my life choices, where I'd gone wrong, if only I'd given that relationship more time I wouldn't be in this situation now etc etc. I genuinely felt I'd messed up and would remain childless not by choice.

Now that I'm pregnant, I feel different when it comes to dating because that panic and dread are no longer here. I will get what I want - presuming all goes well with the birth - so when/if I date again I'll be looking for someone for me/not someone to procreate with/be a pseudo-daddy to my child. There will be no time pressure. I feel very much in control now.

I'm really tired of hearing that women's only options in relation to having a family are 'keep dating ad infinitum' sometimes coming from single people or smug couples who have no idea what inline dating is like.

Many people don't find a partner - the apps are designed to keep us trapped on there as long as possible and keep making them money otherwise they'd be out of business. Dating is emotionally exhausting/ can be financially expensive and can erode our self esteem beyond belief. Most people I know didn't meet on the apps but via more organic routes such as school/university/work/nights out. At 36 I'd long stopped having these options (school/university) I didn't particularly want to mix work and dating (I never met anyone I found attractive at work anyway). The more you date doesn't equal to better success.

Finding a partner isn't a meritocracy exercise. There's no formula to it. And I did everything 'right'. Discussed my wishes early on dates about what I was looking for etc. I was also feeling so lonely as have no good family/friends support network. Dating was pure hell for me.

Sorry for the rant! If you wish to know more about my solo parenting route PM me, otherwise good luck with whatever you decide.

Hallelujah! I adore your strength and determination.🙂

Read this book, join all the associated groups on fb, get an affiliated coach if you can afford it and everything will change. I started dating again in my thirties and found it a mine field but doing the things I’ve mentioned turned things around ( I only very briefly coached as most of it is straightforward) and I soon met my now dh and we now have a child. www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling/dp/0749957247?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Itsbeen84yearss

Read this book, join all the associated groups on fb, get an affiliated coach if you can afford it and everything will change. I started dating again in my thirties and found it a mine field but doing the things I’ve mentioned turned things around ( I only very briefly coached as most of it is straightforward) and I soon met my now dh and we now have a child. ]]

You can't prove (scientifically) that having followed these steps has led you to having this relationship. Dating is not a meritocracy exercise. Do you ever think it could have just been a fluke, a right person at the right time?? Millions of of people meet organically without 'self-help books' ...plus it suggests the rest of us have somehow been 'doing' it wrong... When we haven't it's timing/luck in my opinion

@Moonmagic24

Thank you

@anthurium well done for taking control of your life and congratulations on your pregnancy! I read your reply several times and actually our history is so similar. I can relate to everything you have written and it is so refreshing to hear! I have just come out of a relationship where we will not compatible on several things including children etc. I have some questions and I'll send you DM if that is OK?

@anthurium no of course there’s no scientific evidence. But a lot of women don’t know how to handle men, pick the wrong men, have poor boundaries…These things all mean lots of time wasted on the wrong men and dating burn out.
No I do not believe I would have met and married my dh without the help of that book and the coaching and support I had to stop me making poor dating decisions and wasting time and energy on OLD

@Itsbeen84yearss good it worked for you but no guarantee that finding the "right" man will lead to having a family together. Men might say they want children when you first meet and later change their minds or might want children x amount of years into the future which will then be too late for the woman. A book is not going to help with that aspect of things.

OP you have loads of time. Be single, join social groups, go back onto OLD if you can be bothered but take it all with a pinch of salt. Be honest with exactly what you want eg. having a family and only pick men who want the same (although again no guarantee on outcome). In addition, do what @anthurium has done and look into prospect of donor or adoption etc. I am older, already have DC but wanted another. Spent a lot of time in recent relationship thinking it might happen but now realise he didn't really want kids and we were incompatible. I guess I did not want to admit that at the time and he kept me hanging on. But be thankful you have many years left to either meet someone else or look into donor etc

One step at a time.

I've been there. At one point I only had 1 day no contact. Now I have 6.5 years no contact.

You are strong. You have the strength. If you didn't you wouldn't even see the problems. So, you just need to prepare yourself, get ready and do what needs to be done.

I did that a few years ago, after losing years and years saying to myself that I wasn't ready, or strong enough. Now I just turned 40 and I am making a baby on my own. You're young. Young and strong.