I don't feel guilty (TW: bereavement)

[Nachostress]

I've been a bit lost in dates/timescales during covid times, but my job requires a lot of date references when I'm writing reports. Some of them seemed relevant in my head but I didn't immediately think why.

I realised today that some of them are relevant to my mum dying (going into hospital, death, funeral etc) Ten years ago.

I didn't have a good relationship. My mum didn't like my very much. She ended up a single parent and very resentful of that fact; she blamed us for the break up but especially me (I'm the youngest) She worked hard and did what she could but she found life just very hard overall and it felt like basic care was a favour that we should feel grateful for. As we got older she had a series of boyfriends who are best ignored us, at worst were abusive to her and we felt the impact/atmosphere. There was a lot of emotional abuse and perhaps some neglect (depending on what you'd consider reasonable for the time)

She died relatively young due to poor health overall (smoking, drinking - her coping mechanisms - stress, and weight, all added up to something that meant she died of something that wouldn't normally be life threatening/life limiting)

We didn't have a good time growing up. I think she caused a lot of harm but I don't think it was intentional. She was in a generation where having kids was expected rather than a choice. She did what she could and didn't have much support/guidance.

I don't want to be a martyr, but I still feel bad that I didn't pick up on the dates. In one sense ten years seems like a long time and so its ok to let things slip? But then another part of me thinks that a decade is a significant anniversary and I that I should more respectful and not hold on to grudges. (Though I'm not sure if it's a grudge or just lack of relationship?)

Anyway I just wondered if anyone else has experienced similar? I do feel guilty that I wasn't more upset about my mum dying - I was upset at the time, but tbh within weeks life felt easier. I don't really remember a time that our relationship felt supportive, only ever that she was someone i worried about and had to try and soothe/reassure or care for (practically, as I got older) But then a big part of me feels horrible that I didn't even notice ten years from her death.

I never mention losing my mum IRL because i feel it comes with certain societal expectations/assumptions - about closeness, people being irreplaceable, grief etc - that I can't keep up with. So I'd just be interested in this more anonymous forum whether anyone can relate.
(NC for this btw)

My mum died about seven years ago and i never remember the date (on the actual day she died) apart from the first couple of years after her death.
We had a slightly tricky relationship but not too bad, I suppose. We were just very different people.

My poor mum's death was definitely a release, she had Alzheimer's for sone 10 years before she died. In the later stages it was much worse for the family than it was for her.

It sounds like you had a really difficult up bringing. Just because you are related through blood does not mean you will have unconditional love and respect for a parent.
Chilhood events shape us as adults - you knew from an early age things were not right. My friend had a terrible relationship with his mother - she was very cruel and abusive - she died of cancer - he was relieved that she died in pain on her own in a small room facing a wall. He refused to go to her funeral as he had no respect for her.
My mother passed when I was 35 from an aggressive form of parkinsons disease. I felt a release when she passed as she suffered so much. I do not visit the grave as this brings me no comfort at all - I also do not consider dates - this would have been her birthday, this was the day she passed, this was the day of the funeral because it is in the past now - my father says - your mum would have been 80 this year - yes true but she is not alive is she so why say it.

Thanks both, that's helpful. I think because it wasn't straightforward abusive/intentional I find it harder to reconcile. And of course the only public mentions we have of this sort of thing are usually the positives; people talking about someone they really miss & want to keep a memory alive. It's sad, but helpful, to know that it's not the same for everyone.

OP I can totally relate to what you have described. My mum wasn't the worst mother in the world but she also wasn't the best, she had a very short temper and would lash out verbally and physically frequently. As a child my overriding emotion with regards to her was one of fear and all of the stand out memories of my childhood were not nice ones, for example I don't recall affection or cuddles or her telling me she loved me even though she wasn't such a terrible mum that she didn't show me love, it's more I don't remember that, I just remember her screaming her head off at me and whacking me with whatever came to hand for any slight misdemeanour. When I became an adult our relationship did improve a bit but in a way I was always on alert trying to appease her in some way even though I logically knew that she couldn't hurt me any more. I was relieved when she died and I don't miss her, which feels like an awful thing to say, but that's how I feel.

I always feel guilty about not wanting to talk to my mum (who is still alive). There was no physical abuse or neglect. In fact the opposite, my mother worked her fingers to the bone for us: cooking, sewing, spotless house, ferrying us to activities, private school, generous house deposit. BUT after nearly 50 years I am so sick of her relentless criticism and continual inferences that I am a shit person. When I heard the expression 'your place is in the wrong' I thought, yep, that sums up her attitude. And if you call her out on it she simply denies the hurtful things she has said. I think I'd feel relieved if she died but who knows.

My mum has Vascular Dementia/Alzheimers. She doesn't know who I am and I've not seen her for a while (she's in a care facility). Nothing bad happened between me and my mum, we got on fine but we were never really close, I never thought of her as very maternal.

I know that when my mum dies it will be sad (it's likely within the next year or so), but I feel quite disconnected and it will be a relief that she's not suffering from this awful disease anymore - I feel bad that I already know I won't meet peoples expectations of grief and what it should look like.

I already feel like I've lost my mum, it will just be closing the chapter.

Don't feel guilty OP. It's fine not to remember the dates, and it's okay not to feel a lot of sadness, given your relationship.

Sounds like you did your best for your mum in a difficult situation. Why are the dates so important to you, does it feel disrespectful to not remember? My very distant father died in 2015, in the Spring, I don’t remember the date, I never give it any thought.
My beloved sister died the same year, it’s still horrendous.

Are the dates important to you or is it a society thing?

I think social media has made a big deal of - well everything - but dates for this sort of thing especially.

When my grandma died, dad's brother seemed to get over it very quickly. Others in the family found it odd. I just think people are different.

I couldn't tell you the date she died.