When does the love stop.

[NCfortoday2021]

Made previous thread about porn-addicted husband. And I do mean addicted in terms of using to the extent it is damaging multiple areas of life, not just our marriage. Interactive stuff online, not just passive.

Things are ticking slowly towards divorce and he has gone to stay with family today. My question is, if you split up with someone while you still love them, how long does it take for the love to fade away?

Obviously rationally I shouldn't love him for everything he has done, hence the steps I am taking. However I do, I suppose in the same way you would still love a family member if they did something awful so how long can I expect this torture to last?

We have a young toddler and a 7 year old so we will continue to see each other for the rest of our lives in theory.

There is no definitive answer. Do you mean in love with the ideal version of him? I think once the fit has settled and you get used to be single then it will start to fade. Concentrate on yourself. I still care for the father of my child (well, nearly adult!) and many of my exes where the split was amicable.

Good luck 💐

Sort of the ideal version. Maybe the version he was when things were going well. It's just so confusing.

I guess there is a small part of me that hopes for the Hollywood 'I've made a mistake but I'll change for you.'

Whereas it is actually probably relief on his side that he can go with his fantasies, doubtless hooking up with many other women irl now he is 'free.'

My post should come with a trigger warning, so here it is... I'm coming from a harsh perspective.

I'm mid divorce from a porn-addicted husband. I couldn't give a rat's ass if he lives or dies, but my situation is deeply traumatic because it involves child abuse, something every mother of a porn-addicted partner needs to strongly consider, without question. Sorry if I sound agenda-driven, but honestly, you'd be mad to want to love or raise a child with a man who is addicted to watching women being exploited. You cannot raise daughters to be positive, empowered females if you're jerking off to females being exploited, full stop. And men who are addicted to this exploitive shit aren't deserving of love. My views are pretty hardcore, based on my own experience.
Your husband has an addiction that he has allowed to ruin all areas of his life, I am sure. What on earth is there to love? This isn't a rescue mission, OP. He may come across as the vulnerable addict who needs your mother's love (lived it, learned it). He's an asshole who is so unwilling to change, he's willing to lose his family to his addiction.

Yes, they ALL have their good parts, their nice points... nice points that mean nothing when they're willing to let their lives collapse into a heap and hurt the people they love because they can't and won't stop doing the thing that is driving the pain into every aspect of their lives.

I hope this will knock some of the love out of you. You need to love YOU and your children. He doesn't deserve your love... he only gave you crumbs. Get therapy... really. The kindest, most loving thing you could do is self refer and untangle this mess from your head. Release this man and his damage back to the wild. And protect your kids from his damage. Make him prove he's a decent father, if that's what he wants to be, post-divorce. But don't just hand the kids over to a man who is sick. He's not capable of being a partner or a parent right now. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

It wears off gradually.

I think the scales have already fallen from your eyes but you remember good times.

You will probably slowly come to realise that he hadn't turned into a monster overnight.

Maybe there will be a hollywood ending for you but in reality he picked porn over his family.

Hope you move on and maybe meet someone nice who doesn't think with his dick

I threw my lying, deceitful dh out... I was crushed... Cried solid for 2 weeks I mean at the drop of a hat. Couldn't function at all.
Then something switched... There was a decent life out there for me. And I was going to bloody have it!! And I remarried and we have a ds. Haven't thought of exh for years now.. Been over 9 years. I loved him. But I realised I loved me more!!

I think they say one month for every year you have been together. But new routines, new interests etc and circumstances obviously come into account.

Thank you everyone. I have two daughters so my concerns are from a feminist perspective, child abuse perspective and personal relationship perspective. I have had counselling in the past (for issues caused by him but was able to go over more traumatic childhood stuff at same time) and would definitely go again. Where I will find the time I don't know!

It really is a sickness like alcoholism or something. Not that there isn't a choice - there's always a choice but I mean in terms of how terrible the impact is.

@nancybotwinbloom

I think they say one month for every year you have been together. But new routines, new interests etc and circumstances obviously come into account.

Jesus I hope not. I don't think I'll survive if it's that long.

It really is a sickness like alcoholism or something. Not that there isn't a choice - there's always a choice but I mean in terms of how terrible the impact is.

Yes. Addiction is a sickness and it is miserable. But too often, we get swept up in that compassionate rhetoric to the point of putting the empathy we have for that 'sick person' before the well-being of ourselves and our children. You have to draw firm lines in the sand and walk away from addicts who are unwilling to help themselves. As long as they're willing to continue to inflict pain on those who love them, you have to walk away, for the sake of your children.

Go through his browser history and watch all of it for a few hours. Remember the person wanking while watching all this is your daughters male role model. That should kill it.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Go through his browser history and watch all of it for a few hours. Remember the person wanking while watching all this is your daughters male role model. That should kill it.

It's worse than that unfortunately as it is all paid for cam girl stuff, not prerecorded.

He used family money to wank basically @NCfortoday2021.

Each woman he wanked to was someone's daughter, probably exploited and trafficked.

Your STBXH is a wanker and an exploiter. He is not worthy of your love.

I remember your other thread well, OP.
I can't emphasize therapy enough. You would do well working on your own mindset here, for lack of a better way of putting it... and this is so not a 'self-blame' thing I'm putting onto you. Not in the least. It's about learning to let go of that sense of responsibility for the addict. Familiarity, more than actual love, binds us to people. And it's sometimes hard to differentiate between familiarity and love. Certainly there's a crossover. But we spend years building a dream, establishing a life, and having children with some very damaged people whose actions and behaviour we put first before our own welfare and well-being.
It would be really, really good (and essential) to unpack this with a therapist, to understand why we enable such people who are actively destroying the very lives we've established with them. The more you unpack and learn about your own responses to the addict's behaviour, the more you can strengthen your resolve to move on and forge ahead in life, happier, healthier, better!