Is this normal parent response to a difficult child

[ThatDreass]

I’ve had therapy recently and faced up to some things my parents said/did when I was younger. So as not to drip feed, I had huge support as a child, I’m in a good job now and have a home and my parents are there if I call and I know they care and love me. In fact I get on with them better now than ever and both of them had difficult childhoods in their own way.

I’m just struggling with some of this and I guess wanting to know how ‘normal’ this was. Is this tame stuff, usual parenting mistakes?

As a very young child I would be dragged upstairs if I didn’t go to bed. This would result in me getting more upset and angry and I would throw things round and then my parents would grab me more and throw me around.

One time after a holiday somewhere, I don’t remember the details but all the way home in the car my dad was furious, as was my mum. They shouted at me, I must have misbehaved while away or embarrassed them. I could be quite badly behaved. Anyway I remember the car journey was around 3 hours. My heart was pounding. When we got home they went to my bedroom and completely trashed it, everything was smashed to smithereens, you couldn’t even walk into the room without treading on broken plastic, glass, ornaments. I had to climb over it all to get into bed. Often if I had been badly behaved when out somewhere my dad would hit me when we got home (he has since apologised for this, once, when we had a huge row many years later. He also was hit as a child).

My mum would say I was weird and why couldn’t I be more like my friends etc. I probably was a bit weird, I didn’t like doing what most kids did and was quite shy. One time I had arranged to go to the cinema around 35 minute drive from our house (we lived in the countryside). My parents dropped me off and agreed to pick me up after the film. It was late, around 10pm I think, maybe later. When I got to the car my friend asked for a lift home as it was on the way back, maybe a five minute detour. They were very pleasant to her and dropped her off. In the car my friend had said she wished I was staying over. When we drove back after we had dropped her off, my parents went ballistic with me saying how dare I have them driving around so late on a Saturday night when my friend had invited me to stay over. I never liked staying over with friends, so I hadn’t said I could stay to my friend. They went mad saying they were too old for this (they were late 40s at the time). I was 17. I felt so embarrassed about it all and I’ve never forgotten the journey home. What I really needed was them to ask if I was ok/what was stopping me staying over. I didn’t have the confidence I needed and would have been grateful to have had support from them.

I remember my parents talking to other family members about me and how difficult I was, even when I was very little. I was constantly compared to my sister, who my mum said she was so glad she had a daughter like her.

One day when I must have been having a tantrum I was told I was a devil child.

There’s lots more but these are the things that come to mind today. Often nowadays my parents will say they are old now (60) and want to enjoy their life and haven’t got long left. They do nice things like my dad helped to fit and pay for a new kitchen. They support me with my successes. I know they are proud of me but this childhood just makes me feel sad and sick and scared whenever I think of it. I think I must have been pretty difficult as a child, all my family joke about that now. Maybe this was a reasonable response? It’s hard to make sense of it all.

Are you autistic, OP? A lot of your 'transgressions' sound like they weren't your fault.

None of that sounds reasonable at all.

I had parents who were a bit disinterested and I felt like an inconvenience but your experience is violent and unacceptable. Sorry you went through this.

They were adults. You were the child. Horrible behaviour from them.

@picketingpanic

Are you autistic, OP? A lot of your 'transgressions' sound like they weren't your fault.

@picketingpanic I don’t think so. Not been diagnosed. I was very stressed as a child. Very analytical but as a teen very sociable and had a lot of friends, was very popular, could talk to anyone etc. Not sure if that fits autism, i wouldn’t rule it out!

It is not your fault all this happened to you; this is all on the perpetrators i.e your parents who behaved abusively towards you as a child. How could any of this be your fault?. No and sadly no-one looked out for you either. I would not want to distress you further but these are not the actions of caring people

They had a choice when it came to you and it looks like they re-enacted their own issues extending from their crap childhoods on you. As for support that was likely all conditional on you "behaving well" and that may be so even now. Its the effects all this has left on you that is important to address and I hope therapy was helpful to you. I would further suggest you read about fear, obligation and guilt because I am certain your parents instilled these buttons in you.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here appears to be one of scapegoat (your sister was and likely too remains more favoured). They support you with your successes but that could be because that looks good on them. There is still no emotional support from them and such support too is conditional (even your dad helping you with your kitchen is actually not the nice gesture it seems). I am wondering if they see you as an extension of them. Its awful as well that you are still joked about; I would seriously consider further lowering all social interactions with people who mock you like this because it is unacceptable.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

OP your parents were abusive and I'm sorry you went through all of this.

I'm glad you've got a better relationship now.

I wonder if some of it is guilt because of the way they treated you?

I feel your parents were jealous of you and your popularity amongst outsiders and did everything possible to keep you down.

You're not on any autistic spectrum and even if you were it still does not matter. Its your parents who remain at fault here for what they did to you (and in turn your property, smashing up your room as a child was abusive behaviour from your mother) and I doubt very much they have at all apologised to you, let alone accept any responsibility for their actions. Such people do not do those things.

Gosh this was really hard to read. Both parents going and smashing up your room :(
You must have been terrified. Have you ever brought this incident up? It's so abusive.

The smashing of your room is pretty shocking, especially given that they should have calmed down a lot in 3 hours. Your parents don't sound like good people. I don't know if you have your own children now but if you do I wouldn't have these people around them unsupervised.

They sound abusive.

It was abuse.

If you had autism, it would also have been abuse.

It's also abuse if your parents had difficult childhoods. Most of the people in prison had childhoods that directly led to their offending and it's not considered a non-crime because they had difficult childhoods. You can understand where the abuse originated from, that maybe helps, so you don't blame yourself, but it doesn't nullify it.

The question is ask though is when you say you have a great relationship how abc they'll come when you call, do you ever find yourself being careful about what you say, or are you ever criticised by them?

I think you are right that you were treated badly as a child

Your parents behaviour was in no way acceptable and I am a bit surprised that wasn't addressed in therapy. I am your parents' age and My childhood had a similar level of dysfunction but from an elder brother and sister who had more control than they should have due to mother's death and father's avoidance. Looking back I realised that they were both unusually concerned with control and couldn't cope with any challenge to their rigid world views. There was not so much violence as you experienced (never acceptable) but continual verbal warfare and threats over very trivial events or disagreements. A long time ago, but it had lasting affects and contributed to my self hatred and distrust. I have had numerous attempts at psycological input, not much use due to distrust but realising my own boundaries of responsibility has been the best thing. You weren't responsible for your parents behaviour or theur feelings now, probably they had awful chidhoods too and automatically applied what they had ingested. Have you read much about enmeshed ( I think that is the correct term, having brain block) families and weak ego boundaries? i found these concepts most helpful as a big thing in my family was to blame each other for bad thoughts and feelings and then act out. Also the phrase not my circus, not my monkeys is great for fixing your boundaries.

So sorry OP - that was tough reading, especially about your room being trashed! Your parents were abusive. And saying they haven’t got long left & want to enjoy their lives is manipulative. If they’re early 60s they could easily have another 20 years! They are still trying to put you in your place I think. The joking is awful too. I would maybe continue with therapy & as pp’s have said, maybe reduce contact with those family members that think it’s ok to poke fun at you.

Have you discussed any if this with your sister. She must have been there to see all this. It sounds crazy to think you now have a loving relationship with them they sound unhinged.

Sorry to come back so soon but I had to check if my use of term 'enmeshed' was correct. It is and I found this explanation here:
]https: //www.regain.us/advice/general/the-enmeshed-family-14-signs-of-enmeshment-and-how-to-overcome-difficult-relationship-dynamics/]
^"You may be part of an enmeshed relationship or family if you experience any of the following:

An unhealthy emotional attachment to a loved one that seems out of your control.
Shared emotions, where you have difficulty distinguishing your feelings and emotions from those of your partner or family member.
The desire for support and validation purposes. 
Lack of healthy families gathering and events.  
Inability to have engaged relationships with others outside of your immediate family.
An unclear identity, due to your loved one's insistence on spending every available moment together. A level of family cohesion and enmeshment moderate in levels may be at play. 
Lack of alone time and space, due to your loved one's insistence on spending every available moment together.
Relational boundaries are overly off putting and unstable.
The need to be rescued from difficult emotions or the expectation that you'll rescue your loved one from his or her challenging emotions.
Guilt, shame, and anxiety that arises from meeting your personal needs in place of providing emotional support to your partner or family member.
Intense fear of conflict and abandonment.
Inability of setting boundaries that are healthy.
The inability to feel "up" when your loved one is feeling "down," due to your partner or family member's need for control. Your loved one may attempt to dictate every aspect of your life, from your friendships and relationships to your political and religious beliefs and sexual preferences. Family events separate from the controllers grasp may be unattainable.

In addition to the unhealthy dynamics above, an enmeshed relationship between a parent and child may be characterized by the following:

Inappropriate roles, such as the parent becoming the child's best friend, and the child acting as the parent's primary (or only) source of emotional support. The child may also become the parent's confidant and be expected to keep family secrets.
Favoritism, where a parent voices that one child is his or her favorite, or exhibits favoritism through his or her actions, including special privileges.
Lack of boundaries regarding privacy between the parent and child.
Overinvolvement in the child's relationships, activities, accomplishments, and problems.
The pressure to remain in the same town as the parent, or to attend a nearby college. Enmeshed parents often make their adult children feel guilty for pursuing interests and activities outside of the family unit.

What Causes Enmeshment?

There's no doubt that enmeshment is a complex relationship dynamic, and the root cause(s) can be just as complicated. Examples include:

Growing up in an enmeshed family environment, which can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships free from enmeshment. Unhealthy patterns tend to be passed down through multiple generations when enmeshed relationships exist.
The desire to break free from a parent's rigid rules and boundaries, and making a conscious effort to steer clear of rigidity in the hope of breaking the family cycle, which can sometimes result in enmeshment.
A parent's reaction to a child's illness or trauma, when the parent feels an intense desire to keep his or her child safe from further physical or emotional harm, even after the illness or traumatic event has passed. Enmeshed relationships can set a child up for a lifetime of confusion and conflict.

The Effects Of Enmeshment

The long-term effects of enmeshment can impact an individual's life into adolescence and adulthood. Common effects include:

Personality disorders and other mental health issues.
Self-esteem problems, often due to a lack of identity and sense of self.
Boundary issues, as healthy boundaries, were not modeled during childhood.
Unstable relationships, due to family instability during childhood.
Eating disorders, which may be prompted by the need for control in a person's life.
Substance use disorders and self-destructive behaviors. Many individuals attempt to relieve their emotional pain by turning to alcohol, drugs, and other addictive behaviors.
Lacking a relationship on how to redirect negativity.
Physical health problems, such as headaches, fatigue, sleep problems, and chronic pain.

The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. "^

My mum was like this.. now i am older i can clearly see she has mental disorders / psychopathic traits