Debt in relationships

[Tiredofthis21]

Hoping someone can help me untangle my feelings about this mess..

I'll start by saying I understand nothing about loans/debts/credit cards. I'm not and never have been well off, but haven't ventured into the world of credit cards, just scrapped by on what we've got.

Dp and I have been together 5+ years, have one child together. When we moved in together he moved in with me, and pays me half the amount of bills, so they're all in my name.

This morning it's come to light that dp has debts that's he's actively avoiding. Bills from his old house and a credit card. I don't know the total amount but at least 3k. These accounts have been closed and the money passed to debt collectors.

Just to be clear I know most people have a bit of debt and it's not a big deal, but dp is actively avoiding paying these, ignoring letters, phone calls etc. Even though he could easily set up a payment plan. And hasn't ever mentioned this to me. I asked him this morning what happens when someone comes knocking on the door, his response was "They usually don't, I've done this before." And that the only thing in our house worth taking was an expensive item of his, nothing we have holds value, so he doesn't know why I'm worried.

This is illegal, wrong and deceitful right? I don't want bailiffs at our door, or a partner who lies about something like this. Or am I just naive and uneducated about debt?

It's not right to borrow money with the intention of never paying it back, and the fact that the debt is now in collection will preclude him from getting a credit card or loan in the future. He may even be turned down if he wants a new mobile phone.

That said, debt is usually a civil matter, not a criminal one. His behavior is still awful and doesn't speak well for him as a partner and father. Having good credit is important to the well being of your family. You should consider getting a credit card in your own name.

I'd be telling him to move his arse out of my house. He obviously thinks his behaviour is fine. He doesn't seem bothered if it comes to your door either. Don't be surprised if he moves out, that he doesn't pay for your DC, he obviously thinks some things are for everyone else to be responsible for.

If he's not willing to sort his debt and hasn't been open with you about it I'd ask him to leave.

The debts might jot be a deal breaker for me, the head in the sand attitude really would be a deal breaker for me.

On a completely separate point, I'd encourage you to get a credit card. Use it for something like food or fuel shopping so that there are regular transactions going through it and set up for it to be paid off in full each month.

Best way to build your credit worthiness even. Just don't ever use it to buy things you can't afford to payoff.

It's probably not a popular opinion but some of the top ten maybe top five things I look for in a partner is financial security and someone who takes responsibility. Integrity is quite important to me. It doesn't sound like he has much in this instance.

There are charities such as StepChange etc but doesn't sound like he is interested. Do not be tempted to pay off his debts.

Don't be foolish enough to ever marry this man, and never allow him any access to your accounts. Personally, I couldn't be with someone like this. It speaks volumes about his true character.

It's a really tricky one. In itself the debt is not the issue, but his attitude is certainly a problem. Find out exactly what the money he spent was spent on if you can. Never get a joint account with him for anything. Ever. Maybe counselling would help him if he has issues with his attitude to money. You could stay with him just limit your exposure to all the risk be is bringing to your door, and you need advice from step change etc in order to find out how to do this.

I’m pretty sure you won’t enjoy the sort of people a certain kind of debt collection agencies send to your door.

I’d tell him to go away. He has stolen from other people and he won’t think twice about stealing from you. I’d also suggest you sign on for a free credit report (credit karma or clear score are free and update monthly) in case he takes debt in your name fraudulently.

Thank you for the responses. Like I say our bills are in my name so I don't have to worry about those being paid. He's always paid me his fair share. And in most other areas he's a good partner and dad.

But it is really bloody stupid of him to have this attitude. Thank you for your thoughts on this.

I hope you have receipts and can prove everything in the house is yours or you will have a hard time stopping some of them from taking your stuff. Some debt collectors are shady as fuck.

I could not live with someone like that. Always wondering when the knock on the door will come.
Also it shows they are a person without good morals who is happy to dodge their responsibilities. Not someone I'd trust to make a life with.

It's fraud. He may have done it before and got away with it but sooner or later he'll borrow from someone less law abiding.
He's doing this intentionally as a strategy which makes him a minor con artist. I'd kick him out. It's only a matter of time before it has an impact on you.

Also, do you want your child growing up accepting dishonesty as a way of life?

I'm in more debt than that, but the difference is that I pay it off according to the contract that I signed and only took out what I could afford. I don't think I could trust someone who avoided debt like this. Imagine ever venturing in to buying a house together, or a car etc. The avoidance would b a deal breaker for me!

In the grand scheme of things £3k debt isnt that much. But he should be attempting to pay it off. Id be worried there was more to it.