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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Poor self esteem - worried it’ll affect great relationship

8 replies

holla21 · 20/10/2021 13:56

I’m in a really lovely, loving, fairly new relationship with my boyfriend. He’s encouraging, hilarious and bigs me up all the time.

The thing is, I’ve suffered with really poor self esteem for a while. I’ve had therapy, medication and counselling in the past and I don’t find anything to be overly effective.
I have a really overactive brain which is constantly overthinking and is very very perceptive, so if anything I’m too observant:

  • I can’t ever sing to myself casually because my brain will say “ew why would you do that, your voice is horrible, shut up”. My brain is always on overdrive about every little thing I do and I make myself cringe constantly
  • I cringe saying lovely things to my boyfriend - I mean every word and can text quite happily but I hate my voice so when I hear myself say something cute, I cringe for ages
  • I genuinely look in the mirror and think I look abysmal, I have acne scars and I know I don’t look like any typical pretty girls my age (I’m 23). Bf bigs me up all the time and I know he means it, but I just think it everytime I see myself or pics/videos. I also have tiny lips haha so is a big insecurity of mine
  • I’ve been told before I have impostor syndrome and genuinely think I’ve been so jammy in getting my job and my boyfriend

I don’t genuinely think my boyfriend would leave me for someone else, and I wouldn’t say I’m clingy or jealous type at all. I am confident in how he feels about me. But sometimes it does cross my mind that I am too ugly or too useless for him and it does make me quite sad.
I also don’t really have any hobbies outside of work and when I try new things I get frustrated when I’m not instantly good.

I just don’t know what to do as I feel like I’ve tried every option and I’m constantly worrying - now I have an amazing boyfriend who is my biggest cheerleader but I really don’t wanna end up ruining it. What can I do?

OP posts:
holla21 · 20/10/2021 14:41

Any advice re not cringing at myself 24/7 would be much appreciated 😂 thanks!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2021 14:51

Who has been saying such things to you?. What sort of therapy have you had to date?.

holla21 · 20/10/2021 15:36

One of my old counsellors said it! And I’ve had counselling, therapy, CBT and I’ve been on medication for anxiety x

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 20/10/2021 15:58
  • When did it start?
  • What is/was your relationship with your parents like?
  • What's your relationship history like?
  • What are some things that people do that make you REALLY respect them?

(sorry for the bullet points, it seems efficient!)

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 20/10/2021 22:28

OP have you tried just taking your boyfriend out of thr equation?

I do not mean by dumping him btw!

Hear me out -

It would be the best scenario of you could be secure and happy for you. Not because it will be better for a relationship with a man but because it will be best for your own happiness. It's so much more robust this way.

Dont get happy and secure for the sake of a relationship surviving. If that ever broke down you could feel your 'security' go with it and be back at square one.

Do it for yourself because it will serve you forever and ever....regardless if that relationship survives or not! You get to keep what you build inside. Now that is really powerful.

gannett · 21/10/2021 09:12

A lot of how you feel is how I felt at 23. The good news is that I'm now 38, firmly on the right side of confident when it comes to my brain, accomplishments, face and body. The bad news is there wasn't a quick fix and it's a long-term process - self-esteem isn't a button you press, it's something that comes ever so gradually and without you even realising. One day you wake up and think, fuck, I actually like myself, when did that happen? It's also an ongoing process - put me in certain situations and I can shrivel right back into my old overthinking, insecure self. I doubt anyone ever gets to Full Self-Esteem (and tbh the people who look like they have are also dickheads).

Scattered things I think have been useful.

Hold on to the thing you like best about yourself. The thing you know about. Your brain or your fitness or a skill you have. There IS something. If you can't think of anything, try believing your boyfriend when he tells you what it is! For me, I always knew I was book-smart. Fat lot of practical good it did me sometimes, but it validated me. Think of it as your trump card in life even when the rest of your hand doesn't seem like much.

Fake it til you make it. Cliched advice but it works, or at least it gets you through the week. Head up, look people in the eye, imagine what a confident person would do and then Do It. You can go quiver in the loos afterwards (I have done this).

Think about ego. There's a way in which getting tied up in your low self-esteem is actually being quite self-absorbed. You end up thinking about yourself, yourself, yourself all the time. Realise other people don't care. They're not judging you because they're thinking about themselves. Open your eyes and look at other people on the street. You'd never judge their faces, their skin or whatever as harshly as you judge yourself.

About looks. I also had insecurities about not looking like all the conventionally pretty girls when I was 20. I'm mixed-race and don't really look like a typical anything. Turns out the things that make you different are actually positives. Own what you've got and work with it.

About hobbies. I also get very frustrated when I don't pick things up easily, it's a poor character trait of mine. Try thinking of it as pursuing passions and interests, not being good at a hobby. The sport I play and the language I'm learning can both be very frustrating but ultimately I stick at them because I love them. Conversely if you don't love something enough to stick at it there's no reason that you should!

Babdoc · 21/10/2021 09:26

OP, did any of your therapy include cognitive therapy, and were you taught to use the “cognitive stop”?
This is a technique for managing that flow of self sabotaging negative thoughts. Whenever your subconscious brain starts spouting the “you’re ugly, you can’t sing, you’re useless” or whatever, you use a strong mantra to shut it down and replace it with a positive thought.
For example, use “Shut the fuck up!” as your cognitive stop, to shock the critical negative voice into silence. You can shout this aloud if you are on your own, or just think it firmly in your head if in company.
You then say or think your “positive thought” mantra.
As an example, my abusive father used to shout “You’re hopeless, helpless and useless” at me throughout my childhood, until I internalised this and lost my self esteem.
My own subconscious would sneer this at me, undermining my confidence.
My therapist taught me to replace it with “I am loving, I am loved, I am able”.
It took a while, but regularly cutting the negative thoughts off the minute they started, and training my mind with a positive replacement, eventually worked. Give it a try!

SunflowerTed · 21/10/2021 09:31

Some of this is normal in your early 20s. There are so many perfect images on social media about how you should look a certain way, be a certain way etc. The good news is as you get older you care less about what you look like, and as your relationship develops you get more and more confident within the relationship. He sounds like a lovely guy so keep talking to him about how you feel x

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