Are crushes normal/does having a crush make you a bad person?

[SchittsCreekWithoutAPaddle]

Ok mumsnetters - as the title suggests, am I a shit excuse of a person for having a stupid crush, or is it something that most people experience at some point in the lives?

I seem to have developed a school-girl-like crush on one of the Dad’s that does the school run at my DC’s school.

A bit of background - Been with DH almost a decade, very happy together, 3 DC’s, no real problems to report regarding our relationship, the only ‘stressor’ in our lives is how difficult raising three young humans can be at times. So it’s not as if I can pick apart my relationship and pin point what’s wrong as an attempt to explain why I’ve developed a stupid bloody crush, because there really isn't anything wrong at all.

In essence, I don’t even really know this other guy, I don’t know his name and we barely speak, so this all feels utterly ridiculous to me!

Our DC’s went to the same nursery, and out of all the parents at the drop offs/picks ups, he was the only one that ever acknowledged my existence, the rest treated me like I was invisible, so the fact he said hello in passing actually wound up being quite meaningful to me (yes, I realise that sounds incredibly sad!).

When it came to DC leaving nursery to start infant school, I was almost relieved at the thought of no longer having to run in to this man, as after almost 18 months of seeing him a couple times each week, I’d grown to find him rather attractive. He has one of the kindest faces I’ve ever seen, and let’s just say that looks wise, he’s my ‘type’.

We have a LOT of infant/primary schools in our catchment area, so I thought the chances of our DC’s going to the same school would be slim (I know this man lives relatively close to me based on seeing him walk virtually the exact same route as me after the drop offs). As it turns out, our DC’s have wound up not only in the same school, but the same class (the reception year is split in to 6 different classes) and my dc and his dc have now become friends, that play with each other every day.

During the drop offs and pick ups, I’m doing my best to stand as far away from this man as possible, basically just trying to distance myself because I feel so awkward and guilty! But, full disclosure, it still makes me happy and gives me pathetic little butterflies when he spots me amongst the crowd and waves and mouths hello. I enjoy seeing him, but that also makes me feel absolutely awful!

Our DC’s forming a friendship has left me running circles in my mind. I don’t want to find myself in a situation of having play dates with this guy and his dc, but I also can’t tell my dc that he can’t see his friend outside of school!

I’m struggling to tow the line between trying to remain friendly when our paths cross - especially now that our DC’s are friends - but also trying to be nonchalant and keeping my distance.

I know threads have been done on crushes before and the general advice is ‘just stay away from them, it’ll go away’ - but my mind works in dramatic ways, so I’ve now forced myself in to a corner panicking about our DC’s becoming the best of friends, and me having to have actual conversations with this attractive man that I’m fantasising about!

God. Sorry, that was much longer than I’d planned!

Advice please, what should I do?! I quite obviously can't avoid this man forever, short of one of our DC's going to a different school, we're going to be seeing each other every day for the next 6 years!

I actually disagree with the advice to distance. Crushes often go away once we see the person as an actual human, with flaws. Plus they are fun and harmless whilst they last, why deprive yourself? So long as you aren't meeting him in private or doing anything innapropriate like that.

I say just have at it. Lean into the crush. Be friendly, hell maybe even have a cheeky flirt if you feel like it. It's school pick ups, not a holiday in Paris for two lol.

I'd assume once you've spoken to him the crush will disappear? He might be terribly boring! He might have stinky breath. Perhaps he's only interested in talking about obscure history and politics?

I wouldn't encourage it (don't exchange phone numbers and flirt!) but I wouldn't be unfriendly or rude. I'm sure it'll fizzle out on its own? Unless you're planning a declaration of love across the playground and a dirty dancing style run and lift? 😂

You're not living in a romantic novel.

You're married. You fancy another bloke. It happens all the time. Stop making it into a drama, and deal with your feelings like an adult. You sound like you're still school yourself.

It's interesting that you both mentioned about actually having a conversation with him, as I have been toying with the idea of doing that in the hopes it'll make the crush go away.

But then I think about how I'd feel if DH had a crush on someone, and he started actively seeking out conversations with her!

Oh god, I really hope he is boring!

And no, no plans to reenact Dirty Dancing - who would watch my other two DC's while I'm being thrown in to the air!?

@TheFoundations

You're not living in a romantic novel.

You're married. You fancy another bloke. It happens all the time. Stop making it into a drama, and deal with your feelings like an adult. You sound like you're still school yourself.

It's less about making it in to a drama, and more about trying to figure out what I can do to make it go away! If I've 'fancied' this man for more or less a year and a half based on nothing other than a infrequent 'hello' a few times a week, how am I going to stop this crush in its track now that I'm seeing even more often, and our DC's have become friends?

I'm just trying to do the right thing, is all.

Crushes can be horrible and quite distressing at times and also a bit embarrassing. You didn't ask for this to happen, it just did. I know what you mean about relief to not have to deal with it over the pandemic.
Are you friends on social media? If so, unfollow.
Can you adjust timings to avoid him on school runs?
Minimise contact however you manage to do it
Difficult one though

If you're busy dancing a la dirty dancing, your DCs will be twirling around you like some form of von Trapp family obviously!

I think if you have a conversation, you're not doing it with the aim of developing the crush into anything more / getting closer with him. That would be the difference for me! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Also - when the parents do drop offs, is it mainly mums? Perhaps he thinks you're the friendly face in the sea of cliquey parents!

That's exactly it @nicecheesegromit - it's not only making me feel like a terrible person, but it's also highly embarrassing given I know nothing about this person!

No, we don't have each other on social media - I don't even know the mans name which makes the situation even more laughable! I just want it all to go away, I hate having this lingering feeling of 'Oooh, I hope I see him this morning' mixed with 'God, I hope I don't run in to him!'.

We don't see each other every morning, as I'm usually always late, but we do see each other every afternoon. So far, the only thing I've come up with is standing as far away as possible, but if our DC's end up becoming really close, I suspect I'm not going to be able to avoid him forever!

There's a poem for this.

Two Cures for Love, by Wendy Cope

1. Don’t see him. Don’t phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better.

Perfectly normal, and perfectly transitory, in my experience. And I agree, by and large, that they dissipate when you get to know the person.

Despite being very happily married, I developed a violent crush on someone who worked in a neighbouring department. I thought he was killer attractive, and cool and self-contained, but I realised when I got to know him better that he had bad breath and terrible social skills -- and, furthermore, he was considered incredibly lazy and disorganised by his colleagues, who suffered bigger workloads because of it.

I actually liked this man when I got to know him, but the illusion of the cool, aloof sexpot evaporated immediately.

Love that Wendy Cope poem.

It's perfectly normal, don't beat yourself up about it. It unfailingly happens to me when my relationship with DH is going through a low patch. Find some energy to put into your real relationship and the fantasy one will dissolve.

@SantasLittleHoHoHo

If you're busy dancing a la dirty dancing, your DCs will be twirling around you like some form of von Trapp family obviously!

I think if you have a conversation, you're not doing it with the aim of developing the crush into anything more / getting closer with him. That would be the difference for me! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Also - when the parents do drop offs, is it mainly mums? Perhaps he thinks you're the friendly face in the sea of cliquey parents!

Mustn't forget that the birds would be tweeting along in harmony, too!

It is mostly mums doing the school runs, yes, and they do appear to all be relatively close knit in their little groups already - much to my frustration as I was hoping to make some mum friends, given I was seemingly unable to do so when dc was at nursery!

I do like the advice of giving a conversation a go, in the hopes it'll shatter this built up illusion of him that I seem to have!

@Clandestin I'm glad it worked out that way for you!

I think because I've spent the last 18 months knowing nothing about this man, I've almost built up a personality/character for him in my head. I suspect if I took the time to actually get to know the 'real' person, it would swiftly shatter my illusions and the crush would go away.

@OverTheRubicon

There's a poem for this.

Two Cures for Love, by Wendy Cope

1. Don’t see him. Don’t phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better.

Love this!!!

Once you realise that you can't make your feelings (in general) 'go away' and that you're not 'a terrible person' for having them (that's internal drama right there), you'll learn to start managing them responsibly instead, and start to sound a bit more grown up.

Emotions are the wild part of you. If we could choose who to find attractive and who not to find attractive, the world would be a very different place. You might as well try to control the weather. You can only choose the actions you make in response to your emotions. Things you feel are entirely personal to you, and nobody can judge you on them unless you tell people about them. Things you choose to do are what makes you into a good or bad person. Think how much better we'd think of Hitler if he said 'I have these awful thoughts, but it's best I keep them to myself, really, or they could do a lot of damage.'

@TheFoundations That's a very good point. I've spent a long time beating myself up over this crush, when I guess in reality, I'm not actually doing anything wrong. In fact, I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that I don't act on anything.

I'm just laden with guilt over finding someone else attractive, and fantasising about them. Don't get me wrong, I do it with celebrities all the time, but there's something about it being a 'real' person that I see every day, that makes me view myself as being a bad person!

It's just nature, OP. It would be like feeling guilty for feeling hungry, or beating yourself up because you needed to go to sleep.

Committing to a partner is a brain decision, not a body one. So your brain has to stick to it, regardless of the fact that our bodies are a bit nuts and just choose to do stuff that seems really inappropriate, sometimes.

You're not a bad person. You know that really. Bad people don't post on forums about how guilty they feel for having done nothing wrong, for a start. In your position, a bad person would just have the affair, lie, and expect everybody to keep being nice to them. It's the opposite of what you're doing, because you're nice. You need to validate yourself. Pretty much every married person will feel attracted to other people during their marriage. Being a faithful partner is about not acting on that, rather than not feeling the feelings.

All we can do with our emotions is to shepherd them into something that fits the life we want. Accept what you feel, respect yourself for accepting your feelings, and keep them in the realm of 'feeling' rather than 'action'. And then respect yourself even more for being faithful, even when your faithfulness meets a challenge.

The drama I talked about earlier is in the 'Something completely ordinary is happening to me... I'm AWFUL!!!' You're completely normal, standard, average (in this respect; I'm sure you are fabulous and outstanding in your own ways!) Don't chuck your self respect out the window just because you find some random bloke hot. Isn't your self respect a bit stronger than that?

Nothing to feel guilty about OP. It's totally normal. I have a huge crush on someone too, but I'm very happy with DH and would never act on it, it's just fun to daydream sometimes.

It'll pass.

No, having a crush doesn't make you a bad person, I thnk it happens a lot more often and to a lot more people than we realise. We're only human, just because you're married or in a LTR t doesn't mean you'll never fancy anyone else ever again.

It's how you deal with it that matters. If you were going out of your way to spend time along with him and behaving inappropriately or letting the crush affect your marriage, THAT'S when you need to start feeling guilty. Just enjoy it for what it is, a harmless crush.

Apologies, that should have said spend time ALONE with him. Argh why is there still no edit button on here.

Well, I didn't need to instigate a conversation - I was just at the school waiting for dc to come out, minding my own business when the Dad in question came and stood next to me and started a conversation himself.
It turns out that his dc wants to do something with my dc during the half term (my dc has also been saying the same thing for the last week..), so it looks like a play date is happening after all.

What sort of play date? Perhaps his Wife/Partner will be there and you can get to know her. That might pop your crush bubble.

Now that you’ve ‘met’ him and will be having more conversations at pick-up and play dates, I would steer the chat toward neutral topics re the children, family, school, activities, etc., mentioning your H frequently and asking about his W. Perhaps H can meet him.

Don’t play with fire. No flirty banter.

Why do you need to do anything about this???

You fancy him. So what? Just sit with the feeling and wait for it to pass.

"Nothing to feel guilty about OP. It's totally normal. I have a huge crush on someone too, but I'm very happy with DH and would never act on it, it's just fun to daydream sometimes.

It'll pass. smile"

This with bells on. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. I also had a huge crush on a colleague for a few years. In time it blew itself out.

For me, this is the point of the vow to forsake all others. That vow would be completely redundant if everyone else simply ceased to be attractive once you'd settled down with your life partner. The whole point of loving and being committed to your partner is not that you never feel attracted to someone else but that you don't act on it. Not acting on the feelings is a demonstration of love and commitment.

So, yes, I think it's very normal to crush on other people. You can even enjoy it a bit (privately, I mean; not by doing things that would cross a line). Certainly, you can relax about it. It's not something to worry or feel guilty about.

@SchittsCreekWithoutAPaddle

Well, I didn't need to instigate a conversation - I was just at the school waiting for dc to come out, minding my own business when the Dad in question came and stood next to me and started a conversation himself. It turns out that his dc wants to do something with my dc during the half term (my dc has also been saying the same thing for the last week..), so it looks like a play date is happening after all.

Honestly, OP, I think part of your apprehension about this is that you know perfectly well at some level that your god is about to reveal himself to be an ordinary man and that while part of you will be relieved, part of you will be a bit sorry that your fantasy fodder is about to disappear in a cloud of smoke.